Good morning, Bachelor Nation, and welcome to pulls out bullhorn HOOOOOOOMETOOOOOOOOWNS, aka The “WILL THE DADS APPROVE OF COLTON????” Episode. As with at least three other episodes this season, we start off watching Colton in the shower. Do we usually see the bachelor shower this much?!? I feel like we NEVER saw Ben in the shower. Did he not shower, or was he just allowed to shower in peace instead of doing this bobo Playgirl schtick because he’s a software salesman and not a “pro” athlete? Smells like LOOKS-BASED DISCRIMINATION to me!!

Anyway, let’s settle in and get ready to watch one man tell four women’s families, in a span of about two weeks, that their daughter is special, and he is falling in love with her, and he can see a future with her! Now imagine everyone watching this as the episodes come out, many months later!

CAELYNN

Caelynn and Colton wander around awkwardly in Fredericksburg, VA. I feel like I’m watching two freshmen circling each other at a keg party. They get ice cream or something, then head to her family’s house, where a nice backyard BBQ awaits. They have a toast with what I swear is red Kool Aid? We are all 21 here, no?

Caelynn has what I assume is a nice talk with her sister, but I’m too distracted by the sister’s horribly applied fake eyelashes to remember what they said— I mean— these things are so crooked that it looks like her eyes belong to different people.

Her parents seem very sweet, especially her stepdad John who cries and is adorable. Colton asks John’s permission to propose to Caelynn and he says yes. Our first proposal of the season! Precious! I ship it, actually. Then Colton and Caelynn head downstairs into a dark basement and watch old home movies of Caelynn on a projector screen. I’m getting strong “Tom Cruise in the beginning of Minority Report” vibes. Outside, Caelynn says she’s in love with him, because of course.

HANNAH

Did y’all know this Hannah was from Alabama?! I definitely had her pegged as an LA girl. She takes him to an etiquette class to “teach him about the South” and make him into a “proper southern gentleman” before meeting her family, which kind of sounds like a neg. I’m fine with it tho; neg men whenever possible. Her family is also adorable, and they ALL have that tiny lil perfect button nose, of which I am EXTREMELY jealous!!!

Dad takes Colton outside and says: “Whutter yer intentions with muh daughter, man???” He asks her father for permission as well, who seems skeptical but then praises Colton for being brave enough to ask, and says he gives his blessing. Imagine being a white man! Her mom is very sweet and tells her “Go get it, girl!” Hannah G. remains gorgeous, even when crying, which is honestly so fucking rude.

TAYSHIA

Colton is blindfolded and Tayshia drives him to their day activity which is….. skydiving! Even though they are both scared of heights! Absolutely not!!! Colton, in voiceover mode: “God please let me survive this, because I still have to lose my virginity.”

Tayshia’s family is very sweet. At their last one-on-one together, Tayshia billed her dad as “the one who’s going to ask some tough questions”, and again, I support him in that! Some of y’all are a lil too quick to hand off your kid to a stranger from TV!!! Colton and Mr. Adams have some Real Talk on the porch, where Colton is asked “how can you fall in love with more than one person at the same time?” and looks kind of pissed because he doesn’t have a good answer. He then tries to awkwardly transition from non-answering into asking for the hypothetical possibility of Tayshia’s hand in marriage, but her dad says “… I just met you!” LOL! No kidding!!

Tayshia’s brother is able to soften the blow a bit by telling Colton that he works in federal law enforcement and “will hunt [him] down”. Yes! Good! But then Tayshia’s dad talks to Tayshia, and hears that it’s really what she wants, and yadda yadda, which is enough to sway him into saying YES to Colton. So far, America’s Large Boy is 3/3 on “may I have possession of your daughter”s tonight!

CASSIE

We’re in Huntington Beach, where Cassie gives Colton some halfhearted surfing lessons before they head to her parents’ house. I love that the producers spent so much time hyping Tayshia’s dad as the resident hardass, yet Cassie’s dad comes in HOT with what should have been the tagline for this season: “I don’t know much about Colton, but he seems like a guy.”

Regarding a possible upcoming engagement, Cassie tells her sister that she’s “not completely there”, to which her sister sagely responds: “There are, like, hundreds of guys out there.”

Even as a fellow millennial woman who compulsively says “like” more than is necessary, Cassie says “like” so much that I cannot (like) even concentrate on what she is saying. Example: “Today was so important because, like, I wanted Colton to come here and meet you and like, for you to meet him.” Later, her dad tells Colton that he feels it would be a “premature blessing” at this point, because a lot of people take marriage too lightly. Cassie is also the only one who still has not said that she is falling in love with Colton! She is 100% doomed! Goodbye Cassie! [Ed. note: Haha, um, oops!]

ROSE CEREMONY

Hannah G., Tayshia, and Caelynn arrive wearing beautiful formal dresses. Cassie stumbles in like she just came off the fucking beach, wearing a white maxi skirt and matching… short-sleeved… crop top?

For fuck’s sake. Do you know where you are, babe? Can you please put on a fucking dress?

The order of roses is Hannah, Tayshia, and then… to my great surprise… Cassie instead of Caelynn?? Horrible outfit aside, I definitely did not think Cassie was getting a rose. She’s gonna show up to the fucking final rose ceremony in pajamas with her hair still wet! Did she let Rude Tracey start styling her after she got kicked off?? This was an unmitigated disaster, but I am happy for Caelynn’s potential Bachelorette run, as she and Cassie allegedly were already discussing several weeks ago.

Tune in next week to find out whether my boyfriend is correct that Colton takes off running and (FINALLY) vaults the fence because of “performance anxiety” in the fantasy suites! (It can’t be……. right????)

That’s all for this week, folks, but because I love you, I’ll leave you with an exclusive scoop obtained by Carly’s Into That: leaked footage showing Cassie’s outfit, hair, and makeup as she arrives to the fantasy suites!!