Y’all, I love the internet. I love the internet more than most people love the internet. I love the internet more than I love most people (sorry, Mom!)
It’s a place where one can find answers to those embarrassing questions that would prompt a side-eye from even the best of friends (“what is Argentina”; “is butter a carb”; “ass rash 4 days after using PortaPotty”). A place where one can spend literal hours trolling through online dating profiles in hopes of finding even one potential suitor who has an acceptable beard, believes that no always means no, AND knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”. A place where one can decorate one’s entire home/office/backyard/underground sex dungeon using only the power of Mason jars.
But in the last few years, something evil has polluted the sanctuary that I hold so dear.
Clickbait. Headlines that exist for the sole purpose of pilfering our precious clicks- a currency that we once cherished, because each website took over 78 minutes to load. Headlines that, despite the looming and inevitable dread of knowing that our faith in humanity will NOT be restored, we still click. Headlines that, from the few examples I quickly assembled above, are disproportionately targeting lions.
How do we cope? How do we continue to scroll, knowing that any second, we could be attacked by an article that refuses to back down until our faith in humanity has been restored?
It’s simple: WE KILL THE BATMAN!
And then, we use clickbait headlines to play Cards Against Humanity. Because some of the best things in life are AWFUL, and that’s okay, and our opinions about humanity are our own, to have to and to hold, in sickness and in health, forever and ever amen, as long as we all shall exist on this earthly plane.
So let’s play a few rounds with our friends MaCkensZiY’e, Qwuiiin, Fyrebyrd, and Jessica. All headlines are (unfortunately and inexplicably) real; all CAH cards were downloaded here, where its creators have been so generous as to provide sick little shits like myself with the means to create our own copies of the game.
Ooh, tough call, but I’ve gotta give it to “same-sex ice dancing”- any man can doodle around in PantsTown for 15 seconds and then ask “did you…?”, as if that a universe exists in which that’s possible, but it takes a very special man to grab his bestie and twerk it out in some skates to “Milkshake”.
“Look at this graph…”
**I could have pulled at least 400,000 more examples just from this website. BoredomTherapy.com, you are the reason why we, as a whole, cannot have nice things. Case in point:
One of you is a disgusting pervert! Next time, sit next to me, “exactly what you’d expect”.
Just… just one bucket?
Finally, a bonus round, for all my married readers:
Faith in humanity restored!