Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! Let’s, in Becca’s favorite words that already make me want to eat a chunk of drywall, “do the damn thing.”

The cameras pan in on a nice morning in the Dude Mansion. David is making what appear to be BOMB-ass omelettes for everyone, and Jordan is snarking that making breakfast is boring. Wrong call, my dude. EVERYONE likes the guy who makes breakfast! Fuck, even Garrett, Parkland Truther could win me over with a nice plate of waffles!! (Just kidding. I’m not a demon.)

FIRST GROUP DATE

Attendees: Jordan, David, Colton, Jason, Wills, Jean Blanc

Helllllllo and welcome to the Arie LyingDick Recovery Support Group meeting, held in a makeshift spa of sorts. We’re reunited with Tiny Queen Becca M., Tia from Weiner Arkansas, Becca’s Fierce Defender Caroline, Still-Very-Zen Kendall (Zendall? I’ll be here all week), and Perfect Sienne Who Is Way Too Good For Any Of This Terrible Crap.

Of course, we are still making a big deal of Tia and Colton “dating” (for one weekend). The girls are all, “Becca, can you move past this?”

As the boys are walking in (and allegedly before he knows that Tia is one of their massage clients for the day) Colton says: “I want to relax and have a good day, but I can’t stop worrying about The Tia Thing.”
Tia:

Becca goes around introducing the boys to the girls and… forgets Jason’s name. Savage.

Jason and Colton step aside to try to have a deep conversation about The Tia Thing, but the decorative “spa fountain” behind them is making such loud burbling piss noises that I can’t hear anything they’re saying.

Back in the spa room, the boys are giving the girls manis, pedis, and shoulder rubs. Wills is such a cutie!!! The girls also painted the guys’ nails and I’m HERE. FOR. IT. (Later footage will show that some of these dudes wore their polish for… several days. Just the best.)

It’s Becca and Tia’s turn to discuss The Tia Thing. Per Tia, “the most [they] did was kiss”. (Reminder that Colton is, at this time, still claiming to be a virgin.)

“JUST KISSED” AND WE’RE MAKING THIS BIG A DEAL OUT OF IT?? Good God! I would care less than this if my boyfriend had done buttstuff with one of my acquaintances before I knew her! This is nuts!!! Anyway, please god let this plotline be over, I’m so tired of it.

(my Gif Of The Season, apparently)

Becca has some time with Jason, who gains back some of the respect I lost for him as an Adult Disney Man by actually being very cool about the name forgetting. They have a nice convo and a kiss. She says “I have a lil crush on you!” which I find endearing.

Later on, back at the house, Jordan is talking about his 4000 tinder matches while David eggs him on. Wills looks tired of them both, sipping his drink behind flawless red nails. Big Mood, etc. etc. David unsurprisingly tattles to Becca about Jordan’s affinity for Tinder. The Tattler never wins, David, have you never seen this show???  He also tells Becca that Jordan is not here for the right reasons!!! and we groan and finish our drinks, per unofficial Bachelorette Drinking Game Rules.

A legendary scene:

Jordan to David: “You are a skeleton of a man.”
(Cut to Wills, sipping his drink again, looking extremely amused.)
Jordan to David again: “Cheers to you being a bitch!”
(Cut to me, frantically scribbling on a napkin for the first time I am asked to be someone’s Maid of Honor.)

My bf announces that he is Team Ken Doll, and I get it, because Chicken Man is so smugly pedantic that I want to knee him in the groin with both knees. I am (and I think the rest of the dudes are) Team Throw Them Both In A Volcano.  All uninvolved parties are literally snort-laugh into their drinks through the lamest fight ever:
Jordan: “I am a Wilhelmina Model!!!! and I don’t think you know what that means!!! If you’re trying to wreck my image, you won’t- because my image is me.”

ONE ON ONE DATE
Invitee: Chris R., Orlandoan/Perez Hilton Cosplayer, at Capitol Records

This date is when I realize for sure: Becca’s stylist fucking hates her. Becca’s stylist must have been FIRMLY Team Lauren and is now exacting their revenge. They have put her in a black turtleneck crop-top, with a silver “bling” necklace that appears built-in and looks like it weighs at least 5 lbs. This shirt came off the 70% off rack at Burlington Coat Factory. I’m embarrassed for everyone involved.

