Carly’s Into Bach: Fantasy Suites / IT’S WINDMILL TIME!!!!!

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where It’s! About! To Go! Down! And by it, I mean hopefully all of Hannah’s suitors except Luke! Heyooooooo!

We’re in Crete, Greece— an absolutely stunning setting for the explosion of fragile masculinity that’s about to take place! Are y’all ready?! You might not be ready.

Read More



*Flo Rida’s “Welcome To My House” plays aggressively in the background*

It’s time for hometowns, y’all! We’ve come so far. Are you ready to meet some very sweet dads and vaguely concerned moms?! Without further ado… Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Naked Bungee Jumping and Double Standards

Welcome back to Week 6 of Carly’s Into Bach, which is really Week 7 because Week 5 had two separate parts, so we’re only on the 6th rose ceremony, and this whole thing is really becoming far too complicated for a weekly blog feature!!

Hannah and the men are in Riga, Latvia, which Hannah—god bless her— must be contractually obligated to mention every 30 seconds. “Here we are in LAWT-VEE-UH!” Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: The Luke Ness Monster


Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where our true joy is watching grown men squabble like toddlers in a sandbox! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended with no rose ceremony, so we’re picking up right where we left off: at the extremely uncomfortable cocktail party.

Hannah pulls the Lukes aside and tells them to talk to each other. She sits between them for ~3 minutes, watching them bicker and making this face:

hannah face

…Then gets up and walks away, as she should, because this is soooooooo tired. Read More

Mama’s New Vacuum

Friends: are you in the market for a new vacuum? Did you get your current vacuum from your mom, used, in the Year of Our Lord 2011, because she was replacing it with “a good one”? Do you have a dog, a foster dog, and possibly a cat shedding all over literally everything you own, at every waking moment? Let me tell you about the Hoover Wind Tunnel 2 Whole House Rewind Upright Vacuum.

*slaps roof of Hoover Wind Tunnel 2 Whole House Rewind Upright Vacuum* This baby can hold a truly shocking amount of fur, dust, and leaves that Crouton shredded and left on the floor just to spite me.

WARNING: you may feel physically ill as you’re emptying the canister of the Hoover Wind Tunnel 2 Whole House Rewind Upright Vacuum for the third time in one cleaning sesh, despite the fact that you vacuumed with Ol’ Bissell just one week ago!

This vacuum has everything: attachments; a brush roll that turns on for carpet and off for hard surfaces; a retractable cord; a pleasing blue-colored handle; a speaker that plays lullabies to soothe your pets while you torture them with the Big Loud Scare Machine; MTV’s Dan Cortez…

Many friends recommended that I purchase a Shark or a Dyson, and while I’m sure those are also great, they are NOT currently on sale for $100 at Target. As many of you know, I work at a university #BallinOnABudget.

So if you’re like me, and are looking for a new vacuum that IS currently on sale for $100 at Target, I highly recommend that you check out the Hoover Wind Tunnel 2 Whole House Rewind Upright Vacuum. #SponsoredPost #JK #ImJustExcited #HooverGetAtMeTho #IHaveVenmo



Me and my new best friend! Photobomb by Lucy, our foster dog/temporary fur machine.



Carly’s Into Bach, Week 3: Always Be Calling A Lyft

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where we broke the sacred amulet and are being eternally punished love everything about the Bachelor franchise!


If you love watching men physically hurt as much as I do, you probably enjoyed last night’s episode! Mike, Jed, Always Be Cam, JPJ, Matteo, Jonathan, Kevin, and Tyler C. roll up to a faux-hospital room, where Jason Biggs is assisting his wife in giving pretend-birth. Bet you never thought you’d read THAT sentence! Anyway, the point of today is that being a woman is hard and complicated. Ya think? To prove that point, the men sit at desks and are asked various questions about the female body.

