My Fitness Frenemy

There comes a time in every person’s life when he or she looks in the mirror and sees this:

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Wait… Really? Not everyone??? Alright, fine. But know that if you’ve never sobbed in traffic while texting your significant other that you wish you weren’t “built like the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s inbred cousin” (actual words- I checked), this post may not be for you.

For as long as I can remember, my relationship with food has been plagued by more drama, bathroom-sobbing, and overall emotional breakdowns than all 20 seasons of The Bachelor combined. Name any diet plan you can think of- South Beach, Atkins, Weight Watchers, low carb, no carb, Cabbage Soup, Master Cleanse (aka the Lemonade with Cayenne Pepper Diet), Major Depressive Episode, Weekly Chipotle Colon Cleanse, Poking At Your Stomach To See If It Goes Away, Just Cigarettes, Crying A Lot, Hungarian Tapeworm Implantation- and I’ve tried it, sometimes with disastrous results.

**Carly’s Into That Official Disclaimer: Do not, under any circumstances, participate in the Master Cleanse. You will cry; you will shit your brains out; you will cry WHILE shitting your brains out; you will experience visual hallucinations; you may or may not fantasize about eating non-food objects like your desk chair. I definitely didn’t! Not at all! Haha!**

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SkinnyMint Teatox

Hey, you there! Yes, you- sitting at your computer wearing sweatpants, Cheeto dust, and a blank stare.

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  • Is your body the shape, color, and consistency of a forgotten cantaloupe?
  • Do you long for the days when your body will no longer be cantaloupe-shaped, but instead: toned, tanned, sexually irresistible, and outfitted in the most impeccable designer gymwear?
  • Do you want to achieve these results with little to no change in your diet/exercise/4-day-Netflix binge habits?
  • Do you lack even the most basic logic and reasoning skills necessary to make an intelligent consumer decision?
  • I put $1000 in one of Kate Upton’s old bras and glued it to your ceiling. Did you look?

kate-upton-dougie

If you answered yes: DO WE HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU!!! Read More