HELLO, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! It’s been quite a while since our last venture into Scripted Love, and I’m sure we’re all straining against the handcuffs that fasten us to our couches very excited to be here.

In Recap City, it’s 8:01—the first minute of the THREE HOUR LIVE PREMIERE! What a gift!— and we already have our first reference to “going all the way”. Moments later, Christ Harrison winkily proclaims that Colton really has “something to lose”. Anyone who is drinking this month is legally required to finish their beverage whenever someone makes a virgin reference.

This premiere is structured like a lot of previous finales, in that there is a live audience, many “watch parties” hosted by famous prior contestants, and DEAR GOD WHAT HAS JOJO DONE TO HER BEAUTIFUL FACE SHE CAN’T EVEN SPEAK NORMALLY ANYMORE????????

One of the contestant/hosts interviews a couple who says they respect Colton sooOOoOoOo much more because he has not yet put his ding dong in a lady. Weird flex, but okay! Imagine standing next to your romantic partner on national television and being such a puritanical weirdo about Doin’ It! We all knew this was the angle ABC would take, but there is nothing wrong with sex! Many people do it! Some people don’t! I don’t care, but let’s not be dicks about it!

CONTESTANT BIOS

The following women got a special bio during the premiere, which likely means they will be some of this season’s Ones To Watch.

Cassie: Speech pathologist, grad student, and charming blonde (I know what you’re thinking—a charming blonde? On THIS show?!?!)

Hannah B: Miss Alabama, or Alabama Hannah as she calls herself, loves Tuscaloosa and standing by highways getting honked at by truckers. I’m not here to kinkshame!

Katie: Dancer/possibly professional fitness person. Seems like a nice lady!

Heather: According to The Bachelor, Heather’s job is “never been kissed”. I’m going to put “never been double-teamed by sasquatches on Mt. Everest” on my resume and see what happens.

Onyeka: Onyeka’s parents got engaged within two weeks and have been together for 35 years. Romantic, but also, talk about pressure! I kind of get why she’s here! She seems bubbly and fun, and I’m excited to see more of her.

Nicole: Social media coordinator; lives in Miami (what’s up, Florida?!) Nicole is sweet and family-oriented, which seems to be Colton’s Thing, so we’ll see.

Kirpa: Dental hygienist who giggles, “It would be a good experience to clean Colton’s teeth.” Again! I’m not here to kinkshame!

Demi: Most new contestants on this show remind me, at least in some way, of previous contestants. Not this one!! Her bio begins with her on a four-wheeler hollering “I’M HOTDOGGIN FOR COLTON!”; moves to a phone call with her incarcerated mom, followed by a cheery “My mom had to go to federal prison for embezzlement!”; and ends with a discombobulated virginity metaphor in which sex with different people is, I guess, different cake flavors? Demi identifies herself as “funfetti cake”. I treasure her deeply. Also—can anyone tell me what “hot doggin” means? Assuming a sex thing, but can’t be sure.

HERE HE COMES, MISTER VIRGIN AMERICA

Colton proudly identifies himself as “the first virgin bachelor”. One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, amirite?? We’re treated to a montage of him working out, then showering, then maybe… showering again? Continuation of the first shower? Unclear.

Per Colton, he knows what love feels like, because he has been in love before. Kind of like getting an ulcer! I definitely thought he was talking about Tia, but he moved right into talking about how he was ready to swipe his v-card with… Becca…..??? Yikes.

Not even one hour into the season, a softening of the rules is becoming… necessary. We at Carly’s Into Bach are strongly invested in the safety of our readers, and do not want anyone waking up in a pile of their own barf on a Tuesday morning. That’s a school day!! Thus– you may SIP your drink whenever there’s a mention of virginity, rather than finishing it. You will probably still be……… very drunk.

PAST BACHELOR/ETTE COUPLES

There’s an extremely boring montage of Success Stories, almost none of which I was personally around to witness since I just started watching ~2 years ago. Quote one of the moms, gesturing around a beige playroom with a monogrammed, gender-color-coordinated lounge chair for each child: “If my daughter wanted to go on the show, I’d say go for it! Look what can happen!”