Y’all, this was a mess. Tyler C. says: “I don’t know much about pregnancy, except that the belly gets bigger and bigger, and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier.” Is he 12?? I CANNOT. Unsurprisingly, Jed is literally the only man out of the group who knows How Babby Is Formed. Some example questions and answers from this portion:

Q: What body part does a woman grow during pregnancy?
A: Uterus; ovary; placenta (correct answer, only Jed got it)

Q: What is a woman’s gestational period?
A: Most of the men correctly answered 9 months, except for Cam, who said TWO WEEKS! Clearly he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “gestational”, but also, what was he thinking of? Gettin’ ya period?? Which also doesn’t happen every two weeks??? Bless! This! Mess! Mike smugly tells the camera: “I’m not surprised that Cam is having trouble with questions about the female anatomy.”


Now it’s time for the labor simulator, which is hilarious. Jed is adorable, incorporating some Lamaze breathing; Tyler poses, grabbing Hannah around the waist with one arm and flexing the bicep of the other; JPJ wriggles and shrieks with his eyes so wide that it looks like they might pop right out. Pretty upsetting!


Hannah is definitely into Jed (lawful good), which is hilarious because she’s also into Luke P. (chaotic evil) who, IMO, is absolutely going to win. Anyway, she has a really good conversation and a nice rooftop makeout with Jed. Meanwhile downstairs, Cam is telling the other men that ACTUALLY, he has had the LEAST time with Hannah and deserves MORE time (despite crashing a date to which he was not invited and stealing time from men who were specifically there because Hannah wanted them to be there.) Always Be Cam-plaining, amirite??


Mike and Hannah talk about how the date today brought up some feelings for Mike, whose ex had a miscarriage. Hannah can relate, because she also had one before, and it’s a very sweet/sad/vulnerable moment for the two of them… So of course, Cam barges right in, literally in the middle of the two of them TALKING ABOUT PREGNANCY LOSS, and informs Mike that he has to tell Hannah something that’s Very Important. Mike, who just took a DNA test and is 100% Not The One To Fuck With, tells him “I’ll let you know when I’m done, please step outside.” As you can imagine, it’s extremely hard to have any conversation—much less a serious conversation— with some fucking asshole slamming the door back open and standing there looking like he just CANNOT wait to explain how bitcoin works. During his third interruption in as many minutes, Cam says: “Sorry man, I just HAVE to cut in right now, it’s really important”. Naturally, Mike does what only a true petty king could, and gives Hannah a big, sexy kiss while Cam stands in the doorway, color draining from his face.


What could Cam’s Very Important Announcement be? Is he currently bleeding to death and Hannah has the only cell phone on premises with which to call him an ambulance? Does he have three weeks left to live? Unfortunately, neither of the above. Cam’s Very Important Announcement is: he had to quit his job—which he worked very hard to get— to pursue this “journey”. Cam, I’m 0% joking when I say: I hope you get punched right in your face EVERY DAY for the rest of your life, which you will not spend being married to Hannah, or to anyone.

Then Jonathan, a true hero, takes one for the team and interrupts CAM’s time with Hannah, refusing to leave and repeating things like “you had your time”, “it’s my turn”, and “that’s what you get” (lol). I don’t think he’s winning any points with Hannah, but I also don’t think he cares that much, and I love him all the same.


Connor received a date card inviting him to go sailing with Hannah, but unfortunately it gets canceled because Hannah is sick. Instead, he’s invited to come over to her hotel suite and just hang out, which is honestly a cute “date” and a good measure of what it would be like to date someone in the real world. They hang out for a bit on her bed and chat until she’s too tired. On his way out, he leaves her a cute little Post-It scavenger hunt of “all the things he loves about her.”

Image result for this the cutest thing i've ever seen meme

After returning to the mansion and having several boring conversations with the other men, a limo driver shows up looking for Connor. He actually gets invited BACK out of the mansion for a dinner date, which I guess means Hannah’s wellbeing has improved dramatically from earlier in the day and/or she really liked the Post-Its! Connor is cute and nice, despite his extremely-annoying vocal fry, and he gets the rose at dinner.


Y’all may have noticed that Tyler G., of last week’s helicopter and mudding date, was mysteriously absent from this week’s episode. You also may not have noticed! I didn’t, until Hannah went on camera before the next group date and said [and I’m paraphrasing] “Yadda yadda, it’s been a tough week, what with me being sick and then Tyler G. having to leave, which was unfortunate, but now it’s time for the next group date with some awesome dudes!”


