Goooooood morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathetic bystanders! Last night’s episode had everything: community theater pirates, surprise children, a “wardrobe stylist” wearing pinstriped fucking overalls, a beauty queen hissing like a velociraptor, and even some light BDSM! Without further ado…
Our first group date includes Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. The perma-feud between Yung Demi and Tracy burns quietly in the background, but the producers are really hyping the beauty queen beef (BQB) this week.
The dress code for this date is “crop top athleisure”. Sometimes the overwhelming girl-next-door whiteness of the candidates makes it easy to forget that the one truly mandatory feature for female contestants is having less than 10% body fat. I probably weigh more than all of these extremely tiny, hot women put together! Excellent!
The limo dumps them at some sort of community theatre, where two tired actors valiantly explain this date: the girls will “learn how to be pirates,” and the two who are the best at it get to be in the play. The first activity is, um, standing on a balance beam and beating each other with padded poles. Neat! Hannah B. is clearly using this as An Outlet and is pretty good at it. Imagine her outrage when the two women selected for the play are Tracy and…. HER NEMESIS, CAELYNN! I can smell the Producer Pheromones from all the way across the country.
The losing girls glare from the Poop Deck while Caelynn wins the balance beam battle and the privilege of “saving” Colton, i.e., untying his hands from a clearly-barely-tied rope. Getchu a man who can escape from a badly-tied knot, amirite???
GROUP DATE COCKTAILS
Colton talks with Katie first and still seems pretty generically interested in her. Back in the group, Demi is still performing her tired bit of harping on the other women’s ages, including a savagely-timed “I feel so bad for y’all!”
I was tired of her last week, but this is the end of Demi for me. She’s made her full transition into being the villain, and not even a good or smart one… just an annoying one. Y’all remember Olivia from Ben’s season?? Also, her sparkly, powder-blue dress in this scene is fucking heinous. Just because you’re a Sexy Baby doesn’t mean you can get away with wearing shit out of the Ross Dress For Less dumpster.
Anyway, Demi is determined to Stand Out, so she steals Colton from Courtney, blindfolds him, and… spanks him with a wooden paddle. Demi looooves to act like a Sex Fiend, but she is hitting him directly on the tailbone, which is literally the only place on the bum that should not be paddled. Learn basic etiquette before you hurt someone, you toddler.
Anyway, it gets worse! After beating him in the lower spine with a slab of wood, Demi grabs a mannequin hand—you know, just like the one you have hanging around your own house— runs it down his torso toward his junk, asking “are you nervous yet?”, then removes the blindfold and says “Haha! It’s a fake hand!” Colton looks tired.
She returns to the group and says to camera, “They’re intimidated by my confidence!” I know that as a 23yo, the only plausible cause of conflict is Other Women Being Haterz. For the most part, I think they’re just exhausted by your weird brand of constantly-aggressive, purposefully-obtuse behavior.
Back to the BQB, Caelynn clearly has a leg up on Hannah B. Never Been Kissed Heather, acting either as a completely clueless kiss-virgin or a faux-innocent shit stirrer, recommends that H.B. go talk to Colton about Caelynn being fake. Quote Hannah: “I am befumbled. I don’t have another word.”
….. Okay, but, you should’ve had another word.
She approaches him to commit the #1 Contestant Faux Pas: talking shit about another contestant that he clearly likes more. I wish they would stop doing this. It never works, is always awful, and usually gets you sent home. After the convo, he’s clearly annoyed and gives her a Side Hug Dismissal, which she ignores, necking around waiting for a kiss and finally asking “I can’t even have a peck??” G U R L. He pecks her as he would his grandma, and ends the group date by giving Caelynn the rose. BRUTAL.
ONE ON ONE
This week’s 1-on-1 date goes to… ELYSE! Come thru, my ginger sis!!!
Elyse and Colton fly to Belmont Park in a helicopter. They’re very cute and their body language suggests that they’re very into each other. Once they land at the park, Colton says “I told you this was a one on one… but it’s actually a group date.” GROAN! Clearly this is a producer wording trap—it’s not one of the other women—so who could it be?? A live studio audience? A weary cadre of Disneyland character actors in full Mickey/Minnie/Donald Duck costume? Jive Records recording artist Lance Bass?? A ROOM FULL OF BEES????
It is a group of children from Colton’s cystic fibrosis charity. They are very cute, and what a nice day this must be for them! A girl who looks about 7yo goes “Colton, I recognize you! I watched The Bachelorette with my mom!!”
Is it just me, or is SEVEN a lil young to be watching The Bachelorette?!??
Elyse and Colton have a great time with the kids— she’s awesome with them and very sweet. I wish she would stop bringing up the age gap, but I also know that the producers have one of her beloved family members in a headlock directly off camera while they mouth “I KNOW WE’RE SIX YEARS APART, BUT…” so I can’t fault her for it.
