Something awful is happening, and for once, I’m not talking about fashion trends or Republicans.
Starbucks has released a brand new “limited time” amalgamation of sprinkle-infested cream, corn syrup, and shame. They are calling it… the Unicorn Frappuccino® Blended Crème.
My body is no temple– I once drank so much turquoise offbrand Four Loko that I peed blue for two days– but SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT THAT THING. Am I the odd man out here? Are other people excited by the idea of drinking 16 oz of frozen, teal-and-fuschia-dyed heavy cream?
Here’s the description, per the Starbucks website:
a. Oh my godddddddddddd, FUCK OFF!
b. This is so much. This is way too much. Flavor-changing AND color-changing??? Why do you want a drink to do either of those things? WHY DO YOU WANT IT TO DO BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY?
c. Of course the Unicorn Frappuccino is “made up.” Every frappuccino is made up! You fucking made up the word Frappuccino! Don’t act like you didn’t!
d. If you give me anything called “fairy powder” and it doesn’t make me trip BALLS, I will ask for my money back. That’s fucking Fun Dip and we all know it.
This fucking disaster is the drink equivalent of shooting a pack of Sweet-Tarts with the Guy Fieri *~FLAAAAVORTASTIC FLAVORIZATIONIZER GAMMA RAY!!!!!~*
Sweet-Tarts don’t need that. Sweet-Tarts deserve better.
If you really want to go with a unicorn theme for a drink (why not?? the void constantly beckons), why not do a nice white/pale pink drink with some iridescent shimmer sprinkles or some shit? This lil cup of horrors doesn’t look like a unicorn; it looks like a gender reveal party in the backwoods of Northeast Florida.
There is one piece of good news regarding the Unicorn Frappuccino:
During those few days, folks, do not drink the Unicorn Frappuccino® Blended Crème. If you want a milkshake, get a milkshake! If you want your milkshake to be a “color-changing spectacle,” consider investing in some “fairy dust” that doesn’t come from Starbucks.