Helloooooooooo and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where we deeply apologize for this week’s post title!
It’s Week 4, and the gang is traveling to Singapore. From the episode teaser, it immediately becomes clear that Demi gon Demi REAL hard this week—but she’s not the only one throwing shade: During the announcement of the Singapore trip, Chris Harrison calls Hannah B “Caelynn”. Brutal! I’m here for it.
Colton, whose name I have spelled “Colon” more times than I can count and will certainly publish by accident at least once this season, awaits the ladies in Singapore. The girls cheers to the trip with big ol’ glasses of fruity alcohol. I have been on Whole30 this month, and therefore would open-hand slap any person on the planet for a sip of Mai Thai!!
ONE ON ONE
One-on-one goes to Tayshia! She is super beautiful, and shares Colton’s religious/family-oriented background, so I like them together. They go to a beach, both wearing impeccably-white sneakers, and act surprised when the ocean touches their shoes. Put your feet in the sand, nerds!
Perhaps you, like I, thought the date was lunch on the beach or something. Nope! It is… bungee jumping! And not over a body of water! Just! Um! Right here over the sand, with people’s heads boinging around like 15 feet above THE ACTUAL LAND! I am going to pass out just thinking about it! Colton goes first and lets out a hawk-like shriek that rends my soul from my body.
Bungee guys: “Do you feel more confident after watching him go first?”
Tayshia: “No! He sounded like a little girl!”
…When you’re right, you’re right!
At dinner they discuss Tayshia’s semi-recent divorce from her marriage to her first boyfriend. Cheers to getting back out there, babe! Things don’t always work out how you think they will! Tayshia has one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen, so like, can you stop? JK— you’re killing it, keep killing it! (Also—getchu a man who is not this man! You can do better!!) She gets the rose; they get to go drink champagne in a giant ferris wheel. Beautiful views! Have I mentioned what I would do for an alcoholic beverage!
This week’s group date invitation lists the girls one by one: Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B.
….Which means that Caelynn gets the second one-on-one, and Hannah B. is just HOUSING wine, both to camera and while sitting there in the Girls Circle. HB—you have to stop, gurl! You already got your one-on-one, and even if it wasn’t THE WORST 30 MINUTES OF COLTON’S LIFE, he would not take you out again two weeks later!
The girls stampede toward Colton like the Running of the Bulls in a cool little street market of some sort. From the get, Demi is all over him, bulldozing anyone else who tries to get a word in edgewise. She literally perches herself on his back and makes him carry her around like a spider monkey. Everyone seems annoyed at this, but Courtney in particular is starting to lose it. There are times on this show when I’m like—tough titty, girls, get in there and take him!!—but this is not one of those times—this is Bad Form (which, as Demi has told us 1,582,596 times, she does not care about. Okay!)
Anyway— the group jumps right into exploring, including getting their fortunes told, getting leeches stuck on their arms, and eating some colorful local food. Hannah B’s Alabaman monotone floats into our ears over LITERALLY the whole date, voicing her insecurities about how Colton likes Caelynn better than her, is ignoring her, etc. Ya think? She is nicer and cooler than you. You have said three sentences to Colton at this point:
1. It’s my birthday.
2. Roll Tide.
3. I’M not a manipulative liar, SHE is!!
At the cocktail hour, Colton does some schmoozing and a lot of kissing, while Courtney sits with tears in her eyes for legitimately the entire date because she “doesn’t have a reason to feel comfortable.” Demi tells her to get out of her own head which, honestly, is good advice at this point! The Bachelor is what you make it, boo!
During Demi’s time with Colton, she wipes her completely-dry eyes while talking about her mom being released from federal prison.
Because she’s Demi, about 10 camera-minutes later, she tracks Colton down again to “thank him for their conversation”. This is the last straw for Courtney, who approaches Demi for an extremely forced conversation about how Courtney thinks Demi should be— I’m honestly not sure… helping Courtney talk to Colton? Being more sensitive about Courtney’s feelings?— which yields a truly golden quote from D: “You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.” Yes, this is kind of a dick move, but a) no one should be surprised at this point and b) think of all the different ways you can use this quote! Perfect for parents, coworkers, significant others, encounters with law enforcement— even pets!
