After several off-months during which Bachelor/ette fans get to spend two hours on Monday nights doing whatever the fuck we want… THE “WAIT” IS FINALLY OVER! Chris Harrison ominously warns us to “get ready for a Bachelorette like we’ve never had before!” This season’s
victim lead, Hannah Brown (of perfect smile, hair, brows, bod, and spray tan) waxes poetic about how she’s not perfect but is still Searching For Love. I’m already getting strong Not Like Other Girls vibes from Hannah, which makes me feel a lil bit sweaty. Nevertheless, I persist. #brave
The following eight dudes receive bios at the beginning of the show, suggesting (although not guaranteeing, as we’ll see later!) that they may be successful this season:
Tyler C., one of Hannah’s few Floridians, introduces himself with a very Flashdance-esque shirtless routine on a construction site. Points for originality?? He seems like the kind of harmless goof that Hannah might love. Also points for having a very cute dog.
Peter the pilot, who IMO should be eliminated immediately on grounds of too much alliteration. JK, he seems like a mild/sweet guy. His dad is a pilot and mom is a flight attendant, so he seems to be searching for an equally-twee love story. Also, he looks like if Colton was more into reading than football. Maybe a plus for ol’ HB??
Mike, a veteran who lives in Dallas and now works in a fancy-finance-sounding job. I’m an absolute sucker for shit like this, so call me biased, but he brings flowers to his grandma and asks for her advice and I’m a MESS. I like Mike.
Joe, whose name I have repeatedly typed as Joke, and who is referred to in all of my notes as “Grocery Joe Clone.” Like Grocery Joe, he is named Joe, is from Chicago with the accent to prove it, is extremely passionate about his family business, and is my #EyebrowGoals. I’m one episode away from becoming a Chicago Joes Conspiracy Theorist.
Matt Donald’s opener features footage of him feeding cows and saying “this is as close as I get to taking girls out to dinner!” I’ll be honest—I thought this was cute last night, but seeing it typed out just makes me feel sad in my heart. Matt! You’re a nice looking, regular ol’ dude! Buy a new oxford and take a bitch to Chili’s! I believe in you!!!
Connor J. is every bit the car salesman, both professionally and interpersonally. He’s a bit……. smarmy. He seems nice enough and “family-oriented” which is one of Hannah’s favorite buzzwords, but I personally am not feeling it.
Luke P. currently lives in a small town in Georgia, but my Florida spidey senses were dinging like church bells and it turns out I was correct. Luke uses his bio to brag about how much the ladies loved him and how much ass he was getting—UNTIL!
He had “an encounter with God”—in the shower. I swear to, well, God. Anyway, apparently God told him to stop being such a handsome ladykiller and Settle Down. I believe Luke is 24, so God was clearly just fucking with him, but alas, here we still are.
LIMOS ARE HEEEYA
Out of the limos, in consecutive order, are:
–Garrett, who is cute and also from Alabama. Possibly Matt Bomer’s smalltown cousin??? (do not fact ever check this blog, thanks)
–Mike (veteran who got a bio)
–Jed from Nashville, working a Sexy Megamind vibe
–Tyler C. (Flashdance)
–Dylan, wearing a fuckin’ offwhite tux jacket with shiny lapel, as though he came straight to set from his gig as the maître d’ at an upscale restaurant. I’ll have a sparkling water, please!
-Someone did a “jumping over the fence for you bit”, which is both trite and irrelevant because HANNAH WAS ALREADY GONE WHEN THE FENCE HAPPENED! I was too annoyed to write down Fence Guy’s name. Sorry.
–John Paul Jones tells Hannah, “I’m John Paul Jones, but my friends call me John Paul Jones.” UGHHHHH GO FUCK YOURSELF! JPJ looks and sounds like a combination of Buffalo Bill, and an 80s teen movie villain. Go back to pushing nerds down the ski slope and laughing at them in front of the cheerleaders, my dude.
–Brian: Cute, but SO awkward!