Look what can happen, indeed.

KRYSTAL AND CHRIS R.

Sorry—I refuse to call him Goose. No one called him Goose on Becca’s season and we were never given an explanation as to why he was, suddenly, being called Goose. It’s a stupid nickname and I’m not doing it.

Anyway! We are in a hot tub in, um, the parking lot behind ABC studios (???) with Krystal and Duck. Krystal is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever seen anyone who is not currently having their genitals waxed. “Come on in! We have champagne!!!” she wails. This hot tub is where I will go if I am sent to hell.

IS THIS A FUCKING PROPOSAL???????

It was. Some poor dude was escorted up to a host’s mic, said a few horribly-written lines about how much ~~~ love was in the air~~~ tonight, and proposed to his girlfriend, who only looked 1% as horrified as she should have. Love has died. Today was love’s last day on Earth.

LIMOS

-Demi is first. She looks like Sleeping Beauty.

-Tayshia, a phlebotomist: Has a good first line and gorgeous silver dress.

-Never-Been-Kissed-Heather

-Nicole: Our first hint that, like prior seasons, any contestant who speaks a second language will be forced to offer an awkward phrase as their opener, then translate it for Colton, who says something like “Wow! That was Amazing!!!!” Sigh.

-Caelynn- Miss North Carolina, who apparently BEAT Miss Alabama in the Miss America pageant. I cannot wait for these two to start throwing snipes.

-Sydney: A dancer, I believe? She is wearing an awful black dress with cutouts. Pretty weird that they’d hire Becca’s stylist for Colton’s season, but Okay!!

-Elise is a redhead and thus will not make it past the first round. No redhead ever has!!! This, and not my wobbly body, advanced age, or nonexistent conversation skills, is why I have never applied to be on The Bachelor.

-Tahzjuan—Look at you in this dress!! Tahzjuan graciously weaves a Name Pronunciation Device—“I hope I’m the Tazh-juan for you”— into her opening line. Thank god, because y’all have seen Colton—he could *not* have gotten there alone.

-Cassie: Presents a box full of fake fucking butterflies and then… dumps it on the ground. Romance is alive again!!! He loves it even though she is wearing the dumbest dress I’ve ever seen. Looks like Forever21 sale rack. Help. Colton saves a fake butterfly and puts it in his pocket, presumably to save for a rainy day.

-Kirpa: Gorgeous, but looks like she’s going to prom. As Coco Chanel always said, look in the mirror and take your hair out of that highschool-ass style before leaving the house. Thank u.

-Caitlin: Pops a red balloon and says, “Now that I’ve popped your cherry!” Christ. Everyone drink.

-Courtney: Hands Colton a peach because she’s from Georgia. Honestly—he’s probably hungry at this point! I can dig it.

-Katie: Hands Colton a card, as though she’s going to do a magic trick, but when he hands it back to her… it just says “V”. She took his V-card! Get it??? Virginity is a social construct that is far too highly valued in almost every society in the world! Everyone drink!!1!

-The Sloth: I know y’all have heard about the sloth by now, and I have not learned her real name because I’m so angry about this entrance. I appreciate committing to the bit, but Jesus Christ, woman, we’ve got a COCKTAIL PARTY to get to! It’s not even 9:00! I’m so tired!!! I think her name is Alex. Here’s a sloth pic.

-Onyeka: My boyfriend took his computer “to do something for work” during Onyeka’s entrance—extremely rude—so I have no notes, but I do love her. Sorry!

-Erika [or as my notes say, “Girl who brought him a bag of nuts”]: Again— it’s long night! Time for a snack! Erika brought him nuts because her last name is McNutt. Loving these memory devices, girls!!

-Alabama Hannah, wearing black sparkles and triggering my Becca PTSD.

-Tracy shows up in a cop car and calls herself “the Fashion Police” because she’s a stylist. This is hilarious, because she’s wearing like…. a beige glitter skirt…. with a white, cotton, bargain-bin crop top from H&M?

Clearly Tracy has been too busy tweeting about how much she hates fat people to learn how to put a fucking outfit together. Fix your attitude, bog hag.

