It’s the most wonderful time of the year, y’all!
If you work in an office, you’ve probably had the pleasure of listening to eight different Christmas Pandora stations blaring in the cube farm for almost three weeks now. Maybe my left eye will stop twitching sometime soon, but for now, I’ve had plenty of time to ponder Christmas song lyrics. For example:
What in the everloving fuck is a hop-along boot? Why are we giving guns to the children? (HA! Just kidding- this is America!) Janice and Jen, listen gurls, that doll sounds creepy as fuck. You will wake up with that doll standing over you being all, “blooooooood”.
The world needs Christmas songs that its younger generations can identify with. Songs for coming home for Christmas break and knowing that some weird guy from middle school is going to try to buy you a jagerbomb at that bar you went to every night in college with your fake ID. Thus, I bring you: Millenial Christmas Carols.
Siiiilent night / hooooly shit / everyone I graduated highschool with / is in this goddamn bar right now
You better watch out / you better not cry / someone at Christmas dinner who you love and may have previously respected is voting for Trump
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart / and the very next day / I was all, Jesus Christ, I’m never drinking champagne again / Sarah, who the fuck was that guy I cried at?? My head hurts
Your drunk uncle is dreaming of a White Christmas / just like the ones we used to have before the goddamn Muslims invaded America and The Jews started stealin’ all our goddamn money and don’t even get me started about Black-on-Black crime!
Have a holly jolly Christmas! / it’s the best time of the year / I don’t know if there’ll be snow / but looking at the projected global climate, snow may be a thing of the past. I mean, fuck, it’s 86 degrees outside…
Hark, hear the bells / Sweet silver bells / All seem to say / “Put the fucking phone down, you drunk mess, he does NOT deserve to hear from you on Christmas Eve.”
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing… a ring / I don’t mean on the phone / For God’s sake, Matthew, we’ve been dating for 5 fucking years, IT’S TIME TO SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!!!
Frosty the snowman / was a jolly happy soul / free from the soul-crushing guilt about what happened at the office Christmas party after 14 solo cups of “Jingle Juice”
I don’t want a lot for Christmas / there is just one thing I need / I don’t care about the presents / underneath the Christmas tree / so like, a Target giftcard would be fine. Really, Aunt Beth. Promise.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas / Let your heart be light / And for God’s sake, Jessica, do something about that hair. No wonder Matthew hasn’t proposed yet!
Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)/
It’s Sallie Mae, calling for the 47th time this week. Merry Christmas. Pay your fucking student loans.