Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach and, for the first time, to the Bahamas, where—if this week’s preview is true—we may finally find an answer to the eternal question: “Who let the dogs out?”
Becca’s beginning-of-episode montages have been painfully awkward from the get-go, and this week is no different. Chris Harrison clearly needs her to Show More Feelings, so he plops her down on a couch and asks her about her progress with the men so far. Becca, dead eyes caked in surprisingly-crusty mascara (I SEE U, STYLIST), replies: “It is working so much more than I ever expected at this point.” She is wearing a black crop top and what looks to be a pair of dress slacks badly converted to a skirt? Beige… with black pinstripes, but……. like a beach coverup.
She arrives at the Boys’ Mansion to notify them that this week, there will be THREE one-on-ones and a group date (because I’m good at math, I can tell you that it will include the remaining three dudes.) That’s all well and good, but more importantly: Wills is wearing a leopard power-clash shorts-suit and I treasure him deeply.
Becca leads Colton onto a yacht, where they make out as heavily as two sentient customer service questionnaires can. This footage is expertly spliced with footage of the boys back home speculating whether or not Colton will tell Becca he’s a virgin today.
Colton seems to be attempting to do just that, when a joyful Bahamian man named Action, with whom I am now in love, boards their yacht and tells them that they need some “conch” in their lives. “Conch” puns positively ABOUND from here on out. He tells them to dive down, grab some conch (heh), and eat some special portion of it because it’s like “Bahamian Viagra.”
Becca: “I doubt me and Colton need any aphrodisiac right now!!!”
Before the dinner date, Becca tells the camera: “Colton would have to drop a crazy bomb on me to not get the rose at this point!”
After a heavy slug of pinot grigio, Colton goes for it, telling Becca that because he put his Sports Life ahead of his Personal Life, he is still a virgin.
She finally recovers (either from shock, or from the nickel poisoning in those earrings that is slowly killing her) and says something like “Oh! Well. I don’t want to put you out of your comfort zone.”, then ungracefully excuses herself to stare “pensively” at the ocean for what seems like a PAINFUL amount of time.
Becca! what the shit! Listen, when someone shares an extremely personal fact with you, like this one, basically any response is better than what you did:
Despite the fact that there’s maybe a 1% chance Colton is actually a virgin, I feel bad for the dude! How uncomfortable!! She finally returns, they talk it out a bit, she stops being so extremely frigid and weird, and he gets a rose. They kiss while a medium-sized fountain erupts in the foreground. Subtle!
The second date goes to Garrett, and Blake slowly begins to crumble.
Becca and Garrett’s chemistry is still insane, as evidenced by dialogue such as this:
Becca: “We have a ride.”
*A seaplane lands behind them.*
Becca: “This is our ride.”
Becca: “I can’t wait to look at the Bahamas from the sky with him.”
Date activities include drawing their names in the sand with a large stick; making out in prom-photo-pose; making out on a tire swing; and making out while laying in the waves, having many pounds of sand delivered directly into their asscracks. Y’all better get that cleaned out before fantasy suites! Heyoooooo!
At dinner, Garrett explains his sunny outlook on life, saying “I don’t let things get me down, because life is so short.” Garrett, do you mean like the lives of the children who were tragically murdered during the Parkland school shooting? Maybe not, since according to Garrett’s various now-defunct social media accounts, Parkland was a ploy by the librul media to TAKE ARE GUNS! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
The rest of the dinner date is super boring, except for Becca’s jewelry, which has me glued to my chair in horror, Get-Out-style.
After dinner, they strip down to their bathing suits and run directly into the ocean at night, hoping to be devoured in a chilling recreation of the iconic Jaws scene. I, too, want to be delivered from this hell by the powerful jaws of a shark.
Much like he has personally done to countless women in the past, ABC has forced the president on me, right in the middle of my life, which I was trying to enjoy without ever seeing his disgusting anus-mouth or hearing his “weasel tryna shit”-ass voice. I turned it off. Hopefully someone will tell me when it’s back on!
25 MINUTES LATER
Blake and Becca are dancing with The Baja Men. That’s fun, but sorry— I’m too angry about the imminent and unavoidable stripping of my fundamental reproductive rights to care about the rest of this fucking date! Have fun dancing to that fun new song! I have to go get an IUD!!!!
Apparently Blake is the first to say “I love you” and she cries and is all, “aww, can u say that again” and I’m all, “with my insurance, will CVS even give me a fucking Xanax for the insertion, which I’ve heard is extremely painful???”
THREE ON ONE
Jason, Leo, and Wills venture to the beach with Beige-cca (that doesn’t work, but I had to try). It’s already clear that Leo and Wills, the only hot or interesting men left, are going to be cut in favor of Disney Jason. I’m furious, because I treasure Leo and his man bun and Wills and his adorable outfits; however, I am also glad, because being engaged to Becca would be a fate worse than death for anyone as fun as either of them. Sorry! Jason, cosplaying as the villain from a 1990s High School Stereotypes Learn Something About Themselves film, wears a sparkling white henley and mint daisy dukes.
Leo basically initiates his own breakup, saying that many of the other dudes are further along than him in their relationships with Becca. She’s all, “omg, you’re right.” We get some footage of him walking along the beach, probably thinking about sandwiches. Leo, call me, immediately, I’m serious.
Soon after, Wills says he’s falling in love with her, which is an extremely sweet moment. He cries—I cry —Becca, displaying the emotional range of a stampeding buffalo, sends him home almost immediately. Go fuck yourself, my dude, you’re rude and tacky and that was A GOOD MAN!!!!!!
By process of elimination, Disney Jason receives the fourth and final rose of the week. They make out or whatever, and ABC generously transcribes what he whispers whilst celebratorily nuzzling her ear: “I can’t freaking wait for you to come to freaking Buffalo!” My vagina permanently seals itself shut. Maybe I don’t need that IUD afterall!
Tune back in next week for hometowns, featuring some FABULOUS Mom Hair and the ever-present “parents looking like they don’t approve of the show but really it’s just deceptive editing and actually they’re fine with their kid finding a spouse on TV in the span of 9 weeks.”
Xoxo, love y’all, mean it.