Hey, you there! Yes, you- sitting at your computer wearing sweatpants, Cheeto dust, and a blank stare.

• Is your body the shape, color, and consistency of a forgotten cantaloupe?
• Do you long for the days when your body will no longer be cantaloupe-shaped, but instead: toned, tanned, sexually irresistible, and outfitted in the most impeccable designer gymwear?
• Do you want to achieve these results with little to no change in your diet/exercise/4-day-Netflix binge habits?
• Do you lack even the most basic logic and reasoning skills necessary to make an intelligent consumer decision?
• I put $1000 in one of Kate Upton’s old bras and glued it to your ceiling. Did you look?

If you answered yes: DO WE HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU!!!

As the persistent assault on my brain and eyeballs via sponsored Facebook ad has reminded me every 3-4 hours for the last 8 months: SKINNYMINT TEATOX IS THE ANSWER.*

For the low price of only $54.90:

-Teatox will “speed up” your “metabolism”!

-Teatox will “detox” (ho ho! it rhymes! I feel smart because I get it!) your body and help you lose weight by removing “toxins” (these are VERY heavy.)

-Teatox will make you burn more calories EVEN WHILE YOU JUST KEEP EXISTING OVER THERE ON (OR IN) THE COUCH!

-Teatox will put your Fireball-drunk ass in an Uber and even maybe call you the next morning to make sure you ended up at home and not in a ditch, silly Princess!

-Teatox also functions as a 14-speed vibrator! (Disclaimer: I may have made this one up.)

The Official Teatox FAQs strongly caution: “SkinnyMint is NOT a diet and you have to eat your regular meals!” Thus, by simply adding 2 leaf-based beverages per day to your diet of Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuits, microwave chimichangas, Mountain Dew Code Red, Tyson Buffalo Wing Anytizers, ice cream sandwiches (Neopolitan), Cheez-Wiz out of the can, Crunchy JIF spread onto 3 bags of BagelThins, and a bottle of Arbor Mist PrisonGrigio™, your waist will almost instantly wither to a mere 14 inches, as your buttocks inflate to a perfect Kim Kardashian-sized upside-down peach. While the apparently-requisite breast implants are not included in your purchase price, you’ll be so perfect in every other way that your new plastic surgeon husband won’t mind just slappin’ em in there himself!

Instead of buying:

575 Celestial Seasonings Peppermint teabags
188.5 bottles of Nestle Pure Life Purified Water
17.7 boxes of Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies
or
110.5 Kraft Original Microwavable Easy Mac Macaroni & Cheese Snack Packets,

scrounge together your last fifty-four dollars and ninety cents and spend it on 28 Morning Boost Teabags and 14 Night Cleanse Teabags!!!!!!! For the equivalent of only 6.8 hours worked at the Florida minimum wage, you can be insanely hot like Mariano, Deborah, Maya, and Mona.

What are genetics? What is exercise? Why waste time finding out? Buy Teatox today.

*Talk to your doctor before purchasing Teatox. Side effects may include weight gain, hemorrhoids, mood swings, blackouts, jaundice, facial cartilage deterioration, brain damage, vampirism, kidney abandonment, life without parole, excessive body hair, loose groin syndrome, and permanent vegetative state.