Bish, whet? Where he go???

The show does not mention Tyler G. a single other time during the whole episode, but per the internet, he was removed from the show by production for being a REAL fucking creep! Here is the hot goss, which includes rumors of him being an “extreme misogynist” and, while on vacation with an ex girlfriend, SPITTING ON HER and leaving her there! Charming!



The second group date is a photoshoot where the men will be styled to match… DIFFERENT LIL ANIMALS!!! I love this. I was so excited by this that I don’t even know who the men are on this date, but I DO know that the animals included: a tiny dog (possibly French bulldog), a mini horse in exercise sweatbands and wristbands, an alpaca, a snake, and one of those naked dogs with no hair. [Ed note: I googled and the participants for this date are: Garrett, Luke P., Devin, Grant, Joey, Pete, Dylan, and Luke S.]

Since The Bachelor is ABE (Always Being Extra), Demi is here again and is spying on the men through hidden cameras while the cute makeup artist hits on them. Love it! Of course, most of the men are not idiots and see right through this, as their every move/shower/shit/shave has been videotaped for two entire weeks now, and none of them fall for it. The photoshoots are very cute, except that Luke P. is following Hannah around like the cloud in the Zoloft commercial, constantly pestering her for more time/attention/topless massages. Hannah is starting to get it, but she’s not 100% there. Probably not even 20% there. I JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, GOD DAMNIT.


At the post-date hangout, Hannah actually takes Luke aside and calls him out for being cocky and not respecting her other relationships. Per usual, he looks angry and interrupts her the entire time, and she’s all “I like you, but you have to stop doing that” [“that” presumably meaning “literally everything you have done except making out with me”.]

Well, y’all know Luke P., that sweet lil whippersnapper. He’s very perceptive and truly upset that he’s hurt Hannah this way. He backs way off, going upstairs and taking some time to himself to really reflect on how his behavior have affected Hannah. He also calls his therapist for some help in making a concrete plan of action, to help him be more positive and supportive to Hannah’s journey moving forward.


Luke, a dumb asshole with the emotional intelligence of Swiss cheese, returns to the group, relays what Hannah said, and then says… and I quote… that he “doesn’t see her seeing him that way” and “is going to pretend like the conversation didn’t happen.”

jim carrey

Oops! You said the quiet part out loud! He, of course, tries to interrupt Hannah during a conversation with someone else and she tells him to go away.

Q: Luke, baby, what is you doing?!


In lieu of a pre-ceremony cocktail party this week, Hannah has requested a tailgate party because she wants to keep things light and just have some fun. Also, in lieu of continuing to work on my anger issues with my therapist, I am going to put Always Be Cam’s head through a window. He gathers all of the men pre-tailgate and basically requests that no one talk to Hannah until he has time to talk to Hannah, because he really has to tell her something SOOOooOoOOoOoOo important— “something that’s probably even too much for her to handle, and she’s probably going to send me home from it, but she deserves to know.”

The men pause for a moment, then all laugh as Mike says, “Uh… no.”


Official Carly’s Into That Poll: What is Cam’s Second Very Big And Dramatic Announcement, since apparently “having to quit his job to come here” (just like 90% of all contestants ever) wasn’t enough to earn Hannah’s sympathy???

A. Has filled Mother’s entire basement with toenail clippings he stole from the neighborhood salon’s dumpster
B. Celebrity crush is the purple Teletubby (Tinky Winky)
C. Can only achieve an erection by listening to “In The Arms Of The Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
D. Had to have surgery a few years ago

If you picked D—why?? The other options were so much more fun!! But alas, you’re correct. Cam has prepared his very own Series of Unfortunate Events, which he recounts to Hannah while desperately trying to cry. First—he hurt his leg and “almost had to have an amputation” (but ultimately didn’t.) Then, his grandma died. Then, he had to have leg surgery, which meant he had to REHOME HIS 10-MONTH OLD PUPPY. If you look closely, you can see the desperate look in his eyes that says, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????” as well as the hostage-esque look in Hannah’s that says, “Jesus Christ, I just want to go play cornhole and drink a Mich Ultra, can someone please save me??”