My boss: “Carly, it is not appropriate for you to come to work in a large shirt and baggy pajama pants.”
Me: “You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.”
My boyfriend: “Your obsession with dogs has driven an irreconcilable rift between us, and I am moving out immediately. I have rented an apartment starting tomorrow.”
Me: “You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.”
To add insult to injury, Demi gets the group date rose for “opening up”. All the women look like they’re about to rage vomit.
ONE ON ONE
It’s time for Caelynn’s one on one! She is picked up by an adorable old butler-looking dude and meets Colton downstairs. Yes, folks, you guessed right—it’s the worst date of the season—the Human Barbie Doll Shopping Spoil-Me-Elmo Date. They wander around a bunch of boutiques with her trying on gowns, etc. for him. On a rare mid-date break, she shows back up at the house with literal ARMFULS of shopping bags, while all the girls plaster smiles on their faces and try to look like they aren’t internally screaming loud enough to shatter their eardrums.
Caelynn gets all dressed up and meets Colton back out for dinner. On the way over, she tells us that tonight they need to have a tough conversation.
Trigger warning: sexual assault. If you’d rather not read this part, skip down to the green text.
Caelynn’s “opening up” topic is one that I don’t think has been discussed before on the show. She tells Colton a truly horrifying story about how she and three friends attended a party with their male friends, who drugged the drinks and sexually assaulted all the women who passed out from drinking it, including her. They also took pictures of the attack and spread them around social media. After waking up and hearing what happened to her, Caelynn was turned away by the first hospital she went to, and by the time she got to a second hospital, enough time had passed that the tests they ran were inconclusive. Only one of the attackers was punished at all— but by being expelled from school, not being punished through the legal system.
There were no cuts or music during this segment. While it was pretty hard to watch, I’m glad they let her talk. Sexual assault happens ALL THE TIME—statistically, something like this has happened to someone you know—and even after #MeToo, it can be extremely difficult to talk about. I’m sure by now everyone knows about crisis hotlines, but since most of my readers know me in some way, I am ALWAYS here if you need to talk. Whatever happened to you, whether you reported it or not, was not your fault, and you are loved, and you will get through this.
Safe to continue here!
Caelynn gets the rose and Colton seems completely in awe of her. Hannah B. who????
Colton begins the cocktail party by whisking Hannah G. up to, um, his bedroom! They are super flirty, and she remains a frontrunner. Colton wants to make sure everyone knows that he’s not a regular virgin, he’s a COOL virgin, who will straight up dry-hump you in this Singaporean Airbnb. A heavy makeout ensues. Mazel!
Down in the living room, Caelynn decides to be the bigger person and pull Hannah B. aside to chat about their weird tension. When they actually start talking, it’s apparent that they used to be close, which makes me kind of sad. They both apologize for being catty little shits and it seems like they’ve ended up in a place where, while they’re not going to be besties again, they can at least coexist within the boundaries of the mansion.
The producers, watching this conversation:
Courtney and Demi keep sniping at each other, and Demi finally snaps and tells Colton that Courtney is “the cancer of the house”, which seems… excessive. Courtney comes in to defend herself and blasts approximately 36 hours of stewing insecurities directly into Colton’s face. He seems… surprised. Also—have they talked before? I’m Team No One here, but I really can’t remember Courtney and Colton speaking prior to now.
Courtney comes back and throws the “cancer of the house” comment DIRECTLY into the mush pot for everyone to gawk over. They duke it out right there in front of all the girls, most of whom say nothing. I wish I could find a gif of this, but Kirpa is silently laughing so hard that she might be in danger of peeing her pants. This is the only correct reaction and I love her.
SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
Y’all remember Tracy, Wardrobe Stylist? If not—don’t try too hard! She gone, girl!
Unfortunately for Demi’s already-bloated ego, Courtney also goes home. All of Demi’s ~~~haters~~~ sent home in one fell swoop! It’s unclear whether this is because Colton just didn’t talk with either of them much, or because he didn’t like all the drama, but it doesn’t matter—Tropical Storm Demi has been upgraded to a hurricane.
Next week on the Bachelor, the forecast is sunny with a chance of one-on-ones in Thailand for Cassie and Heather, who is very excited about the prospect of losing her Mouth Virginity to Colton! The wonders of this show TRULY never cease!