Carly’s Into Bach: Week 5

Welcome back to yet another week in hell paradise! As some of you may have noticed, there was no Week 4 recap, as I had a 24-hour bug and then a 4-day vacation immediately after last week’s episode. sorry.gif

The only really important event last week was the SPECTACULAR flame-out of Jean Blanc, which I feel obligated to address. The colognesseur (not even gonna try on the spelling) gave Becca a personalized perfume with both of their names on it and told her he was falling in love with her. As Jean Blanc was mid-pack at best in his relationship with Becca, him being the first one to say it clearly threw her off. When she expresses this, he launches the biggest backpedal in history, which basically ends in him saying that he only said it because he thought it’s what she wanted to hear, and also, he gave her a present, didn’t she like it???

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Needless to say, Becca was pissed, and he was dispatched with a quickness. Bummer! I truly didn’t see that coming! Now, onto Week 5, in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. Read More

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 3

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! Let’s, in Becca’s favorite words that already make me want to eat a chunk of drywall, “do the damn thing.”

The cameras pan in on a nice morning in the Dude Mansion. David is making what appear to be BOMB-ass omelettes for everyone, and Jordan is snarking that making breakfast is boring. Wrong call, my dude. EVERYONE likes the guy who makes breakfast! Fuck, even Garrett, Parkland Truther could win me over with a nice plate of waffles!! (Just kidding. I’m not a demon.) Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 2

Welcome back to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, where we recap the latest Bachelorette episode which we probably watched through our fingers while cringing. Let’s jump right into Week 2!

The episode begins with a montage of many white dudes whom I could not tell apart if my life depended on it, interspersed with footage of Becca riding a bike near the beach. Ocean metaphors abound: something like “I just have to go with the flow”, “ride the wave”, etc. So creative, y’all! The preview for the evening features Haunted Ken Doll Jordan looking even more aggressively tanned and Botoxed than Week 1, and Simple Garrett— bigot, Parkland truther, and probable season winner— looking wide-eyed and Just Happy To Be Here. Read More