In these difficult times, where people you love and respect may have helped put a rotting lump of fascist orange Play-Doh in the White House, there are only a few things we can all still agree on:

1. It’s time to stop talking about man buns.
2. Okra is the worst vegetable.
3. Whoever invented Daylight Saving Time is a fucking demon.

Has your internal clock adjusted to the last time we randomly fucked up the time for no reason? Great! We’re going to do it again, but in the opposite direction. Adjusting to Daylight Saving Time is like being in a wave pool where the waves can come from any direction, at any time, and also the pool is covered in a thick layer of flaming oil.

You know what I love? When it gets dark at 5:13pm, so I have to commute in the inky blackness of night like I’m a fucking Ice Road Trucker. You know what I love even more? Trying and failing to pry my corpse-like body out of bed at what feels like 5:30am (a time of day that should be illegal) when it is– you guessed it!– still completely pitch black outside. How is there no middle ground? Why is the time ALWAYS WRONG? WHY IS IT ALWAYS DARK?

Maybe I should get more sleep! Or maybe: the Powers That Be should stop fucking with the goddamn time. I can’t just wake up on a Tuesday and say “Hey, today’s Friday now.” So why is some dude (I just *know* it was a dude) allowed to be all, “Now the time is different in a way that will make you feel like death, for no reason”? I bet Daylight Saving Time was invented by Ted Cruz. Fuck off, Ted.

Somehow, Arizona escaped the evil bullshittery that is Daylight Saving Time. I’m assuming the conversation went something like this:

Time Fuckers: “Hey, do this daylight saving thing. The rest of the states are doing it.”
Arizona: “I mean… no, fuck that, it sounds horrible.”

Don’t go live there or anything, God no. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sound at least 2% doable in March and November.

Do you like jetlag? Then you’ll looooooove Daylight Saving Time! Skip the hassle of seeing new places, meeting new people, or stepping foot outside the monotony of your daily life for even a second– and go right to waking up feeling like you got hit by a truck!

In lieu of Daylight Saving Time, I propose that Big Time Change do the following:
-leave the fucking time alone
-stop fucking up the time
-simply allow the world to continue existing without changing the time every 6 months, like that would ever be something that is necessary
-bring me coffee and a puppy, or I’m going back to sleep