You’re So Van

Last week, I was in a minor car accident because Florida drivers, including myself, are sent straight from whatever circle of hell involves flaming bees in your anus. Thankfully everyone involved is totally fine, but my poor Hyundai will be in the shop for almost 3 weeks. So this week, I rented a car to transport myself to and from work.

And by “car”, I obviously mean “2017 Dodge Caravan”, because what else would happen to me at this point? I made my reservation online, for the “smallest and cheapest car” and showed up to retrieve it. Read More

Advertisements

The RompHim™

This morning I saw a peculiar Kickstarter project making its rounds online: The RompHim™ (unofficial slogan: Because Anything Women Have, Men Should Also Have Or Else That’s Not Fair.)

Per their website: “Is it a romper designed for men? Sure. But it’s also pretty damn comfortable, and it may just be the start of a fashion revolution.”

no

Read More

The Unicorn Frappuccino

Something awful is happening, and for once, I’m not talking about fashion trends or Republicans.

Starbucks has released a brand new “limited time” amalgamation of sprinkle-infested cream, corn syrup, and shame. They are calling it… the Unicorn Frappuccino® Blended Crème.

drink pic
My body is no temple– I once drank so much turquoise offbrand Four Loko that I peed blue for two days– but SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT THAT THING. Am I the odd man out here? Are other people excited by the idea of drinking 16 oz of frozen, teal-and-fuschia-dyed heavy cream?

Read More

Daylight Saving Time

In these difficult times, where people you love and respect may have helped put a rotting lump of fascist orange Play-Doh in the White House, there are only a few things we can all still agree on:

1. It’s time to stop talking about man buns.
2. Okra is the worst vegetable.
3. Whoever invented Daylight Saving Time is a fucking demon.

Read More

Right Wing Nutjob Bingo

Happy Thursday! If you’re just waking up, you should know that in the middle of the night, our elected douchebags made the truly appalling choice to repeal the ACA and CHIP, leaving 30 million Americans (including children, which– hey, pro-lifers!– are just fetuses that got borned!) without health insurance.

On a shit day like this one, you might find yourself getting So Mad Online that you decide to interact with strangers on social media, like Twitter or the trending topics section of Facebook.

This is a Very Bad Idea! Do not do this!

Okay, so you did it, and it’s not fun, and actually it’s even more terrible than you imagined. But you’re in it to win it now, and your notifications are a goddamn disaster. Why not play a game of Bingo with those replies while you wait it out?

rwnjb.JPG

If you don’t win within five minutes, that’s your cue to go take a walk! Get some fresh air; remind yourself that you are loved and we will all find a way to survive this together.

HA! Just kidding. Reply to a Tormy Looren tweet, and feel your soul sink even deeper into its pit of depair.

Xoxo,

Gossip Carl

Holiday Cocktails for the Endtimes

This December, I’ve been experiencing some pretty serious holiday-related cognitive dissonance. Right now is “the most wonderful time of the year”, but also probably “the last Christmas ever before Dictator Dump blows up the entire planet over a Twitter fight.” 2016 was a goddamn hellscape, and there’s no promise that 2017 will be any better—in fact, it will likely be SO much worse!

So how can we be merry and bright this holiday season, considering all the horrors we’ll likely face in 2017? The answer, my friends, is alcohol. This Christmas, surprise your family by tossing that worn paper bag full of Evan Williams and whipping up a festive cocktail! Here are a few recipes to consider.

Read More

Fine.

Do y’all remember how the right responded BOTH times that Obama was elected? With hatred. With anger. With battlecries of “he’s not MY president!!!”. Many of them were probably told “Oh hush, you’ll be fine.” And you know what? For 8 years, they WERE fine. They ARE fine. Angry conservative white men have never been more fine.

As a white woman, I will also be mostly “fine” during the next four years (unless Trump starts a nuclear war, or I’m drafted into the Official Mike Pence White Baby Factory and forced to give birth to children I don’t want because #Jesus.)

