Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: Thai’d Up In Knots

Good morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathizers, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where this week’s post title is not only a pun about Thailand, but a joke about boats! Because both of the dates take place on boats! Get it??? Thank you.

By way of apology, I will tell you right here at the beginning: there is no rose ceremony tonight! What a fuckin’ drag! However, with the departures of Tracey and Courtney, the girls seem to be getting along much better in the house, which is refreshing. The episode begins without much fanfare as Heather is awarded the one-on-one date card, which reads “Heather— let’s experience something new.”

ONE-ON-ONE
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What is the “something new”?  It’s, um, being in Thailand! They go out on a boat while Heather’s disembodied voice floats overhead, talking about how Colton is The Best and Like Totally Such The Kind Of Guy She Wants. Sorry but, imagine never having made out with anyone! As an adult! If it were me, any particularly bearded-looking cactus could’ve been Totally Such The Kind Of Guy I Want at this point!

Back at the ranch, Elyse starts to spiral because it’s been like two weeks since her one-on-one, and she’s feeling insecure.

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Heather is really leaning into the whole IS IT TIME FOR MY FIRST KISS??? thing, which the producers try to play up by doing 10x zoom shots of Colton’s mouth. Gross! I’m getting strong Lauren Burnham vibes from Heather, in that she’s pretty quiet, very blonde, and trying real hard to be A Super Chill Girl Who’s Like Totally Down For Whatever. Yawn. Anyway, after fake dinner they go down to the water for an awkward beach wander. The evening ends in fireworks, literally and figuratively, when Heather receives— you guessed it— a knee to the groin!

Kidding. She gets her first kiss.

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When she gets home, she tells the girls about her date and the kiss and yadda yadda. Elyse— in a full face of makeup and a floaty white gown (subtle)—flounces out right in the middle of Heather’s story and heads over to Colton’s hotel. Once she arrives, she gives a real wild speech, to the effect of: “I like you so much that I can’t share you and I can’t accept a proposal after 3 months of sharing you with other girls so I have to leave.”

oh no baby

Babe, this was always the premise of the show. Au revoir!

GROUP DATE
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This week’s group date is Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, and Hannah G. The group ventures into a jungle and learns some survival skills from a charming local named Jungle Joe. The first lesson is finding food, which means eating… grubs? Colton and Hannah B. agree to eat one together; HB actually eats this thing, which is fucking HUGE, while Colton fakes and throw it over his shoulder. Kind of a bitch move, dude!

Colton seems shook by the bravery of his remaining conquests. Quote: “Hannah B. ate a bug whole… Nicole stuck her hand in a hole with an eel in it…….Tayshia let a scorpion crawl on her.” Meanwhile, Colton tries to touch a snake, but ends up high-kneesing it to a safe spot 10 feet away.

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The girls are split into teams to see who can find food and water and “survive” the best. HB, HG, and Demi, noting that Jungle Joe never SPECIFICALLY said the food had to come from the jungle, flag down a shuttle and head back to the hotel bar for margaritas. When it comes time to show the fruits of their labor, they pop open a backpack and produce a bottle of prosecco and a platter of cheeseburgers. Colton is thrilled. The other women look…… very upset. Let me be clear— I could not love this any more.

At the after-date party, HB is the first to drop an “I’m falling in love with you”. Drink! Meanwhile, apparently Onyeka needs to talk to Colton and tell him something about Nicole that Elyse told Onyeka before Elyse sent herself home.

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Allegedly, Nicole was saying in the house that she’s only here to find “an opportunity to leave Miami”… which, honestly, would be a dumb reason to put yourself through all this crap, because if you want to move somewhere, you can probably move somewhere? Get that resume out there, gurl! Y’all heard of Indeed.com??

Colton, with all the tact you’d expect from your average white man, pulls Nicole directly aside and recounts these allegations. Nicole seems shellshocked, which is apparently a valid reaction, because back in the Girls’ Circle, Tayshia confirms that she was there for the conversation and that is NOT what was said. I feel like I’m in 6th grade. Anyway, this is… a hot mess. Hannah B. gets the date rose. Also, finish your drink because Nicole is repeatedly insisting that she is here for the right reasons!

ONE ON ONE
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Colton and Cassie venture out on a pontoon boat to a small sandbar “their very own private island”, where they furiously make out. More like Privates Island, amirite? Cassie is either chugging tequila off-camera, or drunk on dryhumping, because she is pleasantly bleary-eyed during the whole date, including dinner. Then, basically out of nowhere, they end up, ah, back at Colton’s hotel, in Colton’s bed?????

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Cassie, with her makeup smeared like it’s 7:15am on November 1st outside the freshman dorms, tells the camera: “He told me he was CRAZY about me!!!!!”

I hate to use the same gif twice in a post, but:

ok guy

COCKTAIL PARTY
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As you probably guessed, we are forced to watch as Nicole and Onyeka volley back and forth about who is Here For The Right Reasons.

Onyeka, to Colton: “I can tell you that I would never, in a million years, call someone ‘mentally unstable.'”
Onyeka, immediately after, to camera: “Nicole is literally psycho.”

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Colton is having a nice talk with someone else when Nicole and Onyeka’s arguing becomes too loud to ignore. He plops down next to them and says something like “I’m just going to sit here, you guys keep talking.” I’m still unclear as to whether or not he was trying to be passive-aggressive with this? Like, did he want them to stop talking, or did he actually want to sit there and observe 40 more minutes of bullshit???

Regardless, after a few minutes, he gets frustrated and walks off toward the beach. Both of them try to follow him, and he says he “needs some time”. While we’re led to believe that this is an international crisis, it’s actually fine! There is nothing wrong with calmly, politely excusing yourself for a minute! It’s okay to spend 5 minutes by yourself! Good God!

Anyway, as I mentioned in the intro because I care about your emotions, the episode ends with no rose ceremony, and with Colton walking along the beach away from camera. One of the women says: “That’s an angry walk…!”, but I think maybe we all just need to hydrate, moisturize, and sleep for 12 hours.

And… that’s all, folks! I’ll see y’all next week for the THRILLING resolution to this cliffhanger! My predictions are: Onyeka is definitely going home, and maybe Nicole too, simply because He’s Just Not That Into Either Of You!

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