The housing section of Craigslist is one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I browse through houses and apartments, daydreaming over where I could end up once my current lease ends. I drool over $2k/month downtown loft spaces that I could afford 7-12 jobs from now. But as of late, my favorite part of Craigslist housing is combing through the dirtiest of its laundry by searching for “FWB”. This produces a generally small but horrifying sample of generous, kind-hearted gentlemen looking to trade rent and/or other living expenses in their homes for- you guessed it!- sex. What follows is what I believe to be THE Quintessential 2015 Looking For Live-In Blowup Doll In Exchange For Almost-Free Rent Craigslist Post.

First, we meet our hero:

Okie doke.

And now our hero meets us:

Wait, I’m already confused- is Tom looking for a female? Also, stop trying to have sex with 18 year olds. Genetically and in all other ways, they have more in common with a Mike’s Hard Lemonade than with your droopy grandpa ass. Verdict: Tom is gross.

Obligatory NO FATTIES!!!! Tom is 6’2, 199 lbs. Tom has never eaten food. Tom would prefer that you have also never eaten food, because girls who eat food make his dick look small. #compatibility

I’m really starting to dig Tom’s style here. By using all caps and repeating every phrase 3-5 times, he seems to be convinced that his dream girl is too stupid to understand sentences that are typed only once, much less using lowercase letters. I have great hope for this union. Also, I’d bet a month of my own rent that references are NOT available, because a) no one has lived in your creepy-ass house with you before, and even if someone had, b) cell phones don’t work from the bottom of a drainage pond.

Tom is a simple man, you guys. He just wants to meet and immediately have sex with the woman of his dreams “Q@UICKLY AND EASILY!” without putting in any effort whatsoever. Going on dates, getting to know one another, talking about hopes and dreams, snuggling, watching bad tv over Chinese food? TOM NOT INTERESTED! Tom want sex NOW! Tom have sex with Woman (provided she “weight” less than 150 lbs). Tom and Woman now in love.

Possibly my favorite part of this hot goddamn mess: Tom, though now head-over-heels in love with his new housemate/life partner/sex slave, requests that she “BUY [HER] OWN FOOD”. Tom not wallet. Tom not refrigerator. Tom have sex with Woman.

Tom, tell me about the last time you reciprocated oral sex. I’ll wait.

Ladies, I feel that up to this point, I have been less than straightforward about Tom’s intentions with you: TOM WOULD LIKE TO BE INTIMATE WITH YOU IN A FWB FWB FWB FWB TYPE RELATIONSHIP. His home has many benefits: walls, a roof, a/c (maybe), a refrigerator in which you may store the food that you bought for yourself, and a manipulative proto-rapist who lives in one of the bedrooms and feels entitled (based on the terms of your lease) to “BE INTIMATE” with you.

“Terms of his probation”, yadda yadda.

Will we be glad, Tom? Will we? At this point I am contemplating whether I will ever feel glad about anything, ever again.

This fucking guy: Carly’s not into that.