Unlike after Obama’s win, many people who are terrified today WILL NOT BE FINE. Racial and religious minorities. The LGBT community. Immigrants. Women, especially women who belong to the aforementioned groups. Last night, America told people in these groups (as our next Commander in Chief has said many times on the record) to go fuck themselves. Their (our) rights don’t matter anymore, and if this doesn’t horrify you, I can’t help you.

I’ve seen some posts on social media this morning saying “Hug a Trump voter today! They know not what they’ve done to themselves!” and to the people posting that, I genuinely ask: are you out of your fucking minds? Do not ask me to hug a person who is too goddamn stupid to realize that their selfishness has fucked over the entire country, including *gasp!* themselves. The horror!

I’ve also seen many posts in the past few months to the effect of “I won’t defriend anyone over politics! You’re entitled to your opinions!” While it’s nice that some people feel that way, I totally disagree. This is not “politics”- it is basic human decency. If you voted for Trump, you voted against the safety of people that I love, against my (and every woman’s) right to bodily autonomy, against a free fucking press in America. So please: if you voted for Trump and I missed you in my thorough Facebook deforestation, sashay the fuck over to the ol’ Book, locate the Unfriend button, and smash it hard. Be sure to unfriend me in real life as well. I plan on surviving, and doing my best to help others survive, the disastrous mess that we’re in for because of you. I’d rather do it without you.

 

“Can You Take Off Your Headphones?”: A Guide To Completely Ignoring Social Cues

According to a recently published article by The Modern Man dot com, the right time for a man to strike up a conversation in public with a woman he doesn’t know, but would like to perform sex on, is always. She’s weeping quietly into a tissue? Only you, random dude in the subway, have the power to cheer her up! She’s choking on a piece of her trail mix? SPEAK UP, LADY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THAT GURGLING!  She’s holding hands with her husband? Punch that beta male in the face and move in.

like me

The article zeroes in on one such situation: a woman you’d like to invite for a ride on The Bone Train has ventured outside her home wearing headphones, instead of a sign that says “Yes, Brad, I’d Love To Do Anal In Your Bed That Has A Duvet Cover But No Sheets!”

I know- super inconvenient, and a total rookie mistake on her part. Luckily, the author has a foolproof plan to help you navigate right around this totally-unintentional barrier that women are definitely not putting up on purpose! Let’s take a look.

Read More

Anatomy of a Facebook Hiatus

Y’all, the upcoming election is really fucking up my life. Everyone is angry about something, most of us are scared about lots more things, and there is currently a 42% chance that America’s next president will be the reanimated corpse of a white supremacist’s jack-o-lantern. For the past few months, I’ve felt helpless, overwhelmed, and close to a rage-coma every time I log onto Facebook. So last week, I temporarily deactivated my account.

I know. I am so #brave.

rih

Read More

“Plus-Sized Girls Are Eager To Please”: Dismantling A Steaming Turd

Earlier this week, my friend Adam Avitable hateshared an article on Facebook called “15 Thoughts Every Guy Has When Dating A Bigger Woman”, published on a platform called TheRichest (really? no y’all not.)

As you can imagine, people of all genders and sizes saw the title, clicked the bait, and got heated (myself included.) If I make it to 100 years old, the secret to longevity that I’ll share with the world in my Times article will surely be, “I made it a point to get mad about something on the internet every single day.”

In the midst of my #FeministRage, I knew this toilet-clogging wordlog needed to be expertly torn apart, and who better to do it than I, a not-size-0 person who has been striving toward unattainable weight loss goals for almost 10 years? #TheHeroGothamNeeds

The piece is now mysteriously gone from TheRichest’s absolutely-not-rich-at-all website, presumably because the lone female employee got a look at it, murdered the author (a man named Jim Hogue, with whom no one should ever engage in sexual intercourse), and threatened a sexual harassment lawsuit if it wasn’t immediately scrubbed from existence. But thanks to the magic of Google Cache, I can still drown in a maelstrom of hate over something that technically no longer exists. Thanks, The Internet!