But wait! It gets worse! The activity on this date is… writing a song “about your love”… with a person you’ve spent… like 20 total minutes with. I HAVE NEVER CRINGED HARDER IN MY LIFE. THIS IS AWFUL. I HATE IT. I’m pretty sure my boyfriend faked a work call during this dumpster fire and left me here to deal with it alone. Extremely rude, but also, I can’t blame him.

TWO PSYCHOS MAKE OUT

And not on The Bachelorette! Apparently ABC thought it would be fine to interrupt America’s Brainless Fake Love Show with updates on its Abuser-in-Chief’s meeting with Kim Jong Un. I would rather die than watch these two fucking lunatics do anything so, you know, I turned it off and painted my nails. Maybe I’ll still be awake when they’re done circling each other like drunk peacocks. A friend, still watching and thus braver than I, notes: “Kim and Trump have better chemistry than David and Becca.”

AND WE’RE BACK

Chris R. opens up about reaching out to his estranged father as an adult and being ignored. Welp! That’s…. extremely sad! DON’T MAKE ME ROOT FOR THIS GUY! Anyway, he gets a rose and I’m more okay with it after knowing his Tragic Backstory. Damnit, producers.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH

There’s blood everywhere! Last week, I predicted that all the teaser ambulance footage was due to someone stepping on all the glass Connor has thrown into the pool. Our victim, David, is rushed to the hospital looking extremely disoriented, because he… fell out of his bed… onto his face. I laugh, before I realize (thanks to footage of Jordan drilling guardrails onto the top bunks) that he was likely on the top bunk, and then I feel bad for laughing. Like, ouch. Best luck to David and his face. (Do I think he kind of did it on purpose because he knew he was GON this week if he wasn’t literally in the hospital? Reader, I wouldn’t NOT say that.)

GROUP DATE #2
aka #SPORTSDATE!
Attendees: Ten dudes, including Clay Bae, Christon, Luscious Leo, Lincoln, #SportsMan Mike, Skinny John, a man named Ryan who I’ve never seen before, Glass-Throwing Fetishist Connor, and… sorry, I didn’t see the other two.

The activities include some drills and then a scrimmage. Leo Is EXTREMELY hype, and I love him. Clay is in his element but being totally humble, unlike Jordan, whose element is “walking around in clothes” and won’t let anyone forget it. God bless Lincoln, who is almost always on the wrong side of the field despite trying his very best. Clay hurts his wrist :(((((( prompting a visit from ANOTHER ambulance! Chris Harrison must be fully erect.

AFTERPARTY

-Becca is wearing…….. you guessed it…. a silver…………. Crushed velvet….. robe. (Did you really guess it??? If so, I’m extremely impressed; email me to collect your prize.)

-I’m sad that Garrett is such a piece of shit because he seems very charming on the show. However, I’m not at all surprised that he likes posts on Instagram to the effect of, “IF U HAVE A VAGINER, YER A WOMAN, IF U DON’T, YER NOT.” What I’m saying is, I despise myself for finding Garrett attractive in any way, shape, or form. I’ll finish my drink and donate $10 to a good charity.

-CLAY COMES BACK AND GETS THE DATE ROSE! I love him. Also, Garrett looks real butthurt which makes it even better.

COCKTAIL PARTY

While mingling, Becca tells the confessional booth, “I can really tell this is working, again.” How INCREDIBLY bleak. How is it “working again” if the first time it “worked” ended with you being dumped on live television?!?!? IT DOESN’T WORK! Like, I know you have to say that, but eeeeeesh.

In an actually-surprising turn of events, Clay decides to leave the show early to have surgery on his wrist so he can continue to play football and support his family. I’m very sad!!!! My boyfriend says some mean #sports-related things that I don’t understand, and won’t repeat, because Clay is perfect and I don’t see haters.

RIP

Clay Bae, I hate to see you go, but GODDAMN I love to watch you walk away. Rest easy, sweet prince. You and that bubble butt should consider calling Becca once she’s dumped Garrett, Parkland Truther (so like, Septemberish?)

In light of the Surprise Clay Exit, the rose ceremony is shuffled to next week. Tune in next Tuesday to find out what Jordan meant when he said, in the preview, “David’s face looks like a time warp”!

Xoxo!