Hello, and welcome to my own personal hell of my own making a LIVE, THREE-HOUR-LONG episode of The Bachelorette. The only sign that any mercy remains in this world is that after this live, three-hour-long episode of The Bachelorette, this beige-ass snorefest will f i n a l l y be over. To the NSA: if you’re reading this and you ever need to torture me– please– please choose any method other than a live, three-hour-long episode of The Bachelorette.

Okay! Here we go! We’re in the Maldives!!

GARRETT MEETS THE KUFRINS

Becca, wearing something awful, shows up at her family’s digs and gives them some light details about Garrett, such as, he is SoOOOOooOOooOo ameezing, and he makes her laugh, and oh by the way he was married once before and it only lasted for two months.

While I am incapable of remembering that Garrett was married before, I am also POSITIVE that the “two months” detail had not been previously broached. That is NOT ANY TIME AT ALL, MY DUDE! YOU NEED TO RUN! THIS MAN HAS A BASEMENT FULL OF TOENAILS!

(Garrett’s ex-wife- if you’re reading this- DM me- I’m on Twitter @carlysintothat– I have eleven dollars and I will give all of them to you!!!)

Garrett shows up, positively dripping with charm’n’smarm like yer standard Good Ol’ Midwestern Boy. Primarily, I feel bad for Becca’s parents. They had to meet Arie too, and listen to her whole spiel about him, what—like 6 months ago?? It’s like the parade of homes, but instead of homes, emotionally flaccid douchebags with unaddressed commitment and attachment issues.

Becca’s uncle grills Garrett a bit about the marriage thing; he gives a disjointed word salad answer that doesn’t really mean anything. What were you expecting? A poetic, Oscar’s-ready speech? He also cries a bit while talking about his family always sticking together through tough times, which is touching, until you remember that he liked this photo on Instagram:

So Garrett… what you’re saying is… families sticking together is important to you?

BLAKE MEETS THE KUFRINS

For Blake’s family intro, Becca is wearing a purple and garnet cold-shoulder shorts-set and/or midriff-baring romper. Having typed this sentence, I must now walk directly into the sea and never return. Becca tells her family that, from the beginning, she always thought it would be Blake, they have such a CONNECSHUN and they’re PARTNERS IN CRIME. That sounds really nice! Pretty weird that you’re not gonna marry this dude!

Becca’s sister takes Blake aside and asks him what he likes about Becca, and he gives a clearly-prepared speech about teamwork and being attracted to strong women. Pardon me, but, bish where???

Saying you’re a strong woman does not make you a strong woman, just like standing in my garage doesn’t make me a car. In my opinion, “strong women” don’t believe that you (and I paraphrase) “shouldn’t judge people for their opinions”, per her response to Garrett’s Instagram fuckery. Like… I’m sorry? If I can’t judge people on very literally the things they believe in, what in the absolute fuck am I supposed to judge them on? Becca is a limp-wristed sack of air with as many moral convictions as the lizard my dog ate this morning. Next.

Anyway, did y’all watch Weeds? Because basically the only thing I could think about during the rest of this boring-ass conversation was that Becca’s sister looks like the kid from Weeds who was in the Huskeroos commercial. Oh, how they grow up!

The rest of Blake’s date is, quite frankly, brutal, with Becca’s family spending the majority of their time on camera preparing him to lose.

Becca’s mom: “Do you think you’ll be okay if she doesn’t pick you?”
Blake (to camera): “I don’t want to talk about Garrett anymore!!!”

Savage.

LAST DATE WITH GARRETT

Becca’s last date with Garrett involves a bunch of dry-humping on a small boat and swimming on the equator. Typical Tuesday, amirite? These two boring douches are clearly super into each other. Another thing that becomes apparent: Garrett doesn’t Say Words Good. At one point, he tells Becca: “People say they get butterflies, but butterflies are small. You give me like……. eagles.”

Also, this:

Dinner is super boring and I have no notes except that Becca is wearing *takes a deep breath and a tequila shot* a baby blue, cheap faux-satin, spaghetti-strap top and white pants. You are not Baby Spice.

