Carly’s Into Bach: Fantasy Suites / IT’S WINDMILL TIME!!!!!

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where It’s! About! To Go! Down! And by it, I mean hopefully all of Hannah’s suitors except Luke! Heyooooooo!

We’re in Crete, Greece— an absolutely stunning setting for the explosion of fragile masculinity that’s about to take place! Are y’all ready?! You might not be ready.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Naked Bungee Jumping and Double Standards

Welcome back to Week 6 of Carly’s Into Bach, which is really Week 7 because Week 5 had two separate parts, so we’re only on the 6th rose ceremony, and this whole thing is really becoming far too complicated for a weekly blog feature!!

Hannah and the men are in Riga, Latvia, which Hannah—god bless her— must be contractually obligated to mention every 30 seconds. “Here we are in LAWT-VEE-UH!” Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 7: I Colora-do

Goooooood morning, friends, and welcome to our last episode before hometowns! This week’s episode begins with Colton’s vlog again, which I couldn’t possibly hate any more than I already do. He’s feeling frustrated after all three women last week left him with mysterious messages regarding “people in the house who aren’t ready.” He clearly thought it was Demi (and it was) but when Demi ALSO gave the same warning, he seemed very confused. And who better to counsel him than Ben Higgins, who INARGUABLY picked the wrong girl and has already broken his engagement! Just kidding, Ben, I love you, please DM me.

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Carly’s Into Bach: 3-HOUR LIVE FINALE!

Hello, and welcome to my own personal hell of my own making a LIVE, THREE-HOUR-LONG episode of The Bachelorette. The only sign that any mercy remains in this world is that after this live, three-hour-long episode of The Bachelorette, this beige-ass snorefest will f i n a l l y be over. To the NSA: if you’re reading this and you ever need to torture me– please– please choose any method other than a live, three-hour-long episode of The Bachelorette.

Okay! Here we go! We’re in the Maldives!!

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 7

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach and, for the first time, to the Bahamas, where—if this week’s preview is true—we may finally find an answer to the eternal question: “Who let the dogs out?”

Becca’s beginning-of-episode montages have been painfully awkward from the get-go, and this week is no different. Chris Harrison clearly needs her to Show More Feelings, so he plops her down on a couch and asks her about her progress with the men so far. Becca, dead eyes caked in surprisingly-crusty mascara (I SEE U, STYLIST), replies: “It is working so much more than I ever expected at this point.” She is wearing a black crop top and what looks to be a pair of dress slacks badly converted to a skirt? Beige… with black pinstripes, but……. like a beach coverup.

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 6!

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach and, for the first time, to Richmond VA: a lovely place to film a show, although there are many other places too!

We open with a montage of Becca drifting around her Richmond digs. Clearly, the producers were looking for a More Serious Becca this week, as she is gasp NOT WEARING ANY SEQUINS! I almost miss the comfort of the sequins when she removes her hot pink trench coat to reveal the most tragic black-and-white floral top I’ve ever seen. Every week, the stylist’s rage burns hotter.

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 5

Welcome back to yet another week in hell paradise! As some of you may have noticed, there was no Week 4 recap, as I had a 24-hour bug and then a 4-day vacation immediately after last week’s episode. sorry.gif

The only really important event last week was the SPECTACULAR flame-out of Jean Blanc, which I feel obligated to address. The colognesseur (not even gonna try on the spelling) gave Becca a personalized perfume with both of their names on it and told her he was falling in love with her. As Jean Blanc was mid-pack at best in his relationship with Becca, him being the first one to say it clearly threw her off. When she expresses this, he launches the biggest backpedal in history, which basically ends in him saying that he only said it because he thought it’s what she wanted to hear, and also, he gave her a present, didn’t she like it???

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Needless to say, Becca was pissed, and he was dispatched with a quickness. Bummer! I truly didn’t see that coming! Now, onto Week 5, in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 3

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! Let’s, in Becca’s favorite words that already make me want to eat a chunk of drywall, “do the damn thing.”

The cameras pan in on a nice morning in the Dude Mansion. David is making what appear to be BOMB-ass omelettes for everyone, and Jordan is snarking that making breakfast is boring. Wrong call, my dude. EVERYONE likes the guy who makes breakfast! Fuck, even Garrett, Parkland Truther could win me over with a nice plate of waffles!! (Just kidding. I’m not a demon.) Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 2

Welcome back to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, where we recap the latest Bachelorette episode which we probably watched through our fingers while cringing. Let’s jump right into Week 2!

The episode begins with a montage of many white dudes whom I could not tell apart if my life depended on it, interspersed with footage of Becca riding a bike near the beach. Ocean metaphors abound: something like “I just have to go with the flow”, “ride the wave”, etc. So creative, y’all! The preview for the evening features Haunted Ken Doll Jordan looking even more aggressively tanned and Botoxed than Week 1, and Simple Garrett— bigot, Parkland truther, and probable season winner— looking wide-eyed and Just Happy To Be Here. Read More

Carly’s Into Bach: Week 1

Hello and welcome to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, in which we recap America’s Guiltiest Pleasure (besides racism)! Let’s dive right in and, as Becca will say at least 400 more times in the next 2 hours, “do the damn thing.”

The premiere begins by replaying the Becca/Arie Airbnb Ambush, which is just as horrible as the first time and makes me want to barf. Chris Harrison should be ASHAMED for orchestrating this trainwreck. (Ed. note: Obviously I know that Chris Harrison is physically unable to feel anything remotely resembling shame.)

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Present-day Becca says, “Everything I envisioned for the future was changed.” We’ve all been there, gurl! Life’s a bitch and then you find a new man who hopefully sucks less, as they say!

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