Carly's Into That

A Better Driver’s Ed

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Carly's Into That

It was the summer after I’d turned 16 and I still didn’t have my driver’s license. This was mainly due to the fact that my parents are the only two people who have ever read the Florida “Jesus Christ, Your Kid Is About To Start Driving” Manual, which recommends that each teen complete 50 hours of supervised driving before becoming licensed.

RECOMMENDS. The manual actually uses the word “recommends”, as in, “our chef recommends the 2007 New Zealand Pinot Gris as a pairing for the salmon” or “ma’am, we recommend that you put your pants back on or you’ll need to come down to the station”. In no place does it say that a parent will need to provide a signature or even a verbal statement that they’ve followed the recommendation- “I solemnly swear on my life that I have allowed Asjhlaiie to chauffeur me around in my Chevy Malibu for 50 hours”- but all of my well-planned arguments about recommendations versus requirements fell on deaf ears.

That’s how I ended up in a week-long Driver’s Ed course at my high school, taught by the girls’ basketball coach, who went by Coach (of course). We spent our days driving Coach in lazy circles around the parking lot; driving Coach and 3 of our peers in lazy circles around the slower parts of town; and, when it was too hot (in Florida, this is every day except select occurrences of January 11th), watching Coach’s bootlegged version of “Anaconda: Hunt For The Blood Orchid” in a musty portable classroom.

Millenial Christmas Carols

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Carly's Into That

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, y’all!

If you work in an office, you’ve probably had the pleasure of listening to eight different Christmas Pandora stations blaring in the cube farm for almost three weeks now. Maybe my left eye will stop twitching sometime soon, but for now, I’ve had plenty of time to ponder Christmas song lyrics. For example:

What in the everloving fuck is a hop-along boot? Why are we giving guns to the children? (HA! Just kidding- this is America!) Janice and Jen, listen gurls, that doll sounds creepy as fuck. You will wake up with that doll standing over you being all, “blooooooood”.

The world needs Christmas songs that its younger generations can identify with. Songs for coming home for Christmas break and knowing that some weird guy from middle school is going to try to buy you a jagerbomb at that bar you went to every night in college with your fake ID. Thus, I bring you: Millenial Christmas Carols.

Siiiilent night / hooooly shit / everyone I graduated highschool with / is in this goddamn bar right now

You better watch out / you better not cry / someone at Christmas dinner who you love and may have previously respected is voting for Trump

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart / and the very next day / I was all, Jesus Christ, I’m never drinking champagne again / Sarah, who the fuck was that guy I cried at?? My head hurts

Your drunk uncle is dreaming of a White Christmas / just like the ones we used to have before the goddamn Muslims invaded America and The Jews started stealin’ all our goddamn money and don’t even get me started about Black-on-Black crime!

Have a holly jolly Christmas! / it’s the best time of the year / I don’t know if there’ll be snow / but looking at the projected global climate, snow may be a thing of the past. I mean, fuck, it’s 86 degrees outside…

Hark, hear the bells / Sweet silver bells / All seem to say / “Put the fucking phone down, you drunk mess, he does NOT deserve to hear from you on Christmas Eve.”

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing… a ring / I don’t mean on the phone / For God’s sake, Matthew, we’ve been dating for 5 fucking years, IT’S TIME TO SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!!!

Frosty the snowman / was a jolly happy soul / free from the soul-crushing guilt about what happened at the office Christmas party after 14 solo cups of “Jingle Juice”

I don’t want a lot for Christmas / there is just one thing I need / I don’t care about the presents / underneath the Christmas tree / so like, a Target giftcard would be fine. Really, Aunt Beth. Promise.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas / Let your heart be light / And for God’s sake, Jessica, do something about that hair. No wonder Matthew hasn’t proposed yet!

Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)/
It’s Sallie Mae, calling for the 47th time this week. Merry Christmas. Pay your fucking student loans.

Clickbait Against Humanity

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Carly's Into That

Y’all, I love the internet. I love the internet more than most people love the internet. I love the internet more than I love most people (sorry, Mom!)

It’s a place where one can find answers to those embarrassing questions that would prompt a side-eye from even the best of friends (“what is Argentina”; “is butter a carb”; “ass rash 4 days after using PortaPotty”). A place where one can spend literal hours trolling through online dating profiles in hopes of finding even one potential suitor who has an acceptable beard, believes that no always means no, AND knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”. A place where one can decorate one’s entire home/office/backyard/underground sex dungeon using only the power of Mason jars.

But in the last few years, something evil has polluted the sanctuary that I hold so dear.

“Why Won’t You Talk???”: A Comprehensive Guide to Online Dating

Posted on September 8, 2015 by Carly's Into That

When I graduated college, I was exasperated that 4,700 nights of greying out at the Palace hadn’t netted me a kind, handsome, brilliant husband with 2 corgis, a house in the Hamptons, and extensive knowledge of the alphabet trick. (3 years later, I am still not sure quite why this didn’t work? But I digress.) Out of this resentment, my OkCupid profile was born, and it has lived mostly-off-but-occasionally-on since.

Somehow, in the sea of “hi”, “i luv redheads ;)”, and “i fuk u plz?”, I met my truly wonderful boyfriend last November (awww). I learned from Cosmo that men only want what other men want, and to keep a man, he needs to know how lucky he is that you chose him over the literal thousands of other suitors at your online doorstep.

