Welcome back to yet another week in hell paradise! As some of you may have noticed, there was no Week 4 recap, as I had a 24-hour bug and then a 4-day vacation immediately after last week’s episode. 

The only really important event last week was the SPECTACULAR flame-out of Jean Blanc, which I feel obligated to address. The colognesseur (not even gonna try on the spelling) gave Becca a personalized perfume with both of their names on it and told her he was falling in love with her. As Jean Blanc was mid-pack at best in his relationship with Becca, him being the first one to say it clearly threw her off. When she expresses this, he launches the biggest backpedal in history, which basically ends in him saying that he only said it because he thought it’s what she wanted to hear, and also, he gave her a present, didn’t she like it???

Needless to say, Becca was pissed, and he was dispatched with a quickness. Bummer! I truly didn’t see that coming! Now, onto Week 5, in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.

ONE ON ONE

Becca’s onesie this week is with Colton, and they are riding camels. She’s wearing a sequined jacket that looks like it came from the Charlotte Russe bargain bin. I didn’t know before today that camels make HORRIBLE noises, but dey still cute. Colton complains about the camel being “wobbly”. Did you not play in the NFL? The camel ride ends at—you guessed it—a hot tub in the middle of fucking nowhere. I love this show. Becca and Colton say some words that are ostensibly about having a connection and moving forward, and make out closer to a pair of camels than I certainly ever will!

During their dinner, Becca’s sequins are housed in a slightly-less-offensive black shift dress. It’s not good, but it doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out. The chemistry is positively on fire, showcased by exchanges such as this one:
Becca: “We were in the middle of the desert! In a hot tub!”
Colton: “I know!”

Colton takes this opportunity to spew a bunch of faux-sensitive bullshit about “not using ‘falling in love’ lightly” because he “associate[s] love with pain because [he] got dumped once.” I have some bad news for u about dating, my dude. Anyway, Colton gets the rose and is maybe a frontrunner at this point. They drink champagne on top of a bus and no cops show up to shoo them off, which has NOT been my personal experience.

Later, Colton will tell the camera that is he “falling in love with her”. My dude! You just said! That you never say that! Because of your Special Heartbreak! Or whatever!

Back at the house, Chicken David is still poking at Ken Doll. Things are getting progressively more awkward, building into the kind of tension that can only be diffused by a hot’n’heavy makeout. I’m ready when you are, boys.

Totally coincidentally, a group date card arrives, bearing the names of everyone except…………. Jordan and David! The Chicken vs Ken Doll feud ends TONIGHT, ladies and perhaps one gent!

GROUP DATE

Today’s group date host is Wayne Newton, singer of Danke Schoen. This man has had so much work done that he is no longer able to move his face at all.

The activity: the men have to write song lyrics for Becca, aka, the Chris R. date x 10. I want the ground to swallow me whole. The men scatter like roaches in the light, because being too close to another man while writing a song is Gay. Watching Garrett try to write a song is like watching a hamster try to learn trigonometry. Leo sings his draft to a horse, then pouts “Aw, you didn’t like it?”

THEN, we find out that the songs will be PERFORMED LIVE for a Vegas audience and y’all, I am too embarrassed on behalf of other people to even consider watching this. My boyfriend flees to the kitchen, mumbling something about doing dishes. For the sake of this recap, I mute the TV, but am still concerned that I may die of secondhand embarrassment. I unmuted part of Chris R.’s, whose spirit was already shattered by the Capitol Records date and who thusly has no shame left. A part of my own soul wilted listening to him shout “MUYYYY BONITAAAAA” at the audience to the tune of “Danke Schoen”, but Becca apparently found it “sexy”. Clearly, we have different definitions of that word.

Becca’s dress for this date is the worst so far: a backless salmon monstrosity with more glitter than the floor of a 24-hour strip club, from the 2004 Forever21 Prom Collection. Perhaps her stylist was Team Jean Blanc???? Just because she has the body to wear anything… does not mean you should put her in this.

Blake, clearly extremely nervous, tells Becca he is falling in love with her. Finish your drink!! He’s the first one. I like Blake! Surprisingly, Becca says it too! To the camera, but still. Eat yer heart out, Garrett.

Chris R. is a drama queen bitch, and is pouting because… well, I’m not totally sure. I guess because Becca didn’t seek him out to talk to him during the date afterparty??

Connor tries to make him feel better and Chris is rude as fuck, saying something like “If I were still at the level you’re at, I would be worried too.” No one likes a rude whiner, Chris! He then threatens to leave, which is also always a good look.

TWO ON ONE

The two-on-one looks like it was shot on the same set as Mad Max: Fury Road. As much as Becca’s stylist hates her, her hair and makeup person loves her: Becca’s hair looks great in the middle of the desert. BITCH. To camera, she says “I have to decide whether I can see a future with one of these guys, or both, or neither…” which gives me GREAT hope that she is going to dispatch both of these annoying assholes.

