Gentlemen, have you been unlucky in love? Still single after many failed attempts at dating? Can’t figure out how to hide your shitty personality long enough to successfully interact with even one human female? Do you think that women are vapid, gold-digging bitches who get off on “putting you in the friendzone”, even when you have CLEARLY demonstrated that you are willing to be in a relationship with them? Never fear, Prince Charming! Now there’s a website just for guys like you: WhatsYourPrice.com.

**Before we proceed, a disclaimer: This steaming pit of feces is one of the most reductive, insulting concepts that I have ever seen. If you are a woman; if you are a generally decent human being (according to the opinions of others as well as yourself); if, at some point in your life, you have experienced positive feelings toward a woman that were unrelated to the pursuance of sexual congress; if you generally subscribe to the fact that women- just like men- are capable of successful brainwaves/free thought/informed decision-making: please proceed with caution. CarlysIntoThat.com is not liable for damage to person or property resulting from any of the following totally reasonable reactions:

And now we meet this week’s hero:

Um… Brandon? I don’t know, I just have this weird feeling that when your poor mother told you to “focus on growing [your] success”, she was kind of just saying #ShitThatParentsSay to make their kids feel good about themselves and work hard in school. I’m not sure exactly what she meant with the comment about being generous, but since she was YOUR MOTHER, I am guessing the underlying message was probably not “women are after you for your money, so have a lot of it and you’ll be all good brahbrah”. Moreover, I am nearly 100% sure that the success she envisioned for you was not “us[ing] that passion to create SeekingArrangement.com, the world’s largest Sugar Daddy dating website”.

“About Us”

“What’s Your Price makes dating simple and more rewarding for everyone.”

Well, that sounds great! How will you do this great thing, Brandon??

“Our own patent pending system allows men and women to use cash incentive to get a first date with anyone.”

Y’all, it is so incredibly hard to be a man in the world. It’s about time we “leveled the playing field” by using “generosity” (cash). Stop “wasting time messaging”! Why “talk about interests” and “get to know each other” when there is cash and you have cash and you can just throw some cash at a woman and tomayto, tomahto, bada bing bada boom! I think I know someone who would love this website!

I’d also like to commend the “About Us” section on this sentence, which is not remotely terrifying or rapey and doesn’t make me want to call the police at all: “Our unique system increases men’s chances with women and can turn any response to a “yes”.”

WhatsYourPrice.com: Because Any Response That’s Not A Yes, Is Wrong!

“How It Works”

Oh, good. We’ve been classified as “generous” and “beautiful” based solely on our genders. I like this, because men are never attractive, and women are never generous. #foolproof

Men: Login. Browse potential dates in one tab and r/creepshots in the other. Take sip of 46oz Mountain Dew. Masturbate furiously in your parents’ basement apartment. Enter bid. TELL WOMAN HOW MUCH YOU WILL PAY TO TAKE HER OUT (WHY DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR???)

Women: Login. Review offers reeking of sexual frustration and dirty neckbeard. Feel sad. Logout. Change into sweatpants. Purchase wine and Taco Bell value meal. Never look back. GURL, WHY ARE YOU HERE? Seriously, get the fuck out of here. You are better than this, no matter how broke you are. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200 from some fuckhead whose personality is so terrible that he cannot take a woman on a date without bribing her. Everything about this is fucking bad.

A) Bruh. What is the deal with that stamp? Like my grandma used to say- the difference between “first” and “fist” is just one letter! In this context, it is absolutely imperative to be clear.

B) “first dates are happening faster and more frequently!”

C) Remember, everyone has a price!

Brandon, I am so with you. Personally, my price is general human decency, respectfulness, a sense of humor, kindness, personal hygiene, and a beard (preferred but not required) (but you should really have a beard).

“Lol, economics, supply and demand, cost/benefit analysis, I like to throw concepts from my business degree into real-world situations and proclaim them as valid even when they aren’t really ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”

Also: do you guys know what it takes to capture the attention of a beautiful girl? Psssst. It’s cash. CASH. CaaAaaSSSHhHhhh. I WOMAN. I ONLY CARE ABOUT MOOOONEYYYYY GIVE ME CCCCASSSSHHHHHH FEED IT TO ME LIKE AN ATM OR I SHALL STARRRRRRVVVVVVEEEEEEE AND YOU WILL NEVER GET TO SEE MY BOOOOBBBSSSSS.

So, gentlemen: if you only enjoy spending time with women when the power dynamic is so financially skewed in your favor that you feel comfortable expecting sexual activity at any and all stages of the evening: sign up today at WhatsYourPrice.com! One caveat: although the entire premise of this website is “exchanging cash for the company of a female”, don’t come here expecting to find a woman to pay for sex! Because that would be illegal.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