HELLO, FRIENDS, AND WELCOME TO THE EPISODE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

IT’S   M O T H E R F U C K I N   F E N C E   N I G H T!

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be a particularly nauseating evening, especially if Colton continues predicting that losing his virginity will be “caring and passionate” and possibly “tender”. Cassie is still wearing her fucking beach outfit as Colton tells the women that this season’s Fuck Rooms will be located in… Portugal!

TAYSHIA

Tayshia goes first and Colton has picked, in keeping with their date themes, a helicopter ride. Then they hang out on a cliff of some sort, drink champagne, and make unoriginal toasts back and forth. Getting ready for dinner, Tayshia says that “intimacy is a really big deal” for her, and that she hopes Colton isn’t nervous. She looks amazing and I WILL be consulting Instagram to see if I can afford that dress. As always, these two are real cute together, joking about working together to keep her boob from popping out of her dress despite the fashion tape. Romance! All jokes aside, Tayshia tells Colton that she waited until marriage to have sex, and also that her husband cheated on her. GIRL, JUST SAY THE WORD!!!!

They head off to the fantasy suites to the sexy sounds of a mischievous, Danny Elfman-style soundtrack. In between some awkward make-out footage, Colton tells us—unfortunately—that he’s “experienced in other ways” and has “been very close” to, um, Doin’ It.

In the morning, Tayshia looks… disappointed. She tells the cameras that she didn’t get the “physical intimacy” that she wanted, and could tell Colton was “very nervous”. I think poor Tayshia is done for—she’s been very open with him and done everything right, and still, he tells the camera that he is… spending the morning thinking about the other two relationships. Big Yikes!

CASSIE

Leading up to this date, Colton says “I want to be in love with Cassie” and “there’s a chance that we could be in love at the end of this episode”. Just like that, huh???

They awkwardly wander around Portugal, but I am NOT seeing or feeling sparks.  She does not even seem like, moderately interested in him. [Ed. note: LMAO @ reading these notes having seen the whole episode…!] Later, Cassie cries when Colton mentions that her dad didn’t give his blessing, and is also upset that Colton didn’t tell her that her dad didn’t give his blessing? Couldn’t your dad have also told you this?? The only good thing about this date is the street dog they showed having a nice snoozle in an alleyway. Him a good boy!

They’re getting ready for dinner when Cassie’s dad shows up to her room— in Portugal!!!— to remind her that marriage is a “second tier commitment to God,” which is, like… a lot. He also says he was not convinced at hometowns that Cassie is in love. Same!!! Dad tells her— how could you know that you love this man in only 6 weeks? And also— why don’t you know!!?? I would think you would know by now!! SMH Dad, which one is it??? Cassie says she knows what she needs to do.

CASSIE, PT 2: THE DUMPSTER FIRE

Cassie, to camera: I have to send myself home tonight.
Colton, to camera: Cassie is the one. I want to be with Cassie.

Colton launches into a speech about how happy he is that she’s here. Cassie is clearly just waiting for a break in conversation to tell Colton that she isn’t ready, and when she finally gets one, you can just see his poor face FALL. She tells him that it should have been more of a problem to not get her dad’s blessing; says “that’s sweet” when he tells her he sees the most potential with her of anyone; and hits him with the classic “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

Cassie tries to leave for the first time; Colton pulls her back inside and is basically pleading for her to stay, which is never a good look. Quoteable quotes include: “I’m not giving up—if we aren’t at the point of engagement at the end, we won’t get engaged”; “I care for you, I love you, I want it to be you at the end of this.”

Cassie is…………….. not into this, and Colton is straight-up panicking. Shaking like a frozen chihuahua, he tells her over and over again that he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her. She has no response other than to say “I don’t know…. I wish I knew……… I don’t know if I can get there with you” like a broken record.

Me, all season: “I wish this season would get interesting!!!”
The season: *gets interesting*
Me:

Finally accepting defeat (at least for now)… he walks her out. He is obviously DEVASTATED. And we thought the fence jump was because he was too nervous and couldn’t perform in the fantasy suites!!! Cassie cries in the limo about how she “wishes she knew”. Grl! You’re 23! It’s okay to not be ready for marriage, howmstever, did you not understand that the entire premise of the show is, um, marriage??? Hard pass on this entire thing. I genuinely think Cassie did not expect to make it even to the top 8, and yet, here we fuckin’ are. Twitter agrees with me:

Colton locks himself in his room for a few minutes, then emerges with a “Fuck all of this, I’m done.” He hits a camera, smashes a glass or something on the concrete, and rips off his mic… all the while heading toward….. THE FENCE!

We hear someone on the crew go “Somebody get Chris!!”; Chris Harrison shows up as though summoned out of thin air and follows Colton all the way to the fence… and finally, after AN ENTIRE SEASON WORTH OF TEASING… he jumps!!!

Chris, aghast: “Did he just jump the fucking fence?”
Chris, immediately soothed by the balm of the ratings this episode will draw: “Is there a button that opens the fence?”

Chris has to wait for the gate to open at a truly glacial pace, then heads out calling Colton’s name along with the rest of the crew. They’re searching for him for a while, and from the preview, it’s clear that we will find him… next week.

TO BE CONTINUED

So… where we can go from here?? After that ghastly display, he definitely cannot propose to anyone else, even if he wanted to, which I think it’s clear he doesn’t. I bet he pulls an Arie and shows up at her house like I WON’T GIVE UP!!!!!! [Note to men: do not do this in real life! That’s not okay! No Means No! Go away!!!!]

So, quick question: am I the only one who thought he didn’t even like Cassie that much, literally up until the moment he was sobbing “I WANT IT TO BE YOU AT THE END!!!!”??? What about Hannah G., who my boyfriend is now referring to as Hannah Plan B?? Will he even go out with her at this point? What will become of poor Tayshia, who we briefly see sitting in her Portugal Airbnb eating fruit and staring wistfully? Is Colton going to pull an Arie and show up at Cassie’s house in California one month later with a full ABC film crew???

Due to the fact that I would rather eat bees than watch Onyeka shout “THANK YOU, NEXT!” at a sobbing Nicole for two hours, I will not be watching or blogging about the Women Tell All episode tonight. So I’ll see y’all back here next week to discuss the FOUR HOUR season finale! Can’t wait!!!!!