This morning at the office, I heard a generally-inoffensive man ask one of my female coworkers, “Hey ________! Why aren’t you smiling? You look like someone just kicked your dog!”
UH OH! IT’S THE FACE POLICE! AND BEFORE I’VE EVEN HAD MY COFFEE!
This got me to thinking about the most likely reasons why I, a woman, may not be smiling at every moment of every day.
-Maybe someone DID kick my dog! My neighborhood is just okay!!
-Speaking of dogs, mine ate a particularly potent feral cat shit a few weeks ago and poo’d all over her crate while I was at work and sat in it all day and I had to clean it up AND clean HER up and the vet bill was $200
-And my boyfriend was out of town so I had to do all of that by myself
-Feeling ~chunky~ because I woke up too late for the gym this morning and our society screams at me every second of every day that I am Taking Up Too Much Space
-Whoever restocks the office vending machine replaced the salt & lime plantain chips with the Ann Coulter of snack foods, GARDEN SALSA SUN CHIPS
-You ever take an overnight laxative and it’s 10:30am and there’s been no “progress” so you’re like “During what hour of this day will I shit myself in front of a respected colleague”? Haha, nah, me neither! This wasn’t a real example! Ha ha!
-I sent out a meeting invitation and someone responded “please check my calendar to see my availability” but I DID check their calendar, and they were free, and literally as I am reading the email, they are still showing as free during the selected time
-What if my house smells like dog and everyone is too polite to say anything??
-The void which constantly beckons
-Still no text back from Chris Evans
If you, as a man, want women to smile, consider acting in a way that makes women happy. Under no circumstance does this include randomly approaching them to criticize their chosen arrangement of their facial muscles! To be on the safe side, simply deliver sealed alcoholic beverages and back away slowly. And while you’re at it, why don’t you give us a smile??