Carly’s Into Bach, Week 8/Hometowns: “He Seems Like A Guy”

Good morning, Bachelor Nation, and welcome to pulls out bullhorn HOOOOOOOMETOOOOOOOOWNS, aka The “WILL THE DADS APPROVE OF COLTON????” Episode. As with at least three other episodes this season, we start off watching Colton in the shower. Do we usually see the bachelor shower this much?!? I feel like we NEVER saw Ben in the shower. Did he not shower, or was he just allowed to shower in peace instead of doing this bobo Playgirl schtick because he’s a software salesman and not a “pro” athlete? Smells like LOOKS-BASED DISCRIMINATION to me!!

Anyway, let’s settle in and get ready to watch one man tell four women’s families, in a span of about two weeks, that their daughter is special, and he is falling in love with her, and he can see a future with her! Now imagine everyone watching this as the episodes come out, many months later!

jay z

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 7: I Colora-do

Goooooood morning, friends, and welcome to our last episode before hometowns! This week’s episode begins with Colton’s vlog again, which I couldn’t possibly hate any more than I already do. He’s feeling frustrated after all three women last week left him with mysterious messages regarding “people in the house who aren’t ready.” He clearly thought it was Demi (and it was) but when Demi ALSO gave the same warning, he seemed very confused. And who better to counsel him than Ben Higgins, who INARGUABLY picked the wrong girl and has already broken his engagement! Just kidding, Ben, I love you, please DM me.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Vietnamaste, Bitches!

Good morning, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended on a pointless and annoying dramatic cliffhanger, with Colton politely excusing himself from Onyeka/Nicole and going for a walk down the beach. The girls continue chattering nervously about how upset he looks, but to me he just looks like a white dude, walking in the ocean wearing a full suit, including shoes. Annnnd now it’s time for our rose ceremony! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: Thai’d Up In Knots

Good morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathizers, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where this week’s post title is not only a pun about Thailand, but a joke about boats! Because both of the dates take place on boats! Get it??? Thank you.

By way of apology, I will tell you right here at the beginning: there is no rose ceremony tonight! What a fuckin’ drag! However, with the departures of Tracey and Courtney, the girls seem to be getting along much better in the house, which is refreshing. The episode begins without much fanfare as Heather is awarded the one-on-one date card, which reads “Heather— let’s experience something new.” Read More