Ever since the introduction of Facebook’s Like button, users have whined about the lack of a Dislike button. It’s a fair point, and one that’s often clarified in the comment section: “I don’t ‘like’ that someone sideswiped your car while it was parked in the garage and didn’t leave a note! I’m just showing my support!!!”
After something like 8 years, Facebook finally decided it was tired of watching your Great Aunt Martha try to explain why her clicking the Like button does not mean that she likes it when bad things happen to you.
But rather than just adding the oft-requested Dislike button to the mix, they added a whole host of new “Reactions”. Now, when someone posts a picture of their brunch with the caption “#sundayfunday #mimosas #yaassskween #blessed <3“, we have the following choices:
I felt weird about these new additions at first. It makes me nervous when the number of Likes on my posts is smaller than normal because everyone is clicking Love or Haha instead (I am universally adored). But then I realized that most of us are missing out on the best possible uses of these new emojis: pettiness, childish behavior, and general headfuckery.
If you are “nice” or “mature” or “an adult”, this strategy may not be for you. For the rest of us, I’ve compiled a helpful guide to using the new Reactions in a petty-as-fuck manner, guaranteed to warm your cold heart with the anger and bewilderment of the innocent.
Let’s start off simple, with the Love button (gentlemen- remember that.) This reaction is perfectly suited to initiating some childish bullshit. Click the Love button with relish in the following situations:
–Bloated, soulless human landfill with whom you once planned to spend the rest of your life is engaged to the girl he was cheating on you with, and is currently cheating on with someone else.
–Dude who dumped you for someone prettier in 2010 is now listed as single, and is posting statuses containing only Bright Eyes lyrics every 15 minutes. BET I’D BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW, HUH, BRAD?
–Bitchy ex-roommate is alternating sharing Thought Catalogue articles titled “14 THINGS EVERY STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN KNOWS NOT 2 PUT UP WITH FROM A MAN”, and posting whiny statuses like “WHY AREN’T THERE ANY DECENT SINGLE GUYS N E MORE 😡 ”
Posts that deserve a rousing Haha from you include:
-“New year, new me ❤ ”
-Someone hacked their SO’s facebook and posted something like “I AM A CHEATING PIECE OF SHIT AND I DON’T DESERVE A GODDESS LIKE TIFFANY, WHO IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND MAKES BETTER LASAGNA THAN MY BITCH MOM.”
Tiffany, you are my kween. Never change. Open up that can of crazy and spray it on the world like a fire hose during a wet t-shirt contest. Let us fuel the fire by clicking Haha. Please don’t have a stroke.
-Someone earnestly referred to their new Lemon Water And Crying diet as “not a diet, but a lifestyle change”.
Talk to me in 4 days when you’re trying to eat your desk.
I have yet to use the Wow button, because its consequences could be too dangerous even for a seasoned Facebook warrior like myself. But when I do, it will be on one of the following posts:
-“#MCM I LOVE U SO MUCH BABY, U R MY WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD, THE PAST 2 WEEKS THAT WE’VE BEEN 2GETHER HAVE BEEN SOoOoOo AMAZING, I CANT WAIT 2 B UR WIFE 😉 LOL JK! NOT REALLY KIDDING THO! I am insane. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!”
Sweetie, we get it. It’s Monday, and you still like your boyfriend.
-Justin P. is in a relationship with *the 4th woman since January*.
-Unironic check-in to a mundane location like the grocery store, tanning salon, your home, or your general practitioner’s office. OH MY GOD! YOU GO TO PUBLIX TOO?? Such groceries. Very lunchmeat. Wow.
(Sidebar: do these people not watch Lifetime movies? Publicly advertising your location at all times is THE #1 WAY TO GET STALKED AND MURDERED.)
-Treasured friend suggests that if Bernie doesn’t get the Democratic nomination, the next best choice would be Donald Trump (large swath of cow leather hung up to cure and hit by a cursed bolt of racist lightning). Unfortunately, there’s no “read a whole bunch of books, asshole” button, so Sad will have to do.
-“TRY THIS CRAZY WRAP THING!!! Y’ALL, I COVERED ALL MY FAT IN MENTHOLATED ALOE-JIZZ AND SQUOZE IT INTO SOME SARAN WRAP, AND IT JUST MOTHERFUCKIN’ MELTED OFF!!!!! NOW I’M MISCHA BARTON!!!!! IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Disclaimer: I am also following the ItWorks diet plan where I ingest a live tapeworm every 3 days and consume 1 almond per 6 weeks.)”
-#OOTD, every motherfucking D. You are wearing clothes! We are also wearing clothes. Next.
-Someone blatantly shades you and thinks you won’t notice. With the Angry button, let them know: “Bitch, I’s right here. SAY IT TO MY FACE; YOU WON’T.”
-(for the 14th time in one day) “HEY YOU #GUYS I POSTED ANOTHER #YOUTUBE #VIDEO ON MY #CHANNEL (#LOL)! CHECK OUT “THROWING 50 SHADES OF GREY” WHERE I TALK ABOUT ALL OF MY #HATERS WHILE I SWATCH #50 #GREY #NAILPOLISHES!!!!! #LOVE U GUYS SO MUCH!!! #LIKE #COMMENT #SUBSCRIBEORILLCUTYOU”
-You introduced two of your best friends to each other and now they’re hanging out without you! They just posted a super cute picture at your favorite wine bar with a precious caption like “whining and dining (wine emoji, flower emoji, girl twins emoji)”! Don’t show up at Wine World with a machete- just use your Angry button. HOPE YOU LADIES ARE HAVING FUN! REMEMBER ME?
With the above examples as your guide, you are now adequately equipped to tell your “friends” how you really feel about their colonoscopies, shitty boyfriends, egg white and asparagus omelettes, or misspelled Starbucks cups. Remember: subtlety is key! When in doubt, a simple Like never goes out of style.