Carly’s Into Bach: 3-HOUR LIVE FINALE!

Hello, and welcome to my own personal hell of my own making a LIVE, THREE-HOUR-LONG episode of The Bachelorette. The only sign that any mercy remains in this world is that after this live, three-hour-long episode of The Bachelorette, this beige-ass snorefest will f i n a l l y be over. To the NSA: if you’re reading this and you ever need to torture me– please– please choose any method other than a live, three-hour-long episode of The Bachelorette.

Okay! Here we go! We’re in the Maldives!!

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Carly’s Into Bach: Fantasy Suites!!!

Hello and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, after an accidental hiatus because I got so bored with this season that I fell into a Boredom Coma, had to be hospitalized, and was only recently discharged. Here’s what you missed last week on Hometowns:

Most importantly, we said goodbye to Colton, as it would be in bad taste for him to propose to Becca while continuing his Obvious Reality TV Love Story with Tia on BIP in just a few weeks! This week: Fantasy Suites, featuring 4 of the least sexual beings on our entire earthly plane.

For this week’s Adventures In Fuqq, our brave contestants are in Chiang Mai, Thailand. This is the first interesting destination of the season, and we’re just here to get some dick! I’m disappointed. In her intro, Becca (wearing a blue and orange sarong paired with all-pink makeup that clashes badly with her clothes and also, miraculously, with itself) says she is “in love with two men and falling in love with a third.” Same, girl! I’m IN love with Leo and Wills, and FALLING in love with my boyfriend of 3.5 years.

FIRST DATE: BLAKE
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Becca and Blake go hiking up to a sacred temple, where they meet with a monk who (allegedly) shares with them the secrets of a successful relationship. Since he’s speaking through a translator, I much prefer to believe that he’s saying things like “Give up now! This woman doesn’t love you! She bout to fuck and run! Sorry, my dude!!! Nice shirt tho.”

Post-monk, they sit in the jungle and talk about their “core values” some more. I am barely awake. At dinner, Blake is clearly looking for some validation as far as the status of Becca’s relationships with the other two guys. She stares at him with a nice dead-eyed smile and gives him nothing. Power move, Becs! Blake is very nice, and is definitely not winning, but will make for a nice, handsome sacrificial lamb at the proposal altar. Finally, Blake reads The Letter from Chris Harrison, which includes a key that allegedly opens the door to the Fantasy Suite where they may, if they choose, Stay As A Couple aka FUUUUUUUUQQ. However, the key is very clearly made out of plastic, perhaps stolen from a child’s first diary at Walmart. That thing ain’t opening ANY AirBNB doors, my dude! Unsurprisingly, they decide to fuqq, and the camera pans out as Blake slowly closes a barely-frosted bedroom door. Happy sex, y’all!

In the morning, Becca rather pointedly tells Blake he’s too “in his head” this morning, a phrase she keeps using that truly means nothing. Where does one live if not “in their head”? Not everyone can dissociate on command, although sometimes I wish I could!  After she leaves Blake in the Fuqq Room, he says “There’s no way she has this with anyone else!”

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SECOND DATE: JASON
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Becca is wearing a top and skirt set from a cheap fashion “brand” that exclusively advertises through Instagram. She looks like a pair of dice. Curiously, after we see her in this ensemble maybe twice, the next time she’s filmed, her previously-exposed midriff and entire bottom half are wrapped in a long scarf-type thing. Either she’d just bought it and was feeling festive, or her skirt was too short/otherwise disrespectful for the area in which they were filming. As someone who has felt disrespected by literally every outfit Becca has worn this season, I’m hoping it was the latter.

Anyway, Becca and Jason wander around a market type thing, until Becca makes one joke about their future house together and has a bizarro panic reaction. Always a great sign! Becca excuses herself from Jason, goes to camera, and says “I don’t knowwwwwwwww, I just feel weeeeeeeeirddddddddd” 1,100 fucking times, with no further explanation of how or why.

