Hello, fellow masochists and welcome to Week 2, where we are treated to our first one-on-one date, two group dates, and even more crying than Week 1! I have to warn you: this episode was so bad that it gave my dog diarrhea, every two hours, for the whole night! I look and feel like the undead, so let’s jump right in and get this over with!
FIRST GROUP DATE
Demi, Catherine, Hannah G., Elyse, Onyeka, Tracy, Bri, and Nicole are selected for the first group date. They head to a theater where they’re greeted by Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally (please adopt me) and informed that today’s date involves… writing and telling stories of their “firsts” to a live studio audience of 200 people. Personally, I would rather die, but these girls are already in heavy competition for the coveted post-Bachelor Fit Tea Instagram sponsorship, so what’s a little public embarrassment??
The happy couple makes everyone extremely uncomfortable with some heavy innuendos, then sets them off to write their own stories. Nick and Megan soon roll up on Demi while she’s deep in the ~creative process~, and she gives them this tidbit: “I was so excited because he showed up and he was hot as fuck.”
Nick: “Hm. They frown upon using the phrase “hot as fuck”.”
As you’ll soon find out, Demi does NOT use whatever story this was, and I’m upset. If the woman wants to tell us about her first orgy, let her! ABC CENSORSHIP BE DAMNED!
Colton tells the story of the first time he admitted he was a virgin, to another Sports Player during Locker Room time, and the other player said: “That’s really cool.” In no universe did this actually happen!
Elyse goes first for the women, telling the story of the first time she dated a younger man, which is… right now. She’s charming and the audience likes her. Cut to Demi in the confessional, who says: “I thought it was really brave of her to admit that she’s 31.” Okay, fetus, calm down tho.
Most of the stories are boring, including Onyeka and Catherine throwing snipes at each other re: “I heard you were drowning in some bitches,” which, sorry but I still love.
Demi tells the story of “when she got the group date rose” and leaps off the stage, grabs Colton’s face, and kisses him in front of the whole audience including the other women, whose facial expressions are as though they were surprised with a live porn show.
POST-DATE COCKTAIL HOUR
It becomes extremely clear that the producers are fanning the flames of a Tracy/Demi beef that I simply cannot care about. Listen— I get it! If I was Tracy, I would also hate Demi—she is younger, funner, 400x hotter than you, and keeps throwing barbs about your Advanced Age. However, the whole point of this show is competition, and when you’re in a competition, whining about how it’s Not Fair isn’t cute or fun. Pop your boobs out and go with it.
Demi grabs Colton first, and while he goes along with the narrative she provides him, which is that he looooooved her story and loooooves how aggressive she is, I’m not sure I believe it. He’s either into her or scared of her, or maybe both? On her way back to the group of ladies, Demi jokingly grabs the group date rose and goes “oh look, it’s my rose”.
Tracy then launches into a 96-minute speech, both to camera and to the other women, about how it was, like, So Disrespectful of Demi to touch the rose, and TRACY would NEVER have touched the rose, and really, the rose still belongs to ALL OF US at this point, and— TRACY! SHUT UP, GIRL! YOU’RE NOT HELPING YOURSELF!!
In a shocking twist: Could a redhead stay past the SECOND WEEK? Colton and Elyse have good chemistry during their chat, and he seems to actually enjoy his time with her MORE than with Sexual Disney Princess. They share a kiss that looks wetter-than-necessary on Colton’s part, and he later gives Elyse the group date rose. I’m shook. I’m nervous. I’m thrilled.
Hannah B. is selected for the first one-on-one date and, as we will hear 642x over the next 20 minutes, it is her birthday. They go on a horseback riding trip (destination: a pavilion in the desert with the Bachelor-requisite hot tub). Back at the proverbial ranch, Caelynn is talking mad shit about how Hannah was Sew Jealous after she got runner up in Miss American and Hannah didn’t place, and how they are no longer friends because of it.
At the pavilion, Colton makes a simple yet nice champagne toast, then tells Hannah, “your turn!”
What follows is at least an entire minute of Hannah going “Uhhhh…. Ummmm…. I don’t know what to say! Um. This is the best birthday ever………. And……. Roll Tide!”