Luckily, Mike does, and also tells her that Cam confessed to the guys that he was going to tell her a sad story in hopes of getting a “pity rose”. Hannah is all, “the fuck?” and while we didn’t see Cam say that on camera, I 100% believe Mike because Cam is just enough of a shady psycho to try some shit like that. Hannah, ever the mediator, fact checks this information with Cam, who tries his best to look offended and shocked. It’s a swing and a miss for me, dawg.

Before the group date rose, Hannah pulls Luke P. aside AGAIN, and warns him that he needs to really fix himself and stop metaphorically peeing all over her leg in front of the other men, because she really likes him, but this behavior is unacceptable. She tells the camera—“I’m starting to see some small red flags.”


While good in theory, in practice Hannah’s speech has all the gravitas of when I tell my dog that if she eats ONE MORE LIZARD, so help me god!— I will take her RIGHT back to the shelter, because that is SEW GROSS!!—and then I kiss her little head and floof her ears and help her get her blankie situated just how she likes it because she’s a good girl. Luke P. is not going anywhere and we all know it.


Supreme Lizard Murderer


“Who the fuck was that?” – me during this entire ceremony

Hannah’s dress tonight isn’t bad— a sparkly garnet number— but she matched her lipstick to it, and paired it with an awful necklace that looks like it’s made from hematite (#90sBaby) for an overall look of Freshman Invited To Senior Prom.

hannah garnet.PNG

Please join me in saying goodbye to:
-Joey (who??)
-Jonathan, the hero we deserved

More like ALWAYS BE CALLING A LYFT, amirite, my good binch??? Haha, I’m just kidding… you can walk home, you rude little douchebag. Truly couldn’t be more excited to see a mediocre man discover that, sometimes, being yourself is just not enough! Always Be Crying About How Life Isn’t Fair! Always Be Condescending! Always Be Cocky For No Reason Because She Didn’t Even Like You And You’re Lucky The Producers Made Her Keep You Around For Three Whole Weeks Before They Got Bored!


Tune back in next week to see remaining villain Luke P. completely Lose His Shit and start threatening other contestants, gesticulating wildly, and generally spraying toxic masculinity like a broken fire hydrant! #FLORIDA!


Carly’s Into Bach, Week 2: Drag Queens and Dramz

Hello friends, and welcome to Week 2 of my eternal punishment for my behavior in college Hannah Brown as The Bachelorette! Let’s jump right in as Hannah chooses the men for the first group date, which was undoubtedly designed by some of the most vindictive sadists on the face of the earth.


Today’s victims will be Grant, both Lukes, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, JPJ, and Dylan. The date card reads: “I’m looking for my Mr. Right.” Is it just me or is everything HEAVILY ominous this season??

The men show up at an auditorium, where they’re greeted by Miss Jay of ANTM fame (yaaaaaaaaaaas!) and two lovely drag queens. It’s abundantly clear that Luke has never seen a drag queen before, and you can just see him adding this to the agenda for his next Shower Chat with Jesus:

luke reaction

Unsurprisingly, the group date challenge is a “Mr. Right” pageant! Get it? Because Hannah is a pageant girl? Our three experts help the men pick their talents for the talent portion and give them tips on how to work the runway.

And work the runway they do—in Speedos! The guys are clearly having fun with it, which is nice. Jed was hiding an extremely jacked bod under that suit jacket last week; Luke P. looks like an actual fitness model; and Mike and his thighs do a lil twerk move at the end of the runway, almost sending me into cardiac arrest. 


Next up is the talent portion! JPJ (who washed his fucking hair this week, thank god) rides a unicycle with surprising success; Mike wears a clown outfit and perilously high heels. Jed, who is quickly becoming my fave, wrote Hannah a cute-ass lil song, which both she and the audience LOVE.

