Carly’s Into Bach, Finale Pt. 2: A Virgin Forever??

Hello friends, and welcome to Part 2 of Colton’s Season Finale, which begins with Chris Harrison dramatically asking… “Will Colton win Cassie back, or be a virgin forever?” Because those are definitely the only two options!

As predicted, Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel and asks her to come outside to talk. She’s wearing great boyfriend jeans and GREAT cheetah mules that I will be purchasing at my earliest paycheck. Here’s where everything gets real fucked. Read More

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Carly’s Into Bach, Finale Pt. 1: “Done-Done”

Well, folks… here we are. After 10 weeks of suffering, we have finally arrived at Night One of the LIVE Two-Night Four Hour Finale of Colton “Permavirgin” Underwood’s season. It begins with a montage of all the various women telling Colton to be careful, because some of the women in the house Are Not Ready to be engaged after 11 weeks.

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Predictably, we’re forced to revisit a bunch of footage from last week’s breakup with Cassie, as well as his relationships with the top few candidates over the season. I’d like to note that I did not believe that Colton was a virgin until I saw him interact with a woman for the first time, but after that, I believed (and still do believe) it 100%.

(Can I just say that I’m so mad at the show for doing this to me?? I have GOOD TV that I could be watching for four hours this week, instead of FOUR LIVE HOURS OF THE BACHELOR FINALE, which apparently is the new status quo for the franchise and will happen every goddamn season.)

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Anyway, back to the disaster at hand. The only hint that Colton was (is?? who knows) some type of athlete, is how quickly he was GONE after he hopped that fence. By the time Chris figured out the gate remote, ya boy was OUTTA THERE. The crew and Chris drive around aimlessly and finally find him walking in the street. He completely ignores everyone with a thousand-yard stare.

Colton: “I’m done.”
Chris: “Do you wanna be done with the whole thing?”
Colton (an adult man): “Yeah. Done-done.”

Colton cries some more and says that, for his whole life, he’s had to deal with “not being enough”, which is admittedly a very sad way to feel. Chris Harrison asks helpfully: “Which part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?” Um—may I hazard a guess at THE WHOLE THING?

The next morning, Chris and Colton are discussing what happened with Cassie. Colton thinks she is “scared”; Chris asks: “What if the bottom line is she’s just not that in to you?”

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… to which Colton responds: “I think I have a pretty good gut instinct about that. And… she loves me.”

………. Do you really? Good god. This is depressing.

Cut to Colton, in a van on the way to somewhere, telling us that he wants to be with Cassie and knows what he needs to do, which sounds… ominous. Of course, he pops out the van at poor Tayshia’s Airbnb, where she welcomes him with a glowing smile. 😦

COLTON DOES THE DUMPING, PART 1:
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It quickly becomes clear that this conversation is not what Tayshia was expecting. She looks… not happy, but not devastated, but then asks if they can talk inside without all the cameras, and Colton agrees. Last night a friend pointed out to me that THIS WAS FOR COLTON’S BENEFIT, BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO START CRYING AGAIN, AND SHE WANTED TO HELP HIM SAVE FACE!! Women literally never stop doing emotional work for men EVEN WHILE THEY’RE LITERALLY BREAKING UP WITH US!!!! It’s time to throw men in the garbage.

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Back in real time, Tayshia is brought out on the live show. She is stunning, as always, and her conversation with Colton is polite and standard. BABY GIRL, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS POTATO MAN AND I HOPE YOU’VE ALREADY FOUND IT!!

COLTON DOES THE DUMPING, PART 2: THE TRAGEDY OF HANNAH G.
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When Colton shows up at Hannah G.’s Airbnb, she is journaling. She tells the camera: “iiiiiii love Colton! iiii love him!!!” with some bashful hand motions for good measure.

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Unlike Tayshia, Hannah G. is completely blindsided by the talk that she gets here. Having been a CLEAR frontrunner since literally the first night, she thought it was going to be her. Well! Guess what! Colton tells her, that he ALSO thought it was going to be her, and that he “doesn’t have an answer” for why it no longer is. Sir—what the fuck is your damage??

Colton also tells her: “You still remind me of home.”
So… you love home less than everywhere else? You dislike home? You would pick a teenager who doesn’t even like you and was only here for Instagram followers, over HOME???

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There’s a lot of crying; Colton says “I’m doing my best” [Ed note: He is not!]; HG definitely thought it was going to be her—and who could blame her???—and she is both sad and pissed off.

Outside, still crying, Colton says: “I don’t know if I’m giving up a sure thing for something that is impossible.” That’s a good way to pick someone to spend the entire rest of your life with: by who is a “sure thing”!

Back at the Four Hour Live Season Finale (Part 1), Hannah G. comes out on stage looking extremely beautiful (surprise!) They go through the normal stuff, how are you, how did you feel watching that, etc. etc. etc.

Chris: “Are you still in love with Colton?”
HG: “No, love has to be a two way street.”

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*pointed stare at Colton*

Chris again brings out our Large Son, who has unfortunately adopted the signature haircut of men’s rights activists everywhere:

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HG gets a few minutes to take him to task for, essentially, leading her on for THE ENTIRE SEASON, and then yanking the proverbial carrot away at the last minute. She still seems pretty pissed off, and again, who could blame her at all. I wish the best for America’s enchanted Skipper doll, and hope she is happily with someone who isn’t a dipshit.

