Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Vietnamaste, Bitches!

Good morning, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended on a pointless and annoying dramatic cliffhanger, with Colton politely excusing himself from Onyeka/Nicole and going for a walk down the beach. The girls continue chattering nervously about how upset he looks, but to me he just looks like a white dude, walking in the ocean wearing a full suit, including shoes. Annnnd now it’s time for our rose ceremony!

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
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As I predicted last week *insert smug curtsy*, Onyeka and Nicole are both sent home— possibly due to the squabble, but more likely because neither of them spent that much time with Colton and were flagging to much stronger competitors. At least they both get to blame it on each other instead of acknowledging that He Just Wasn’t That Into Them!

GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!
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We’re in Vietnam now, btw. A date card arrives: “Hannah G., we really KNEAD this date.” Colton is clearly obsessed with HG, and who could blame him! With her lethal combination of cute lil personality and looking like a tiny Barbie doll, I’m confident that HG wins it all. The two get massages, facials, and spa treatments, making out for legitimately the whole time, including during the massages, in a mud treatment hot tub of some sort, and in the showers. “Get a room!” I whine from my couch, where I sit rotting in my large socks, totally slathered in zit cream.

Back at home, Caelynn, A BEAUTY QUEEN WHOSE CAREER IS DOING BEAUTY PAGEANTS, tells Cassie that she thinks HG has “gotten by on her beauty for so long” that “there must be something we’re missing.”

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Don’t go down that road, babe, you will not like where it ends!

At dinner, HG and Colton bond over their divorced parents, including the fact that, um, neither of them have – to this day— talked to their parents about why they got divorced?? Sure, my family is a bunch of oversharers with too many feelings, but even so, that seems extremely fucking weird???? As Winston Churchill once said when discussing ABC’s The Bachelor, “Those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it.”

GROUP DATE
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This week’s group date is Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, HB, Sydney, and Demi (Kirpa gets the other one-on-one.) The women will be learning a Vietnamese martial art called vovinam, which Demi will refer to several times as “kung fu.” They practice some exercises with some instructors, then get paired up to spar.

Sydney and Heather get paired up first and, forsaking ALL of the lessons they just learned, engage in what looks like a middle-school slap-fight, complete with high-pitched squealing. Yikes! Everything is going fine, though, until it’s Demi’s turn.

When she isn’t standing completely still, Demi is one of the most awkward contestants I’ve ever seen on the show. It makes me wonder how this girl got her fantastic bod, because she has clearly never done anything even remotely physically challenging, or possibly any type of exercise at all. She can’t even copy the motions when the instructors are standing there showing her!! The workout-adjacent dates, like this one and the pirate one, are the closest we come to seeing behind her perfectly-constructed shield of mascara and blinding narcissism.

So she’s paired up with Katie, who is like, a fitness instructor and also ripped. I can’t say that Demi connected even once, or tbh, even tried to connect. She flailed around while Katie made her into Tween Soup. I almost felt bad, until the fight was over and Demi threw a toddler-tantrum about how Katie allegedly hit her in the face, which was certainly not on purpose if it happened at all. Katie even apologized! The entire date is soured by how clearly upset she is over some dumb martial arts fight that doesn’t matter at all.

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AFTER DATE COCKTAILS
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Colton spends time with Tayshia first, then with Katie, who gets upset and cries because she doesn’t want Colton to think she’s not trying to open up and be present. Colton tells her (and this is a direct quote): “I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t think you’re not trying.”

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Meanwhile, Sydney is getting progressively more agitated about her lack of time with Colton and her not being selected for a one-on-one yet, and approaches him to talk about it. This strategy usually ends in a “Can I walk you out?” and I like Sydney, so I’m happy when it doesn’t.

Demi asks Colton to come sit with her while she calls her mother, who was just released from federal prison, for THE FIRST TIME SINCE SAID RELEASE FROM FEDERAL PRISON. God bless you, girl, you are so nuts and I so love it.

The first curveball of the night comes when Sydney, not satisfied by the weak-ass platitudes Colton offered during their conversation earlier in the night, comes back over and sends herself home. This is a good idea, because she deserves (as do most people!!) a lovely relationship that grows with time and patience, rather than a perverted battle royale that makes a mockery of everything real and good relationships are built on! One her way out, she tells him to find the good people who are left in the house, and not be distracted by “shiny things”.

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ONE ON ONE
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Colton goes out on a boat with Kirpa, to whom I don’t recall him ever speaking on camera, and they play up the “our relationship is developing slower than the others but maybe something is here” angle. If you have to ask, it’s probably not! They scuba dive, chat at fake dinner about how Kirpa was in a relationship with a different adult virgin for 8 years, and have one of the blandest dates I’ve ever seen on this show. She gets the rose. I’m so tired! Let’s all go to bed!!!

SO SHE CREEPED (YEAH)
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Once America’s Large Boy is safely delivered back to his accommodations, Demi does the “sneaky visit to Colton’s apartment” thing, telling the camera that Thailand would be the perfect place for him to lose his virginity!!! He is warm in a way that is almost 100% paternal, and she overcompensates by telling him she’s falling in love with him (drink!)

With a pained expression, Colton tells Demi that he thinks about her a lot, but after hearing that from her, he “doesn’t think they can get there” and doesn’t want to keep her around and hurt her (I’m paraphrasing because my hands were clutched to my face in absolute glee during this whole scene.)

Demi is, for the first time maybe ever, TOTALLY SPEECHLESS. She tries to cry (still largely unsuccessful), then collects herself and says:

Demi: “There are a lot of safe choices left in the house, and since you’re picking one of them, you are not going to be happy in the long run.”
Colton: “I appreciate that.”
Colton: “…Can I walk you out?” [Ed. note: drink!!]

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Demi, to camera, now actually crying but probably just because she’s realizing she will soon have to get on an international flight back to America with 4 oversized suitcases: “It hurts.”
Me, sipping La Croix: “Oh, honey! Wait til you can’t do a squat without your knees cracking!!!”

And with that, one of the Bachelor’s most interesting villains is no more. Pour one out for the homie, who was always nuts and ALWAYS herself, no matter what the cost.

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SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
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Katie, you are no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Bachelor Fiancee For A Period Of Six To Nine Months.

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NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR
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From the preview, everyone is crying a lot and cursing, and it doesn’t look like Hannah G. makes it to hometowns???????

Also:

IT’S FENCE-JUMPING NIGHT, BITCHES!!!!! 

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