Without further ado, here are some screencaps from The Worst Thing I’ve Seen This Month, Which Is Saying Something Considering The Month Ends Tomorrow: “15 Thoughts Every Guy Has When Dating A Bigger Woman” by Jim Hogue, who apparently cannot count higher than the number 15 (probably because that is his secret age)(and with whom no one should ever engage in sexual intercourse)(especially if he is, as I suspect, a minor).
15
Let me begin by saying: Jim, are you sure we can’t convince you to write poetry?

title
Picture it scribbled on a napkin in your freshman dining hall and left on a table for two:

Lots of times you see a guy/
he could be normal sized or he/
could be overweight himself

*sheds single tear*

Anyway, let’s get to the underlying issue, which is this: when Jim sees a man walking happily with a woman whose thighs have a greater circumference than his dick, he feels sorry for the dude. Is it really because fatties are gross, or because of the crushing loneliness in which his shitass worldview has prompted him to exist? WHY WILL NO ONE HOLD JIM’S HAND?

2

Ashley Graham, JESUS, could you PLEASE stop blowing up Jim Hogue’s phone. How many times does he have to tell you? Unlike these other desperate CHUBBY CHASERS, Jim is just not willing to prioritize “happiness over appearance”, and he will not take your call even when he is done sending pleading, comma-less emails to Kate Moss. #ThirstyForJim

ashley

“14. My Girl Can Cook”maybe

This article is 2,502 words long. It could have been… *counts words in above sentence*… 17.

“12. It Is Good For His Confidence”

4

Some guys. HAHA, NOT ME THO! Definitely not me! I get so much… *discreetly looks at word written on palm* …vageema! HA! Bitches, amirite????? *chokes back sob*”

jess.gif

“10. They Are Easy To Talk To”

5a

Last month, I was roadtripping home from a wedding and stopped in a mid-Florida McDonald’s for some hangover nuggets. While I was waiting for my order, an older gentleman sat down at my booth with me, complimented my hair/nail polish/toenail polish, and launched into a 5-minute story about his recent career change/health problems/grandchild (whom he loves very much). IT’S BECAUSE I SKIPPED THE GYM LAST WEEK, ISN’T IT?

no no no.gif

“8. The Cuddling Is The Best”

6

a) Fact:”Overweight women should hire themselves out as professional cuddlers” is the sentence most likely to be found in the secret diary of a serial killer!
b) It’s likely that Jim Hogue tries to sit next to bigger women on the subway so he can take a gentle nap on their breasts. They “are always willing!” The police report and brief probationary period were just one big misunderstanding!
c) …is your brother ok 😦 why so much snuggling 😦 can somebody check on him 😦

lotion

It’s not til 11 long-winded, brutally oblivious entries later that we get a look at what the fuck is actually Jim’s problem.

“6. There Is Less Pressure On How You Look”

7

Jim-ese to Basic English translation: “Bro, you remember when I was dating that bitch Jessica who always complained about the dumbest shit? Like, ‘Take a shower, Jim, it’s been 3 weeks’ and ‘You’ve been wearing those sweatpants since Christmas morning and they’re falling apart’ and ‘Maybe we could have dinner together sometime this month instead of you going to Burger King and eating by yourself at 10pm?’? Man, I don’t know what her problem was. Must’ve been that she was a size 2. Never stick your dick in crazy, amirite???”

Basic English to Intuitive English Translation: “I am so alone. Do you wanna snuggle, man? My 12-year-old brother is at school.”

snug

Jim, if I’m reading you correctly, several women of varying sizes have probably told you to fuck right off in your lifetime, and while you probably deserved it, I’m sorry if it made you sad. Regardless, there’s no need take your hurt feefees and turn them into a 15-item thinkpiece, generalizing one of your shittiest opinions to every living, bepenised human being.

I realize this is hypocritical coming from a person who just wrote an angry 1,000 word response to a shitty 2,500 word thinkpiece, when instead, this post could have consisted of a single screencap:

jeff

Am I a size 6? No.

Would I lie and say I’ve never eaten an entire pizza by myself? Nah.

Do I, or any other women, care what the fuck Jim Hogue thinks?

no

bitch bye.gif