Rather than talking about himself, or Becca, or a troublesome growth on his balls, or literally anything else, David leads off with a tirade about how Jordan is “here for the wrong reasons.” Finish your drink!! It’s the wrong tactic and he’s definitely going home. Then, Becca opens her time with Jordan by… bringing up what David said. Jordan—wearing an extremely Zoolander-esque, safari-style outfit of light blue skinny pants tucked into boots— returns to David after this lecture and yells “being me is my greatest power!”

Becca correctly identifies this as a “sixth grade, petty, annoying” situation and wanders around in the desert while they gripe at each other. FINALLY, she sends David home, but doesn’t give Jordan the rose either.

Farewell, David—we hardly knew ye, because you used your entire tenure on the show to snipe at Jordan and everyone hated it. As is standard for a 2-on-1, Davis is left standing in the desert.

Jordan and Becca try to get to know each other, but it’s painfully obvious that he’s just waiting for her to stop talking so he can talk about himself. He literally says: “I wish I could get my [modeling] portfolio out here!” while Becca stares at the wall with dead eyes. She puts us all out of our misery by declining to give him the rose, correctly identifying “there’s something missing here”. Um, YA! BRAINWAVES!

Jordan is FLOORED. He really thought talking about Zoolander and unironically showing Becca his best Blue Steel was the correct move here. I am unable to even.

Y’all, this was BRUTAL! 2 FOR 2! ONE-TWO PUNCH! GO BECCA GO! SEND THESE ASSHOLES HOME!

In the limo, Jordan states: “I can speak—I can walk— I’m fit” as reasons why Becca should have kept him around, or perhaps just as general merits of his existence. I am crying. We get a lovely panning view of Becca watching the evening fireworks– presumably meant for this evening’s winner– alone. This is correct, because Becca WAS the winner of the evening.

Back at the ranch, the assistant returns to retrieve ANOTHER bag—Jordan’s this time—and the boys erupt into celebration. Leo is wearing a light purple women’s pajama shirt from American Apparel circa 2001 and I love him even more every single day.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Becca’s sequins: A black and grey patterned floor-length gown, somehow EVEN WORSE THAN THE SALMON ONE. I’M EXTREMELY UPSET.

Becca grabs Chris, Whiny Baby Extraordinaire, in an attempt to address head-on all the bullshit he was spewing about leaving or whatever.

She’s like… j’excuse? You wanted ME to come find YOU? Clearly, it is 100% on the dudes to interrupt/chase her down/etc. They are now basically arguing about whether Becca is into him, and Chris flounces off again, angry that Becca is “doubting him”. Now he is crying. I’m extremely confused. Please do not be like this.

Becca sits down with Wills, a man 1000x more handsome and 3000x less of a dick than Chris R., who of course shows back up within 5 minutes. The conversation is as follows:

Chris: “Can I steal her?”
Wills: “You just talked to her.”
Becca: “We JUST sat down.”
Chris: “Ya but, it’s really important.”
Wills: “………”
Becca: “I’ll come find you in a few minutes!”
Chris: “But! It’s!! Very!!! Important!!!!”
Wills: “I will give you two minutes and then I am coming back.”

Wills comes back after the promised two minutes and Chris, having used those two minutes to lay out the stupidest argument about how he’s actually NOT wrong right now, refuses to budge, because it’s “important.”

Has anyone ever tried telling Chris that they didn’t feel like having sex tonight? “BUT! IT’S! IMPORTANT!!!”

Chris, you are not more important than anyone fucking else. Becca says nothing, watching him repeatedly show his ass while Wills politely asks for his seat back– WHICH HE DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! This is some toxic white bullshit. Becca finally gets rid of him by repeating “I’ll come find you later” 11 more times, as Chris tries to stare down a fully-unbothered Wills. Wills reclaims his seat and, rather than dwelling on the turd sandwich who just tried to crash his party, calmly resumes his snuggle-n-chat with Becca about how they are both nerds. I adore him.

After this talk, Wills returns, looks right at Chris, and grins “what’s up, baby?” GETTEM, BOO. Chris tries to get the other guys on his side, but fails spectacularly, as none of THEM want THEIR time stolen by someone who thinks he is more “important” just because the bachelorette is mad at him. There is a lot of back and forth in which everyone fully realizes that Chris is a fucking asshole.

ROSE CEREMONY

My only note: “Mid-ceremony I noticed that the dress has a fucking fish scale pattern on it. WHAT THE FUCK.”

RIP

The final rose is between Chris and John, co-creator of Venmo, and of course goes to Chris, since Jordan is gone and we need some spicy new dramz. John, you were clearly a sweetheart, but too easily eclipsed by all the Down Home Farm Boy types that Becca craves. He seems sad. Sorry, dude! Great app tho.

NEXT WEEK

The producers have clearly hit a wall with regard to the travel budget, as we are going to… Richmond, VA! There is a “Beccalection,” complete with a debate that I know I will not be able to watch. The men are spiraling. Everyone hates Chris. Crying abounds. Becca wears a zebra-print sequined shift that I would not wear if the only other option was being fully naked on a live television show that is being broadcast to millions of people.

Tune back in next week! Xoxo!