At dinner she finally is able to verbalize that she felt so “weeeeeeeirrrrrrrdddddddd” earlier because, surprising only Jason in the entire universe, she is not that into him compared to the other two dudes. Just like during their day date, she spontaneously gets up and wanders around complaining for 5 minutes, leaving him to sit alone instead of just ripping off the fucking Band-aid. When she returns, she unceremoniously dumps him with a lame speech about how she “doesn’t see them together” or something else equally vague. Jason is actually a catch, compared to 99% of people who come on this godforsaken show, so it should be extremely easy for him to meet a woman who doesn’t have the personality of a damp Kleenex. DM me, I’ll give you my cousin’s number!!

THIRD DATE: GARRETT
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Finally, our frontrunner makes his appearance. Their chemistry is still so intense that, the moment he shows up on screen, I fall asleep for 10-15 minutes, my head hanging sideways onto my shoulder and giving me a commemorative neck-ache that I know I’ll have for days. I have no idea what happened on this date, but I’m sure it was thrilling. When I wake up, they’re making out on a picnic blanket and deciding (shocker!) to go Fuqq in the Fuqq Suite. Disturbingly, this week’s fantasy suite is an actual treehouse, and is decorated like a child’s bedroom. Happy sex, y’all, I guess!

PRODUCER DRAMA
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The producers have roped poor Jason, convincingly cosplaying as Danny Zuko from Grease, into showing back up at Becca’s hotel because “he didn’t like where [they] closed the door.”

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He hands her a scrapbook of their time together, which would be an extremely serial killer move except for the 0% chance that Jason made this himself, or even had the idea in the first place. What is she supposed to do with this when she’s “engaged” to someone else? Put it on the bottom shelf of a bookcase and begrudgingly pack it up through three different moves, feeling increasingly haunted by its presence before finally throwing it away in the middle of the night? I feel sorry for the poor intern who spent 12 hours putting that thing together. You should have gotten to keep it as part of your resume.

ROSE CEREMONY
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Obviously, both Garrett and Blake get roses, and (for the 6,541st time) Becca dutifully recites her favorite relationship anecdote, which is that she is looking for an equal partner and someone to “go 50/50” with her. Is that a sex thing? Just kidding! It’s definitely not, like, consider the source.

Tune in next week for the Men Tell All, which I may or may not cover depending on how much it features my future co-fiancées Leo and Wills. Also, can we all agree to stop paying attention to Jordan when he wears his “desperate cry for help outfit” of just gold lamé underpants? It’s getting sad.

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 7

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach and, for the first time, to the Bahamas, where—if this week’s preview is true—we may finally find an answer to the eternal question: “Who let the dogs out?”

Becca’s beginning-of-episode montages have been painfully awkward from the get-go, and this week is no different. Chris Harrison clearly needs her to Show More Feelings, so he plops her down on a couch and asks her about her progress with the men so far. Becca, dead eyes caked in surprisingly-crusty mascara (I SEE U, STYLIST), replies: “It is working so much more than I ever expected at this point.” She is wearing a black crop top and what looks to be a pair of dress slacks badly converted to a skirt? Beige… with black pinstripes, but……. like a beach coverup.

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 6!

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach and, for the first time, to Richmond VA: a lovely place to film a show, although there are many other places too!

We open with a montage of Becca drifting around her Richmond digs. Clearly, the producers were looking for a More Serious Becca this week, as she is gasp NOT WEARING ANY SEQUINS! I almost miss the comfort of the sequins when she removes her hot pink trench coat to reveal the most tragic black-and-white floral top I’ve ever seen. Every week, the stylist’s rage burns hotter.

