This morning I saw a peculiar Kickstarter project making its rounds online: The RompHim™ (unofficial slogan: Because Anything Women Have, Men Should Also Have Or Else That’s Not Fair.)
Per their website: “Is it a romper designed for men? Sure. But it’s also pretty damn comfortable, and it may just be the start of a fashion revolution.”
While the RompHim may be just another addition to the list of hilarious and needlessly gendered products, like sunscreen, bath bombs, and ass wipes, it got me thinking: what if “romper” is just too generic of a term? How could anyone really wear a romper with a name that hasn’t been tailored to perfectly fit them??
And so, to complement the RompHim, I will be creating a full line of custom rompers, including but not limited to the following:
Romper for women with children: Momper
Romper for churchgoers: Psalmper
Romper for a Romantic-period German composer/pianist: Brahmper
TSA-disapproved romper: Bombper (with limited-edition clover-print Carbombper for St. Patrick’s Day!)
Romper for when you’re feeling slightly unsure, uneasy, or fearful: Qualmper
US Western-Pacific island territory romper: Guamper
Romper for guys who say “Oh, please, Thomas is my dad”: Tomper
Romper for guys who say “Oh, please, Thomas is my dad”, who also enjoy creeping around after dark and looking in other people’s windows: Peeping Tomper
Romper for a round, red fruit that tastes okay but is too much of a pain in the goddamn ass to spend $3 on because it’s at least 97% seeds: Pomper
Romper to wear on a first date when you know you lookin’ good as fuck: Aplombper
Super-old, super-racist South Carolinian Senator’s romper: Stromper
-Romper for someone who enjoys consensually tying up and spanking others: Domper (wear one to the sex dungeon!)
-Romper for the undead: Zombper
Some of you may think all these specifications are unnecessary, and maybe you’re right. But give me 6 months to get my trademarks in order, and then tell me you feel comfortable showing up in Hanoi without wearing a Capital of Vietnamper!
Skies out, thighs out, y’all. GET READY TO ROMP-LLLLLLLLE!