Then… it’s Luke’s turn. Apparently Luke’s talent is being a living organism comprised entirely of red flags, because rather than attempting a clown act, or singing, or dancing… he uses his time to tell her that he is “starting to fall in love with her.” Literally just that! After 2 days! He then walks down the runway and kisses her in front of the whole audience and all the other dudes. It’s a power move, but it’s………. upsetting.

oh no baby

At the post-date party, Mike is masterfully shady in a way that I treasure: he makes a toast to “real love that’s forever, not just for 15 minutes.” Luke, of course, steals Hannah away, where she asks him “um, how could you know already that you’re falling in love with me??” to which he starts spouting a bunch of alarming bullshit about how he ALREADY HAD FEELINGS FOR HER BEFORE THEY MET.

too much.gif

Hannah, unfortunately, is eating right out of his hand. Luke P. is going to win and I’m going to eat my couch in despair. She does make one good decision though, which is to give the group date rose to Jed, who put on a truly sweet/sexy combo display of pecs/songwriting at the pageant. Luke is visibly furious. I need a drink!!


Our first one-on-one date of the season also features the first helicopter ride of the season (major points for me in the Bach Bracket!!!) Hannah selects Tyler G. and they hop into the helicopter, landing at a date where they will go mudding. TG is from Florida (represent!) and HB is, obviously, from Alabama, so they should both be at home here.

Side note—Tyler got one of the worst and most misleading bio pics I’ve ever seen. Does he not look like he walks around in his spare time looking for a nerd to put in a headlock?? IRL (or at least on video) Tyler has a completely normal head-neck ratio and is a sweetheart.

tyler g tweet

Hannah tells Tyler G. about how horribly nervous and awkward she was on her first date with Colton (the worst date I’ve ever seen) and how she “didn’t know how much Hannah to share with him” or something like that. What a terrible way to feel! I’m glad she is, like, at least to the point where she can…….. have a conversation with a man, where she talks about herself and maybe even…….. her interests……..??? Dinner is standard and he gets the rose. Seems like a nice guy!


Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter Pan Pilot, and Garrett are invited on the second group date. This means that Connor S., Cam, and… someone else who I can’t remember… did not get a date this week.

The date is: Roller Derby, hosted by second-longest-running Bachelor franchise cast member, Fred Willard! Listen, I’m certainly in no place to judge here, because the last time I put on skates I fell directly onto my assbone and I still can’t sit comfortably on a spin bike. The only way I know how to stop on skates is by running into a wall as gently as possible. But… this is an absolutely hilarious date because only one of the men (Daron) can skate at all! The rest of them are gingerly clomping around in their little shorts, repeatedly busting ass. It’s like watching a baby giraffe walk for the first time. I love it! Anyway, Daron’s team wins because he’s literally the only person who I think made it around the ring even once. Go Daron!

At the post-date party she talks with Devin and Daron, and kisses Dustin (the guy with the nose ring). I’ll admit it— prior to this occurrence, I would have bet my dog that Hannah would go her entire life without kissing any person of any gender with a nose ring! Proud of u, babe.

As you may remember, Cam was not invited on this date— or, in fact, on ANY date this week! But, in true mediocre white man fashion, he doesn’t let that stop him! Cam proudly tells the camera, for the 7,412th time tonight, that he has to follow his life motto to “ABC, Always Be Cam”.

Image result for i'm gonna come over there and i'm gonna gif


Tonight, ABC means rolling up via Producer Van with a large tacky bouquet, and barging in on Hannah’s conversation with (if I recall correctly) Devin. Hannah is mortified and apologizes profusely to The Interrupted, which should have been a sign for ol’ ABC, but he ignores it and charges on. “Be Bold!”, he tells himself, as she grimaces and barely hugs him. On his way out, several of the men WHO WERE INVITED ON THIS DATE TO SPEND TIME WITH HANNAH individually catch him outside (how bout dat?) to tell him that this was a dick move and annoying and also, nobody likes him. He tries to act like he doesn’t care, but you can tell he’s gearing up for a Big Cry later.

