Hello and welcome to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, in which we recap America’s Guiltiest Pleasure (besides racism)! Let’s dive right in and, as Becca will say at least 400 more times in the next 2 hours, “do the damn thing.”

The premiere begins by replaying the Becca/Arie Airbnb Ambush, which is just as horrible as the first time and makes me want to barf. Chris Harrison should be ASHAMED for orchestrating this trainwreck. (Ed. note: Obviously I know that Chris Harrison is physically unable to feel anything remotely resembling shame.)

Present-day Becca says, “Everything I envisioned for the future was changed.” We’ve all been there, gurl! Life’s a bitch and then you find a new man who hopefully sucks less, as they say!

Becca then meets with a ~girl squad~ consisting of JoJo (yas), Rachel (YAAAAAAAS), and presumably another previous Bachelorette—blonde with an expensive face— who hails from before my time with the show. Rachel (still a literal goddess despite the fact that she chose to be engaged to a live-action Quagmire with discount cheek implants) sages the house, Becca’s ring finger, and Becca’s—as Corinne would call it—“vagine”. I adore this. ALL REMNANTS OF THAT SWEATY OLD SHITHEEL MUST BE CLEANSED FROM YOUR AURA, BECS. BRING ON THE MUSCLES AND REAL JOBS.

As seasoned Bach professionals know, there isn’t enough time for all of the 1,142 men to get a bio, and getting a bio is usually a promising start—but not always! This season’s featured bios were: Clay, Garrett, Jordan, Lincoln, Joe, Jean-Blanc, and Colton, who has an adorable senior dog and thus I am invoking martial law which requires that he wins. The season is now over.

(In my notes, I titled the following section “FIRST LIMP!”, which is not 100% off-base.)

FIRST LIMO!

First out, Colton: Did not bring his dog (A HUGE MISTAKE.) He does some type of firework popper thing with Becca, he is handsome and doesn’t talk too much, which, who can complain!

Grant: This dude talked so fast that I felt like I was at an auction. Please slow down, Grant, some of us are frantically typing the nuances of your every interaction into our Notes app!

Clay: MORE LIKE BAE, AMIRITE? Clay is a certified 10 and made some great dad jokes about football. Total husb material.

Jean-Blanc: Intro was cute; seems like a sweetheart. Jean-Blanc also has a cologne collection and, in his bio, said “Becca needs a man who smells good.” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT, SIR. I would bet my car that Arie’s idea of cologne was the black and gold Axe body spray. Becca, do not sleep on Jean-Blanc, unless you prefer interpret the phrase literally.

Connor: Looks EXACTLY like an off-season Jordan Rogers (but when isn’t offseason for Jordan Rogers? HEYOOO! It’s a football joke! We’ve got it all here on Carly’s Into Bach!) He gets down on one knee and says some corny-ass version of her catchphrase that I already hated, and now I hate it even more.

SECOND LIMO!

Joe: A Chicagoan grocer who “forgot everything he wanted to say” as soon as he saw Becca. I am charmed.

John: I was so bored by John that the only note I have says “his grandparents’ yards.” Sorry bud.

Leo: Looks like an extra in the Dothraki army and I’m here for it. Later at the rose ceremony, Leo will go on to describe the rest of the contestants as “a sea of highway patrol officers” and I will almost piss myself laughing. Couldn’t be further from Becca’s type, but I love him and wish him a long tenure here on Sea Of Highway Patrol Officers, Season 23.

Jordan: Haunted Ken Doll. Please, make it stop talking. I’ll do anything.

Rickey: Total cutie, fashionable, and definitely into Becca. Yes please!

(Here, I ate dinner and missed at least two intros. Sorry if this offends. We at Carly’s Into Bach are not professionals, and have been drinking since 4pm.)

Nick: A lawyer from Orlando, representing 100% of what I have seen of the Orlando dating scene, and 110% of why if I ever become single, I am hot-fucking-footing it out of here before my tears dry.

Mike: Apparently Mike is a Sports Person, whom my boyfriend was excited to see in the lineup because “[I] follow him on Twitter!” The proud owner of a man bun, Mike seems to be a bit of a pot stirrer. Probable pass on Mike for me.

Garrett: Came in in…… a minivan… and showed Becca all the room that the minivan has for……… kids….. in the backseats. I am DEEPLY upset but Becca seems to be VERY into a man who she’s known for 15 seconds implying that he’s going to impregnate her with a minivan worth of kids. But, I’m also not here to kinkshame!

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Garrett is a dead ringer for Stan from American Dad. Bet you can’t unsee it!!

