Hello and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, after an accidental hiatus because I got so bored with this season that I fell into a Boredom Coma, had to be hospitalized, and was only recently discharged. Here’s what you missed last week on Hometowns:

Most importantly, we said goodbye to Colton, as it would be in bad taste for him to propose to Becca while continuing his Obvious Reality TV Love Story with Tia on BIP in just a few weeks! This week: Fantasy Suites, featuring 4 of the least sexual beings on our entire earthly plane.

For this week’s Adventures In Fuqq, our brave contestants are in Chiang Mai, Thailand. This is the first interesting destination of the season, and we’re just here to get some dick! I’m disappointed. In her intro, Becca (wearing a blue and orange sarong paired with all-pink makeup that clashes badly with her clothes and also, miraculously, with itself) says she is “in love with two men and falling in love with a third.” Same, girl! I’m IN love with Leo and Wills, and FALLING in love with my boyfriend of 3.5 years.

FIRST DATE: BLAKE

Becca and Blake go hiking up to a sacred temple, where they meet with a monk who (allegedly) shares with them the secrets of a successful relationship. Since he’s speaking through a translator, I much prefer to believe that he’s saying things like “Give up now! This woman doesn’t love you! She bout to fuck and run! Sorry, my dude!!! Nice shirt tho.”

Post-monk, they sit in the jungle and talk about their “core values” some more. I am barely awake. At dinner, Blake is clearly looking for some validation as far as the status of Becca’s relationships with the other two guys. She stares at him with a nice dead-eyed smile and gives him nothing. Power move, Becs! Blake is very nice, and is definitely not winning, but will make for a nice, handsome sacrificial lamb at the proposal altar. Finally, Blake reads The Letter from Chris Harrison, which includes a key that allegedly opens the door to the Fantasy Suite where they may, if they choose, Stay As A Couple aka FUUUUUUUUQQ. However, the key is very clearly made out of plastic, perhaps stolen from a child’s first diary at Walmart. That thing ain’t opening ANY AirBNB doors, my dude! Unsurprisingly, they decide to fuqq, and the camera pans out as Blake slowly closes a barely-frosted bedroom door. Happy sex, y’all!

In the morning, Becca rather pointedly tells Blake he’s too “in his head” this morning, a phrase she keeps using that truly means nothing. Where does one live if not “in their head”? Not everyone can dissociate on command, although sometimes I wish I could!  After she leaves Blake in the Fuqq Room, he says “There’s no way she has this with anyone else!”

SECOND DATE: JASON

Becca is wearing a top and skirt set from a cheap fashion “brand” that exclusively advertises through Instagram. She looks like a pair of dice. Curiously, after we see her in this ensemble maybe twice, the next time she’s filmed, her previously-exposed midriff and entire bottom half are wrapped in a long scarf-type thing. Either she’d just bought it and was feeling festive, or her skirt was too short/otherwise disrespectful for the area in which they were filming. As someone who has felt disrespected by literally every outfit Becca has worn this season, I’m hoping it was the latter.

Anyway, Becca and Jason wander around a market type thing, until Becca makes one joke about their future house together and has a bizarro panic reaction. Always a great sign! Becca excuses herself from Jason, goes to camera, and says “I don’t knowwwwwwwww, I just feel weeeeeeeeirddddddddd” 1,100 fucking times, with no further explanation of how or why.

At dinner she finally is able to verbalize that she felt so “weeeeeeeirrrrrrrdddddddd” earlier because, surprising only Jason in the entire universe, she is not that into him compared to the other two dudes. Just like during their day date, she spontaneously gets up and wanders around complaining for 5 minutes, leaving him to sit alone instead of just ripping off the fucking Band-aid. When she returns, she unceremoniously dumps him with a lame speech about how she “doesn’t see them together” or something else equally vague. Jason is actually a catch, compared to 99% of people who come on this godforsaken show, so it should be extremely easy for him to meet a woman who doesn’t have the personality of a damp Kleenex. DM me, I’ll give you my cousin’s number!!

THIRD DATE: GARRETT

Finally, our frontrunner makes his appearance. Their chemistry is still so intense that, the moment he shows up on screen, I fall asleep for 10-15 minutes, my head hanging sideways onto my shoulder and giving me a commemorative neck-ache that I know I’ll have for days. I have no idea what happened on this date, but I’m sure it was thrilling. When I wake up, they’re making out on a picnic blanket and deciding (shocker!) to go Fuqq in the Fuqq Suite. Disturbingly, this week’s fantasy suite is an actual treehouse, and is decorated like a child’s bedroom. Happy sex, y’all, I guess!

PRODUCER DRAMA

The producers have roped poor Jason, convincingly cosplaying as Danny Zuko from Grease, into showing back up at Becca’s hotel because “he didn’t like where [they] closed the door.”

He hands her a scrapbook of their time together, which would be an extremely serial killer move except for the 0% chance that Jason made this himself, or even had the idea in the first place. What is she supposed to do with this when she’s “engaged” to someone else? Put it on the bottom shelf of a bookcase and begrudgingly pack it up through three different moves, feeling increasingly haunted by its presence before finally throwing it away in the middle of the night? I feel sorry for the poor intern who spent 12 hours putting that thing together. You should have gotten to keep it as part of your resume.

ROSE CEREMONY

Obviously, both Garrett and Blake get roses, and (for the 6,541^st time) Becca dutifully recites her favorite relationship anecdote, which is that she is looking for an equal partner and someone to “go 50/50” with her. Is that a sex thing? Just kidding! It’s definitely not, like, consider the source.

Tune in next week for the Men Tell All, which I may or may not cover depending on how much it features my future co-fiancées Leo and Wills. Also, can we all agree to stop paying attention to Jordan when he wears his “desperate cry for help outfit” of just gold lamé underpants? It’s getting sad.