Cam, if you want to be the Big Asshole Villain a la Chad, you have to have THE most aggravatingly inflated ego on the planet like Chad. You can’t pull that shit off just because you’re tall; you have to OWN being a fucking psychopath. I enjoy a good villain, but ABCam just makes me feel emotionally flaccid. You know what? NO ONE ELSE try to be Chad, ever again, because it’s not possible. Thanks!!!

tap tap.gif


Hannah shows up in the Tuscaloosa version of a Becca dress: a clingy, red, floor-length number with FUCKING CUTOUTS ALL UP THE ENTIRE FUCKING RIGHT SIDE! That’s right, folks! From THIGH LEVEL, ALL THE WAY UP: cutouts. Even on the long sleeve. Even where undergarments would be. I don’t hate this dress because I’m a prude, I hate this dress because it was forged at the intersection of HELL AND A BELK OUTLET! FIX, IT, JESUS!

hannah red dress.PNG


Anyway, Hannah enters the cocktail party and immediately bursts into tears because she is so grateful for the men, or something. Can’t relate! She thanks them for being “real”, a word which has officially lost all meaning, and Connor S. kicks off the night by pulling her aside. She assures him that he wasn’t selected for a date because she already knew she felt good about their relationship. Good for you, Connor S.! After Connor, poor Kevin—one of the primary victims of Always Be Cam’s smash-n-grab at the group date—finally gets a chance to talk with her.

I can’t believe I have to even type this, but: Cam fucking shows up again, and says that he has something planned for… all three of them. Kevin looks like he is about to shoot lasers out of his eyes. I have a feeling that, outside of the show, Cam spends A LOT of time getting his fucking ass kicked. Anyway, the “something” is chicken nuggets, because—OF COURSE!—Cam thinks he is special for being an adult man that doesn’t eat vegetables. [Side note: Luke P. is REAL FUCKING LUCKY that this walking pickup artist class is on the show, because it’s saving him a lot of grief as Biggest Douchebag.] The three of them all sit outside on a blanket. Cam offers Kevin some nuggets, then opens a ring box with… a honey mustard in it.

Image result for bachelorette chicken nuggets

Hannah pretends like she doesn’t want to absolutely just die from the awkwardness, and Kevin— a man with MUCH more restraint than I personally have—takes the fancy silver thing that originally covered the chicken nuggets and smashes it directly into Cam’s face walks inside. Even when Cam mockingly calls after him “Thank you, garçon!” Kevin somehow squashes the urge to return to the blanket and administer a lethal dose of Those Fists. A gentleman and a scholar.

When Cam comes back inside, though, Kevin tosses the nuggets at him and tells him to go fuck himself. Which is, honestly, cathartic. Everyone should be telling Always Be Cam to Always Go Fuck Himself, at all times.


I’m giving this its own section because I’ve never seen anything quite like this in my several years with the franchise. Luke has set up a massage stand for him and Hannah. Okay, sure, that’s fun and flirty, right? Wrong! He starts to give her a neck rub and makes a joke about being good with his hands (how original!) 5 seconds later and they’re frantically making out and Hannah is removing his shirt?? Girl! I know you liked what you saw in the Speedo, but do you remember there are cameras here???

Clearly, she does! Flushed and bright-eyed, Hannah tells the camera that there’s “just something about Luke” and that she’s “always so excited to see him”. Girl, we get it! You’re absolutely FLOODING your dungarees right now, but you need to take a step back! What if one of the other guys came over right now and saw this? Would you have liked to see Colton shirtless and dry-humping Caelynn on a massage table?? I don’t think you would have!

True to form, darling Jed rounds the corner, hoping to have a few minutes to talk with Hannah. He’s, rightfully, taken aback by the softcore porn set onto which the producers have nudged him, while Hannah and Luke both stammer “Oh! Um! It’s not as much as it looks like! Ha ha!!!!!” See below:

Image result for cam ayala bachelor chicken nuggets

Jed politely excuses himself and Hannah follows him out. Jed is very cool about it, like, obviously other dudes are also into her and she’s kissing them too and etc. etc., but the shirtless grinding was Too Much for the fuckin’ cocktail party, girl.

judging lucilly


We say goodbye to Connor J., Daron, and Matthew tonight. We hardly knew ye! The group toasts with champagne after they leave, as always, with Cam offering up: “To the future Mrs. Hannah Ayala! …That’s my last name.” Everyone boos and says, dude, we’re not going to fucking cheers to that! I couldn’t be awaiting this man’s downfall any more than I already am. Cam’s ex girlfriends, if you’re reading this, please DM me. Is he this weird in person? Does he yell “ALWAYS BE CAM!” in the bedroom?? We need to talk!!!