Colton is starting to realize that he was hoodwinked by Hannah’s big smile and First Night Bravado, and wonders to camera if she will ever “open up”, e.g., put literally any string of words into a sentence and have a conversation with him. Hannah is like a beautiful box with nothing inside. Sorry! That’s harsh but, Jesus Christ, TALK, or do something, or say anything! We’re DYING out here!
Somehow at dinner she says enough words for Colton to keep her around, mostly about how she feels less worthy of marriage because she is no longer a virgin and doesn’t have that to “gift” to her future husband. It’s actually pretty fucking sad, and also, Hannah, have you ever met a man??? They eat food off the ground. It’s fine if someone else saw your hooha once or even more than once! It still works! Everything is fine!
SECOND GROUP DATE
Heather, Caelynn, Tayshia, Cassie, Nina, Alex, Kirpa, Katie, Sydney, Courtney, and several assorted blondes are invited on the second group date, which is camping-themed and features Billy Eichner as a guest host. I love him, especially because at one point he looks into a secondary camera and says “I wanted a guest spot on the Goldbergs, but instead I got this.” I feel ya, Billy. This isn’t great!
The women are split into two teams, and the team that wins gets to spend the rest of the night/overnight on a camping trip with Colton, while the losers are sent home. Panic ensues. After three rounds (field games, a canoe race, and tug-o-war), the red team wins and the yellow team cries on their way back to the mansion. Boo hoo. Love the whole campout schtick though, that’s actually a very fun date idea!
Heather, whose job is listed as “Never Been Kissed”, worries that Colton may think “Never Been Kissed” is her whole personality. I wonder why! She finally tells him and, obviously, he does not care or judge her for it, as he clearly has personal experience with Not Doin’ Stuff. She then gets the group rose for “opening up”. Not opening up her lips tho, amirite?? Folks!
COCKTAIL PARTY HIGHLIGHTS
-Sydney, frustrated by someone else taking up too much time with Colton, does what any 4yo would do: grabs pots and pans out of the kitchen and walks up to the pair, repeatedly banging on them with spoons. I know Twitter loved this…. but I did not.
-Colton asks one woman what she thinks about kids and she says “I’ll be honest, I think I just want a bunch of dogs”, which clearly spells the end of her time on the show! Come be my wife! I can’t get you pregnant!
-Tracy has somehow used her Stylist Connections to gank Kate Hudson’s banana-yellow silk dress from How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Just because you’re thin (unlike the women you consistently make fun of for trying to lose weight at the gym) doesn’t make this a good idea! Predictably, her time with Colton is interrupted by Demi, who shows up in a robe and steals Colton away to show him her “Fantasy Closet” *furiously scribbles notes in my Nicknames For Ladyparts journal*. On their way up the stairs, an unidentified contestant immediately claims Line of the Season by asking, “Does she have parents?? I’m just confused.”
Tracy runs away crying (yawn) and Demi tracks her down to be all, “Everyone says you have a problem with me” and Tracy is all, “Why did you have to show up in a robe when I’m trying to Be Vulnerable!!!!” Let’s please remember that Colton—if he was actually interested in continuing that conversation—could have said “Hey, Demi, I’ll come find you in the sex closet when I’m done here!” I’m firmly Team No One.
At this point I’m very tired of Demi, but who knows, maybe I’m just another Old Hater like the members of the Cougar Squad or whatever she calls them. I do remember being 23 and positively drunk on male attention and being able to eat whatever I wanted without being cut out of my apartment with a crane. Demi, someday—if you’re lucky!!—you too will be a haggard cryptkeeper at the geriatric age of 27-31. So please be kinder to your elders, and also, bring me a spoon—my Metamucil isn’t dissolving!
SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
One of my favorite parts of the early rose ceremonies is inevitably seeing at least two women that I have never seen before. Who is Annie? Who is Erika??? In an overall-tough week for women with A names, Colton shows Annie, Alex B., Angelique, and Erika to the door. Not physically—um, he just… hugged them and let them walk out alone and crying. Brutal!
Annie pauses on the way out, still crying, and says “I just want to go home!”
Annie—I have some good news for you!