Carly’s Into Bach: Week 2

Welcome back to our newest feature, Carly’s Into Bach, where we recap the latest Bachelorette episode which we probably watched through our fingers while cringing. Let’s jump right into Week 2!

The episode begins with a montage of many white dudes whom I could not tell apart if my life depended on it, interspersed with footage of Becca riding a bike near the beach. Ocean metaphors abound: something like “I just have to go with the flow”, “ride the wave”, etc. So creative, y’all! The preview for the evening features Haunted Ken Doll Jordan looking even more aggressively tanned and Botoxed than Week 1, and Simple Garrett— bigot, Parkland truther, and probable season winner— looking wide-eyed and Just Happy To Be Here.

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FIRST GROUP DATE

Attendees: Clay Bae, Orlando Lawyer Nick, Orlando Snitch-Ass Chris R., Chicken Costume David, Colognesseur Jean Blanc, Haunted Ken Doll Jordan, Soon-To-Become-Aggressive Little Shit Connor, and Lincoln, whom I want to read me a bedtime story in his beautiful accent every day of my life.

Echoing Becca’s first date with Ol’ Pillow Lips, the boys are dressed up and pampered with tuxedos and champagne. Jordan takes the opportunity to model his outfit and Becca asks him, “Wait, are you a model?” NEG HIM, GIRL, YAAAAAAAS. This prompts David, a man whose job is listed as “Venture Capitalist/Chicken,” to inform us all via confessional booth that he thinks Becca “wants a man with more substance.” We shall all look back later in the season, and identify this as the beginning of the Chicken/Ken Doll Conflict.

Rachel and her fiancée, Miami “chiropractor” Bryan, meet Becca and her boos at an obstacle course. The obstacles are relationship-themed and also eyerollingly uncreative: “ball and chain”, “cold feet”, “slippery slope”, “get over your exes”, and lastly, “cake tasting” with no hands. Regarding the last challenge, Rachel shouts “WHAT THAT MOUTH DO?”, finally giving us all our first clue as to why she is still engaged to Bryan. Lincoln slays this challenge, much to the dismay of Pouty Beige Boys Chris and Connor, who talk mad shit.

At cocktail hour, Becca presents Lincoln with a nice momentum from his date win: a framed photo of them at the “altar”. When he returns to the posse, he places it on the table, joking about “here’s me and my future wife,” etc. etc. It is CLEARLY all in good fun, except to Connor, who throws A) a tantrum I’d expect from a kindergartner and B) THE PICTURE AND FRAME OUT THE WINDOW AND INTO THE POOL! Previously, I had Garrett as #1 seed for “first to hurl a quickly-bleeped racial slur,” for obvious reasons, but tonight is illuminating.

Later, Lincoln cries about the photo and some of the boys are very kind to him. Jason suggests that he “stop crying about a photo”, which is extremely rich coming from an adult man with a self-described “passion for belting out Disney tunes.”

Anyway, none of this matters, because Jean Blanc comes from behind (heh) after a very sweet convo with Becca and gets the date rose. He is a nice man and I am happy for him.

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FIRST ONE ON ONE

Becca’s selects Bland Blake, who came in on an ox during Intro Week. Their activity is smashing an entire room of shit that ties Becca to Arie, including a replica of his dumbass racing car, several TVs playing their proposal on a loop, and THE ACTUAL COUCH on which he dumped her during the Airbnb Ambush. Also, Lil Jon is there, performing a live remix of “Turn Down For What”. Am I having a stroke?

Anyway, this is the best date and I am immediately pissed that my boyfriend has never organized this for me. Becca emerges glowing like she just left a spa day. Good for you, boo.

Their dinner date is extremely boring, with Blake “opening up” via a blow-by-blow of how his last girlfriend (of 2 months) broke up with him. “It was a Tuesday morning, she was in the bathroom and I was in her room, I saw a text message come in…”

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She gives him the rose—it’s fine, he’s nice, whatever.

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SECOND GROUP DATE

This outing is described as “Love comes at you hard and fast”, and unfortunately was neither an orgy nor naked Jello wrestling. Attendees: Parkland Truther Garrett; Ricky; John; Ryan (I don’t know who this is); Alex; Christon; Trent (I don’t know who this is); Dothraki Soldier Leo; Adorkable Wills; and Pretend Football Virgin Colton.

The activity is….dodgeball! My future husband Leo slays, with NO help from his teammates on the Pink team. Christon, who dunked on Becca on Intro Night, absolutely nails her in the torso with a dodgeball. On the court, there is NO special treatment for the woman whomst you’re trying to marry! Equality! I’m here for it!

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DODGEBALL AFTERPARTY

Becca shows up wearing—you guessed it—more sequins! One of the men identifies her sequined dress as “classy”. Bless your heart, Alex from Georgia who I am possibly just now seeing for the first time.

-Garrett, Parkland truther, charms Becca by the pool. “I like to make light of things!” You mean things like the murder of teenagers at their schools? Ha ha!
-Wills gets the date rose. He’s a lil nervous which is very cute!! I heartily approve.
-Colton tells Becca that he “spent a weekend” with Tia from her season (*me, whispering* THEY DID THE SEX.)

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Becca is pretty upset! I don’t understand! You can’t police a dick that ain’t belong to you, girl! If Colton and Tia wanted to “spend a weekend” together as consenting adults, before he knew you, that is their collective prerogative. Please chill.

The above convo prompted me to suggest this fun new Bachelorette drinking game:

  1. Take a sip whenever someone on the show says “I’m not gonna lie.”
  2. Go to the hospital.

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ELIMINATION COCKTAIL PARTY

Becca is wearing……… y’know what, how about I just alert you if, at some point in the future, Becca is not wearing anything that is metallic or has sequins.

-Clay Bae teaches Becca a cute “football celebration” dance that ends with a nice, if slightly forced and awkward, smoocheroo.
-Connor, in an attempt to apologize while also not apologizing for being a jealous fucking toddler toward Lincoln, brings Becca a photo of himself from the obstacle course date and says something like, “This dude sucks! I don’t want to be this dude anymore; let’s get rid of him.” He then—you guessed it—throws the picture of himself into the pool.

Connor, my dude: STOP THROWING GLASS INTO THE FUCKING POOL!

-During Chicken/Venture Capitalist David’s time with Becca, Haunted Ken Doll saunters in wearing only his briefs and dress shoes. After some casual gyrating that makes David positively IRATE, he announces to the camera, “There’s gonna be a target on my back now!!” Is it showing the other dudes where to aim, or…?

Another passive-aggressive catfight breaks out between the two of them. David is being so pedantic and annoying that I am almost forced to side with Haunted Ken Doll. Please, David… please don’t make me side with Haunted Ken Doll! It’s not that serious!!

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ROSE CEREMONY

The first rose goes to Perez Hilton Clone Chris R.—  gag me with a rose stem. I greatly enjoy watching Ken Doll sweat it out— still only wearing a blanket and his underwear!!— when Chicken David gets a rose before him. The last rose obviously goes to Colton, whom Becca has decided to forgive for… having consensual sex with her TV Friend, before they ever met or knew each other existed. Okay!

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FAREWELL, SWEET PRINCES

Tonight we say goodbye to Construction Manager Alex, Fashionable Rickey, and the alleged romance book cover model whose name I never bothered to learn— Taylor? Tyler?? (Ed. note: Trent.)

Tune in next Tuesday for Week 3, for which we’ve been teased a Sports Date, more Chicken/Naked Douchebag cattiness, and an ambulance. I bet $50 that someone stepped on ALL THE GLASS CONNOR’S BEEN THROWING INTO THE POOL.

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