So for the first few months that we were dating, I left my profile up and showed him my favorite incoming missives. I think it was eye opening, as a man, to see what a woman’s online dating inbox really looks like. He was, to put it gently, taken aback. We’ve all seen sites like TinderNightmares, but at this point, it’s evident that most of those messages are carefully planned to get a reaction, reused so many times that they’ve lost all meaning, or just incredibly fucking fake:

Thank you for taking 15 seconds to copy that from PeacocksGetLadiez.com and paste it into my inbox. A true pleasure for all involved parties.

Therefore, I reactivated my profile last week to get some strange… I mean… screencaps! To get some screencaps!… to use in this post. All of the following are taken directly from my inbox- 100% real, manipulated only to cross out the identities of the accused (most of whom don’t deserve it).

“Fuck Your Meeting”: The Official Carly’s Into That Guide To Office Etiquette

Posted on August 5, 2015 by Carly's Into That

As jobs go, I can’t complain. I am inside and seated; I am secure in my employment; my interactions with feces are limited. I don’t make a lot, but I can pay rent, buy wine, and purchase ~700 new toys a week for my dog, who is precious yet destructive (just like her mom!). I am grateful.

That said, working in an office comes with a particular set of unspoken rules. Aside from the obvious (“on your first day, find the biggest guy in there and punch him right in the mouth”), I’ve compiled a quick list to help us all make it through the 5 worst days of the week. Read More

SkinnyMint Teatox

Posted on July 2, 2015 by Carly's Into That

Hey, you there! Yes, you- sitting at your computer wearing sweatpants, Cheeto dust, and a blank stare.

Is your body the shape, color, and consistency of a forgotten cantaloupe?
Do you long for the days when your body will no longer be cantaloupe-shaped, but instead: toned, tanned, sexually irresistible, and outfitted in the most impeccable designer gymwear?
Do you want to achieve these results with little to no change in your diet/exercise/4-day-Netflix binge habits?
Do you lack even the most basic logic and reasoning skills necessary to make an intelligent consumer decision?
I put $1000 in one of Kate Upton’s old bras and glued it to your ceiling. Did you look?

If you answered yes: DO WE HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU!!! Read More

Spin Class

Posted on June 5, 2015 by Carly's Into That

When I moved here 6 months ago, I was more nervous about finding a new gym than about finding an apartment, a Publix, a bathroom, or anyone who will tolerate my company for more than 6 hours. I’ve been sweating in front of the same good-natured 40- and 50-somethings for 5 years now! They haven’t even noticed that I have 4 pairs of the exact same workout pants so it probably looks like I’m wearing the same pants every day even though I’m not! God bless you, Gold’s Gym. You the real MVP.

So I did what any sane 25-year-old in mediocre shape would do, and bought an employee membership at my new university, where 95% of the workout populace is 18-22 years old, 7% bodyfat, and 100% INSANELY HOT. Motivation? Temporary lapse in sanity? I don’t know, but I’m still here, despite the fact that the leg press is constantly mistaken for a “texting bench” and everyone is tripping balls from too much preworkout.

The plus side to university gyms: a veritable treasure trove of group exercise classes. A very fit person yelling at me to do things I don’t want to do is basically the most exciting thing my inner masochist could possibly imagine. I am terrible at most things, but I could probably pick up a Mack truck if Ronda Rousey screamed at me hard enough (call me??).

These are the events that led to me signing up for my first spin class in 3 years. I now give you:

The Official Carly’s Into That 10 Stages Of Spin Read More

A Better Shade Of You

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Carly's Into That

I listen to Pandora a lot- in the car, at my desk, in the shower, at the gym. Despite the fact that it’s essentially my sole music source, I refuse to pay $4 a month for a service that will not allow me to permanently opt out of any and all songs that are sung, collaborated on, or in any way touched by Ellie Goulding. She could sing a heartwarming rendition of our country’s national anthem and I would still throw up. Give me a “No More Of This Bitch” button and I’d pay $8 a month. YOUR MOVE, PANDORA.

Ahem.

Because I am cheap and somehow under the illusion that I am sticking it to Pandora by continuing to use the free version of their service rather than the paid one, I hear approximately 2 ads per 4 songs. I am confident that by 2016, Pandora will be solely an ad-streaming software, with paid members receiving up to 4 songs per hour. The ads are targeted based on your age, gender and music taste. Pandora has (correctly) pegged me as a basic-ass bitch, because the only 3 stations I listen to anymore are Third Eye Blind, Beyoncé, and Rihanna’s “Birthday Cake”. Over the last month, I’ve been hearing the same ad for Palm Beach Tan roughly 4x per day.

“Saving Money on Hair and Makeup”

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Carly's Into That

There’s a Buzzfeed article floating around called “What’s Your Best Tip For Saving Money On Hair And Makeup?” As someone who’s highly susceptible to beauty-related clickbait and who makes approximately $14 per year, I chomped. The “advice” that followed (quotation marks are essential as you will soon realize) can be broken down as follows: Read More

What’s Your Price?

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Carly's Into That

Gentlemen, have you been unlucky in love? Still single after many failed attempts at dating? Can’t figure out how to hide your shitty personality long enough to successfully interact with even one human female? Do you think that women are vapid, gold-digging bitches who get off on “putting you in the friendzone”, even when you have CLEARLY demonstrated that you are willing to be in a relationship with them? Never fear, Prince Charming! Now there’s a website just for guys like you: WhatsYourPrice.com. Read More