CASSIE: YOU’RE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING AMERICA’S NEXT TOP VIRGINITY-TAKER
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Back at her own Airbnb, Cassie—who is frantically throwing her shit into suitcases as though she knows Colton is about to show up and try to convince her to Marriage Him— tells the camera: “ I can’t wait to be home with my friends and put this all behind me!!!”

Colton: “I just want to be with Cassie. I want to be loved back the way I love someone.”

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN, IF YOU PICKED SOMEONE WHO GAVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU! So… LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE? Deep sigh. I can’t help men anymore, I honestly can’t.

Colton gets back in the van to go—I WONDER WHERE? Just kidding, he’s obviously going to Cassie’s Airbnb to try and convince her to love him, which always works well and has never ended in a hostage situation!

Did all that “NFL training” make him quick enough to catch her before she escaped?? Find out… TONIGHT ON THE BACHELOR!

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 9 / Fantasy Suites/ FENCE NIIIIIIGHT!

HELLO, FRIENDS, AND WELCOME TO THE EPISODE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

IT’S   M O T H E R F U C K I N   F E N C E   N I G H T!

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be a particularly nauseating evening, especially if Colton continues predicting that losing his virginity will be “caring and passionate” and possibly “tender”. Cassie is still wearing her fucking beach outfit as Colton tells the women that this season’s Fuck Rooms will be located in… Portugal! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 8/Hometowns: “He Seems Like A Guy”

Good morning, Bachelor Nation, and welcome to pulls out bullhorn HOOOOOOOMETOOOOOOOOWNS, aka The “WILL THE DADS APPROVE OF COLTON????” Episode. As with at least three other episodes this season, we start off watching Colton in the shower. Do we usually see the bachelor shower this much?!? I feel like we NEVER saw Ben in the shower. Did he not shower, or was he just allowed to shower in peace instead of doing this bobo Playgirl schtick because he’s a software salesman and not a “pro” athlete? Smells like LOOKS-BASED DISCRIMINATION to me!!

Anyway, let’s settle in and get ready to watch one man tell four women’s families, in a span of about two weeks, that their daughter is special, and he is falling in love with her, and he can see a future with her! Now imagine everyone watching this as the episodes come out, many months later!

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 7: I Colora-do

Goooooood morning, friends, and welcome to our last episode before hometowns! This week’s episode begins with Colton’s vlog again, which I couldn’t possibly hate any more than I already do. He’s feeling frustrated after all three women last week left him with mysterious messages regarding “people in the house who aren’t ready.” He clearly thought it was Demi (and it was) but when Demi ALSO gave the same warning, he seemed very confused. And who better to counsel him than Ben Higgins, who INARGUABLY picked the wrong girl and has already broken his engagement! Just kidding, Ben, I love you, please DM me.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Vietnamaste, Bitches!

Good morning, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended on a pointless and annoying dramatic cliffhanger, with Colton politely excusing himself from Onyeka/Nicole and going for a walk down the beach. The girls continue chattering nervously about how upset he looks, but to me he just looks like a white dude, walking in the ocean wearing a full suit, including shoes. Annnnd now it’s time for our rose ceremony! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: Thai’d Up In Knots

Good morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathizers, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where this week’s post title is not only a pun about Thailand, but a joke about boats! Because both of the dates take place on boats! Get it??? Thank you.

By way of apology, I will tell you right here at the beginning: there is no rose ceremony tonight! What a fuckin’ drag! However, with the departures of Tracey and Courtney, the girls seem to be getting along much better in the house, which is refreshing. The episode begins without much fanfare as Heather is awarded the one-on-one date card, which reads “Heather— let’s experience something new.” Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 4: Gettin’ Steamy in Singapore

Helloooooooooo and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where we deeply apologize for this week’s post title!

It’s Week 4, and the gang is traveling to Singapore. From the episode teaser, it immediately becomes clear that Demi gon Demi REAL hard this week—but she’s not the only one throwing shade: During the announcement of the Singapore trip, Chris Harrison calls Hannah B “Caelynn”. Brutal! I’m here for it.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 3: Bachelorettes of the Caribbean

Goooooood morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathetic bystanders! Last night’s episode had everything: community theater pirates, surprise children, a “wardrobe stylist” wearing pinstriped fucking overalls, a beauty queen hissing like a velociraptor, and even some light BDSM! Without further ado…

GROUP DATE
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Our first group date includes Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. The perma-feud between Yung Demi and Tracy burns quietly in the background, but the producers are really hyping the beauty queen beef (BQB) this week.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 2: “Does she even have parents?”

Hello, fellow masochists and welcome to Week 2, where we are treated to our first one-on-one date, two group dates, and even more crying than Week 1! I have to warn you: this episode was so bad that it gave my dog diarrhea, every two hours, for the whole night! I look and feel like the undead, so let’s jump right in and get this over with!

FIRST GROUP DATE
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Demi, Catherine, Hannah G., Elyse, Onyeka, Tracy, Bri, and Nicole are selected for the first group date. They head to a theater where they’re greeted by Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally (please adopt me) and informed that today’s date involves… writing and telling stories of their “firsts” to a live studio audience of 200 people. Personally, I would rather die, but these girls are already in heavy competition for the coveted post-Bachelor Fit Tea Instagram sponsorship, so what’s a little public embarrassment??
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