At dinner, Colton says he admires her “confidence and independence,” which is so fucking hilarious because those are the exact two characteristics that Demi has been squawking about possessing for three weeks now. Yung D would shit her pants if she was a fly on the wall for this date. In the words of Our Lord, Lil Wayne, “real Gs move in silence like lasagna.”
Elyse tells a very sad story about her sister finding out she had cancer while pregnant, and subsequently passing away. The family started a charity in her honor which Elyse runs. Colton is poised and ready to propose to her right here over the plastic chicken francese. As a fellow geriatric (28) redhead, may I just say: ELYSE, DO THE DAMN THING FOR ALL OF OUR FELLOW GINGERS WHO FELL MERCILESSLY IN EVERY OTHER SEASON’S FIRST ROUND!!!
SECOND GROUP DATE
Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin are selected for a special exercise-themed group date, which begins with a montage of Colton working out shirtless. Our guests hosts are The Only Good Man, Terry Crews, and his wife Rebecca. They have been married for 28 years and I love them and please adopt me, thanks!!!! The date begins with a few rounds of, um, exercising in a gym?
We soon learn that this was a warm-up for the main event, a Crossfit-style Bachelor’s Strongest Woman competition. The heavily-patriarchy-themed events include a 100 lb wedding cake push (Onyeka crushes it; Nicole cannot make it move even 1cm); a “ring toss aka tire flip (DJ Aggro with a surprising showing here; Sydney also kills it); and… a limo pull, like, literally pulling the weight of a whole limo with your body. Silent Caitlin summons some type of Canadian strength demon and actually gets the limo rolling, to everyone’s open-mouthed surprise.
Onyeka beats other two finalists (Sydney and DJ Aggro) to win the challenge. She and Colton are then pulled around in the limo by the losing contestants who, between all 7 of them, can barely move it. CAITLIN, WHAT ARE YOU?
At the post date cocktail party, we hear from DJ Aggro, who is actually the least-aggro contestant of the season bc she is chill and minds her own business. Love you, girl. Colton pulls Canada Caitlin aside and, to his credit, tries VERY hard to start a conversation with her. She panics as though she is being grilled by the FBI and he sends her home. She seems very upset, but like, how can he know that he wants to keep you if you can’t even answer the question “Tell me about a night at home with your family?”????? Group date rose goes to Nicole.
To “lighten the mood” (and probably check out some butts), Colton requests a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Hannah G. approaches him, nervous that she didn’t get a date this week, but it’s pretty obviously because he’s already decided she gets to stick around.
Poolside, NBK Heather is YET AGAIN telling Hannah B. to talk to Colton about Caelynn. At this point it has to be sabotage, right? Like, could any adult woman really be this clueless?? Hannah B. makes an awful joke about a “beautiful monster that lives inside her” and how she is “filled with rage”. (Producers, please remove all the cheese knives from the mansion.) To demonstrate, she does this horrible fake-roar thing, but it lasts for like, at least seven whole seconds, which is really a long time, when you count it out, to have your mouth open in a fake roar. Try it right now at your desk!
UGH, I’m so tired of the BQB and am actively praying to Chris Harrison that their 2-on-1 is next week so we can MOVE ON! Caelynn (who, btw, is treating this like a death in the family—chill out gurl!) tells Colton that Hannah B. is manipulative, toxic, and deceitful. Colton, a paragon of human emotional intelligence, goes directly to Hannah B. and tells her what Caelynn said. Hannah B. vehemently refutes being manipulative and deceitful, but says nothing of being toxic, which makes me giggle. When yr right, yr right!
Meanwhile, the rest of the girls are pissed because Colton has spent the entire party trying to parse out which Beauty Queen is telling the truth, and hasn’t spent time with any of them. Ladies—you’re at a fucking pool party at a mansion in California with an open bar. Take a deep breath, have another strawberry margarita, and remember to reapply your SPF, HANNAH G.!
Bachelor franchise history is made at this rose ceremony, as Hannah B. is wearing the ugliest fucking outfit I’ve ever seen in my entire life: a backless, Pepto-pink pants jumpsuit, with a built-in necklace-neck thing.
Of course, she gets the last rose. Yawn.
SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
-Fake Australian Bri— g-bye, mate!
-Russian Hello Nina, who I don’t think we have ever seen speak to Colton??
-Catherine aka DJ Aggro :(((
DJ Aggro, fully unbothered, is the one true winner of The Bachelor because she a) is barely containing her excitement at getting cut and b) SHE GETS TO GO HOME WITH LUCY!!!
That’s all, folks! Tune in next week, when we’ll travel to beautiful Singapore (national slogan: “Could Colton Lose His Virginity In Singapore?”) for some sun, fun, and trans-continental sobbing!