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 5

Welcome back to yet another week in hell paradise! As some of you may have noticed, there was no Week 4 recap, as I had a 24-hour bug and then a 4-day vacation immediately after last week’s episode. sorry.gif

The only really important event last week was the SPECTACULAR flame-out of Jean Blanc, which I feel obligated to address. The colognesseur (not even gonna try on the spelling) gave Becca a personalized perfume with both of their names on it and told her he was falling in love with her. As Jean Blanc was mid-pack at best in his relationship with Becca, him being the first one to say it clearly threw her off. When she expresses this, he launches the biggest backpedal in history, which basically ends in him saying that he only said it because he thought it’s what she wanted to hear, and also, he gave her a present, didn’t she like it???

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Needless to say, Becca was pissed, and he was dispatched with a quickness. Bummer! I truly didn’t see that coming! Now, onto Week 5, in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 3

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! Let’s, in Becca’s favorite words that already make me want to eat a chunk of drywall, “do the damn thing.”

The cameras pan in on a nice morning in the Dude Mansion. David is making what appear to be BOMB-ass omelettes for everyone, and Jordan is snarking that making breakfast is boring. Wrong call, my dude. EVERYONE likes the guy who makes breakfast! Fuck, even Garrett, Parkland Truther could win me over with a nice plate of waffles!! (Just kidding. I’m not a demon.) Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 2

Welcome back to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, where we recap the latest Bachelorette episode which we probably watched through our fingers while cringing. Let’s jump right into Week 2!

The episode begins with a montage of many white dudes whom I could not tell apart if my life depended on it, interspersed with footage of Becca riding a bike near the beach. Ocean metaphors abound: something like “I just have to go with the flow”, “ride the wave”, etc. So creative, y’all! The preview for the evening features Haunted Ken Doll Jordan looking even more aggressively tanned and Botoxed than Week 1, and Simple Garrett— bigot, Parkland truther, and probable season winner— looking wide-eyed and Just Happy To Be Here. Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 1

Hello and welcome to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, in which we recap America’s Guiltiest Pleasure (besides racism)! Let’s dive right in and, as Becca will say at least 400 more times in the next 2 hours, “do the damn thing.”

The premiere begins by replaying the Becca/Arie Airbnb Ambush, which is just as horrible as the first time and makes me want to barf. Chris Harrison should be ASHAMED for orchestrating this trainwreck. (Ed. note: Obviously I know that Chris Harrison is physically unable to feel anything remotely resembling shame.)

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Present-day Becca says, “Everything I envisioned for the future was changed.” We’ve all been there, gurl! Life’s a bitch and then you find a new man who hopefully sucks less, as they say!

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My Whole30 Diary

At the end of 2017, like many of us, my body was not my own. After a whole month of Friendsgivings, work Thanksgiving, regular Thanksgiving, holiday happy hours, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, and New Years Day, I was trapped inside a meat prison of my own making. You know the old anecdote about a parent who catches their teen with a cigarette, and makes them smoke a whole pack of cigarettes to learn their lesson? That was me, except I was both parent and teen, and the cigarettes were imported cheeses.

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Finally, after 27.5 years on the planet, I had finally eaten enough cheese and carbs, and drank enough champagne, that I was ready to commit to at least 45 years of just lettuce and tap water. But since the “president” is going to blow the whole planet to smithereens WAY before then, I decided on a more realistic short-term goal: one month of semi-paleo “clean eating,” via the Whole30 program. “Gotta make a change! This is rock bottom!,” I said to myself, as Karma rubbed its hands together gleefully. Read More

Holiday Cocktails For 2017

Last year, almost to the day, I predicted that Christmas 2016 would be our last, because the “president”-elect would have blown up the entire earth by Christmas 2017. Well, folks, there’s a first time for everything, including my being wrong! (Don’t get excited– it will probably never happen again.) But since the void has not yet embraced us all in its eternal grasp, another holiday season is upon us. Grab a glass (or mug, or bowl, or funnel…) and get thee to the liquor cabinet! It’s been a busy year, and we’ve all earned a drink.  Read More