Blake: Came in on……… checks notes…… an ox, and said squinting even more at notes “My feelings for you are as strong as an ox.” OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. This is literally on a child’s school valentine box set ft. cartoons of Paul Bunyan and Babe. Becca says, with an impressive amount of conjured enthusiasm, “This is so great.” Reader, it was not.

Darius: Unfortunately, not much time was spent on Darius, so he is probably not long for this world.

Ryan: See above.

Christon: A former Harlem Globetrotter and professional dunker, Christon asks Becca to hold a basketball up and dunks on her in the meeting area. I love him. NEVER be afraid to dunk on your significant other, either physically or emotionally! Yes, I am a great girlfriend, why do you ask.

Christon is super handsome. Dunk on me, daddy.

Wills: Adorable “closet nerd” who Becca seems pretty into. I ship it! Wills is a sleeper pick for me.

Jason: Grown man with a passion for “Disney tunes” who tries to do a complicated handshake as his intro. Put me in the ground.

Kamil: Never in all my time watching this franchise have I been so profoundly angered by a contestant’s introduction as I was by Kamil’s. He walks almost halfway to Becca and says [this is probably not an exact transcript because my head was exploding with rage]: “I think relationships should be a partnership. Like, 60/40. So can you walk toward me please?”

Becca is like:

Becca: “Haha, um, like you 60 and me 40?”
Kamil: “No….”

Kamil is the man who accuses you of being a golddigger if you don’t physically fight him to split the check on a first date. Kamil is a Drake in the streets, but a DJ Khaled in the sheets. Kamil, how about this: YOU CAN 60/40 SUCK MY ASS. You are an asshole and you’ve demonstrated that impressively early in the season. Get out.

Jake: Knows Becca from home, (as we find out during cocktail hour) had many opportunities at home to make a move on her, and never did. Spoiler alert: he is dispatched WITH A QUICKNESS before the rose ceremony even begins. Becca is not fucking around.

(Good god, how are there more dudes???? This is so long. I’m so sorry.)

Trent: exits a hearse and says, “I literally died when I found out you were the bachelorette.” Trent……. can u not? Thanks.

David, aka ChickenMan: Enters in, you guessed it, a fucking chicken suit. During the cocktail party he is fine and nice, but the number of times he crowed “BEC-CAW!!!” in the driveway has put me off David forever. Sorry dude, but what the fuck.

Chris: Yet another Orlandoan whose entire personality makes me want to claw out mine own eyes. Within 30 mins of the cocktail party, Chris is racing towards being the Chad of this season. He approaches Becca to let her know that Chase (whose entrance I must have missed while I was eating dinner) is ding ding ding here for the wrong reasons!!! The wrong reasons being, to “get clout for his advertising firm.” I collectively fucking hate the Orland-bros and everything they represent.

Btw, our first “here for the wrong reasons” occurred at 9:18 Viewer Time. This season is going to be a mess.

Cocktail Party Key Points

-When Becca pulls Jake (hometown dude) aside to unceremoniously boot him, she asks him why he never spoke to her at the Christmas party where they met. Jake replies, “Well, I’ve had a very transformative year.” I love this. I’m putting this on a sandwich board to wear to my 10-year high school reunion, where everyone else will be thin and have great jobs and be toting billionaire husbands. I’VE HAD A VERY TRANSFORMATIVE YEAR, OKAY, JESSICA???

-Jordan (Haunted Ken Doll) has clearly taken an amount of Adderall that could fell a horse. U gonna share?

-Wills has an Expecto Patronus tattoo and explains that it means “I wait for a partner” (or something? Again—rosé). Becca is literally swooning. Yes girl.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

The First Impression Rose goes to… Minivan Man Garrett. WHEW! Becca is really tryna have a whole Dodge Caravan of babies, like, tomorrow. Okay gurl! Live your truth!

Aside from Hometown Jake, tonight’s casualties were: “Here For The Wrong Reasons” Chase [I cannot believe that tactic worked—Chris must be jizzing in his pants]; Christian; Darius; Grant; Joe [CALL ME YOU PRECIOUS ANGEL]; and……….. KAMIL! So weird how demanding that a woman put more effort into the relationship than you do, AS YOU ARE MEETING HER, didn’t work out for you! 60/40 CALL YASELF A CAB, YA DICK!

This concludes the maiden voyage of Carly’s Into Bach. Perhaps by next week I will learn to trim this shit down to fewer words than your average Masters thesis.

60/40 Deez Nuts,

Carly