LAST DATE WITH BLAKE

Becca is wearing this… “shirt”.

And what’s worse, she’s wearing it to RIDE BIKES! I briefly try to imagine being skinny enough to RIDE BIKES IN A CROP TOP and almost pass out from the effort. When I go to hell, I will be tortured via RIDING A BIKE IN A CROP TOP, FOR ETERNITY. And probably something with wasps. Anyway, they ride around or something, he’s super obsessed with her, she’s staring past him with dead eyes/thinking of Garrett’s balls, etc. etc. etc.

At dinner, Becca tells the camera all the reasons she should pick Blake. Becca is, in no way and under no circumstance, going to pick Blake. Listen, gurl— no shame in this game! We’ve all had to choose between a man who deeply treasures us, thinks we are WAY better than we actually are, and strives for a relationship that’s 50/50; and a man who refers to us only by traditional domestic roles filled by women. Amirite ladies?!

RANGS

Garrett meets with Neil Lane to pick out the ring he’ll use to propose to Becca, who will say yes. Darling Neil puts many nice and thoughtful words in Garrett’s mouth to help him explain why he picked the ring he picked: it has three stones, symbolizing yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (Reader poll: could Garrett spell “tomorrow”?)

For some reason, Blake also visits Neil and selects a ring. Why? Maybe it’s a gift for his mom or something? Blake’s pick: a cushion-cut diamond with tiny diamond halo. Yawn.

THE PROPOSAL

Both of the men are wearing impeccably-tailored suits and racing toward Proposal Island in small boats, as though this were Mission Impossible 7: Becca Has An Opinion.

For her proposal, Becca is wearing a white dress (such nuance!) that looks like a haunted seashell. It is halter-neck, backless, floor-length, and covered in what looks like shards of broken mirror. This dress was made for an adult woman who still believes that, someday, she could be a mermaid. In a kinda perfect way, it epitomizes literally everything that I have hated about Becca’s wardrobe choices over the last 10 excruciating weeks. In the distance, if you listen closely, you can hear Becca’s stylist wailing, “THEY SAID MORE SPARKLE!!!!!!!!”

Surprising only Blake, it is Blake who gets out of the limo-boat in the doomed First And Thus Rejected proposal slot. He seems so genuinely in love with Becca, a sentient Fashion Nova bodycon dress, and I feel bad for him. Blake, visibly sweating LITERAL gallons, begins his pre-posal speech. Becca lets him go on for far too long before stopping him and letting him know that she’ll be picking Parkland Truther Garrett instead. Somehow, she manages to conjure up some convincing tears and a much-less convincing anxiety attack, bending over in her backless dress as though she’s going to vomit in the tropical underbrush.

MAN, I AM SO BORED!

Okay, so now it’s obviously Garrett’s turn. They seem to want the same thing (weekend fishing trips; 1,417 children in the next 8 months; a relationship where the woman doesn’t talk too much) so like, good for them and whatnot. Garrett shows up, exuding the Big Dick Energy that undoubtedly won him the season. He looks extremely good for a walking meatbag brimming with unqualified hatred for things he doesn’t understand!

He proposes; she says yes; they make out on the beach; we smash cut back to the LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE that I have heretofore ignored during this recap because I despise it with my whole heart. Look! It’s Real Life Becca And Garrett, who are ostensibly still together and playing footsie on the Stage Couch. I will say one positive thing about them as a couple, which is that, they DEFINITELY fuck. When they talk to the camera about their “couples bonding weekends”……… yeah, they Fuck A Lot. Look- it’s no one’s problem except Becca’s that she can’t separate “good dong” from “good person”! I give them til Christmas.

With that, I bid you adieu until the next season of The Bachelor! I hope you enjoyed the inaugural season of Carly’s Into Bach, but if you didn’t, please keep in mind that it’s not my fault I decided to start recapping the show during what was UNQUESTIONABLY its worse, most boring, most predictable season ever. I DID MY BEST! *sobs*

Love y’all, mean it.