PS- do you think Fox News will make her take a new picture or can she just reuse this one??

-Devin has my favorite dress of the night, but is quiet/doesn’t do much to stand out.

-Revian: Introduces herself in Mandarin.

-Nina: Introduces herself in Croatian.

-Alex B (job: Dog Rescuer): Has lost her voice and therefore introduces herself in Love, Actually style billboards. It’s cute, IMO.

-Bri: I’m not giving the stupid fake Australian accent any more airtime than it’s already gotten. All I will say is, she sounded drunk rather than Australian, and it’s AMAZING what you can get away with when you’re hot. Yawn.

-Laura from Dallas: No notes. Sorry gurl!

-Hannah G: Super gorgeous; kind of looks like Kate Hudson and Jena Malone had a baby.

-Jane: Photoshopped her dog and Colton’s dog into one picture. I love this, except that Colton… did not recognize HIS OWN DOG in a photo, so now I think he’s a serial killer. Anyway, Jane keeps talking about how much she misses her dogs. Relatable! Please, go to them. Nothing good will happen here.

-Catherine: Actually brings her dog Lucy, who is adorable, and asks Colton to… dogsit? For the whole time she’s on the show?? People charge money for that, CATHERINE, have you heard of Rover?! Good way to get sent home on the first night, IMO. Ain’t nobody tryna dogsit for free.

-Erin (job: Cinderella): Enters in a horse and carriage, making many of the previous women voice regret over their Entrance Styles—i.e., “I should have done more than give him a bag of nuts!!” No you shouldn’t have—you’re doing amazing, sweetie. Courtney, who handed Colton a peach, says: “I don’t know, I just want him to know that I’m more than just fruit.”

I WANT TO DIE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Another proposal. This time, the man says: “I want you to be my partner in crime, for life.” Like– during the proposal. I am screaming internally, and probably externally.

NOTES ON THE COCKTAIL PARTY

-Hannah G. is giving me major frontrunner vibes.

-Caelynn (Miss NC) is clearly this season’s Krystal. Not fully the villain, but annoying and self-righteous and conceited all the same. She muscles her way in for the first kiss of the season.

-Catherine, Miami DJ Who Doesn’t Pay For Dog Services, “steals” Colton from other women a total of FOUR TIMES during the cocktail party, shattering records set by the Olivias, Krystals, and Corinnes of previous seasons. Right around 10pm Viewer Time, Onyeka sits her down to be all, “hey, that’s not cool, fuckin’ stop it” and Catherine is all, “oh my gahhh, I did not even have that much time with himmm, everyone calm downnnn”.

OOPS, I’M AN OLD CRONE

I’ll be honest—I stopped watching at 10pm, because that’s my bedtime! I will not stay up until 11pm for my own wedding, much less to watch the last hour of this chardonnay-fueled cat fight. For you, my dear readers, I fully intended to pick back up and finish the episode on Tuesday. Imagine my horror when I opened the episode on Hulu and discovered—“Fast Forward has been disabled for this program.”

I already put myself through those first two hours once—I’m not doing it again!! So for your convenience, I have cannibalized existing recaps to bring you the First Impression rose and a list of who went home the first night.

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

Unsurprisingly, Hannah G.

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE

-Alex D, aka Sloth Woman. I’m glad Colton was as annoyed by that as he should have been! That was… too much!
-Laura
-Revian
-Erin, aka Cinderella. What an entrance, just to be immediately booted! Demoralizing. I feel spiritually invigorated.
-Devin
-Tahzjuan
-JANE!! I love you. Come to my house instead, we will play with dogs and do facemasks and drink wine and have more fun than anyone who is trapped in the Hell Mansion for several months. Call me!

And there you have it! Mother’s Largest Son unceremoniously halved the non-white contestants in a single fell-swoop, as he was always going to do. He did, however, allow the redhead to stay. ELYSE, YOU SLY DOG! I am shooketh. Elyse, YOU TAKE IT ALL, in the name of Scorned Redheads Past.

Tune in next week for more of, well, basically this!
Love y’all, mean it!