–Scott, who was unmemorable (FOR NOW! Insert ominous cackle)
-Entrances from Matteo, Daron, Thomas, and Matthew are nice and tame…
-Then, of course, here comes Box Guy Joe, who has literally packaged himself into a giant box—complete with packing peanuts—and had himself delivered on a forklift. What’s in the box???? Well. It’s, um, Joe. I stan an Entrance Kween, until he bursts out, makes a joke about packages, and introduces himself to Hannah as “Joe the Box King.
That’s over, that’s canceled.
-Someone fucking brought Hannah a BABY CARRIER WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN IT. Per Google, that someone was Joey. What an absolute rollercoaster of emotions I felt during those 45 seconds! Bringing a lady a baby carrier on your first meeting: creepy. Bringing a lady a bottle of champagne, in a baby carrier, as a joke: I LOVE IT!
I also love watching a bunch of dudes make fun of the other dudes’ entrances, especially Mike, who is a perfect combo of amused/annoyed/in disbelief at the foolery taking place at the gates.
Perfect example: Grant laments the fact that tonight is such a “sausage party”, approaching Hannah while eating a hotdog and carrying mustard. This is rude, but only because he didn’t bring Hannah her own hotdog. Can you imagine how starving that poor girl must be, standing there in skintight sequins and heels for like 6 fucking hours? INCONSIDERATE! Side note: Grant’s entire demeanor tonight is that of someone using large quantities of—how should I say this?—cocaine. Maybe share some of that too! It’s gonna be a long night!!
-Next comes Luke “Showering With Jesus” P., and Hannah is, predictably, bout it.
–Cam (for reasons that do not become apparent tonight) received a rose on After The Final Rose and is thus immune from elimination tonight. This is unfortunate, because he comes out of the limo trying desperately to, um, rap. Cam, please do not do that ever again. I know you’re going to. But please. Think of the children.
–Old Matt Donald also provides us with a cringeworthy musical experience, performing his namesake hit song for children, but with the lyrics changed to “with a bro-bro here, and a bro-bro there” and something about how he hopes Hannah will notice him amongst all the bro-bros. Truly furious that the producers have chosen not to share Mike’s reaction to this entrance, I chug warm Pinot Grigio out of the bottle.
-I was so impressed by the calm, quiet hotness of Chasen that I have named my Bachelorette fantasy team Chasen That Ass in his honor. Chasen is also a pilot, and generously goes along with the hilarious joke that there might be a Pilot Competition between him and Peter Pilot, who looks 12.
MY BOYFRIEND OF 4 YEARS, DO NOT READ THIS:
Chasen, call me!!!!!!!!
-Of course Peter Pilot comes in next, wearing like, the entire fuckin pilot outfit that he wears to fly planes. Trying too hard, my sweet! Dial it back! Be like Chasen! God, can every man be like Chasen?
That’s all 642 of the men, so we head inside to the…
Hannah gives the men her standard speech about how she’s Not Perfect But She Is Real, and she wants them to also be Real. The sentence is barely out of her mouth when Luke grabs her and takes her aside first. Everyone is upset, as though this is not how all previous 22 seasons have also begun.
Hannah rotates through the men, sharing her first kiss of the season with Cam, who has the overconfidence of a much hotter and more interesting man.
Back inside, the guys (with OF COURSE no nudging from the producers) have a discussion about how “if you’re trying to hide something during this process… it will come out!!!” Outside, a white van pulls up.
*extremely Brad Pitt voice* WHAT’S IN THE VAN???
It’s Hannah’s Bachelor friends Demi and Katie, who are here to perform recon because one of the guys allegedly has a girlfriend and is on the show for The Wrong Reasons (drink!)
Someone on the premises, Hannah is talking to Box King Joe, who literally says: “I can make any type of box!” I’m crying. Sweet Joe. On a related note, Hannah’s own personal box is permanently sealing itself shut. Then it’s time for the big reveal: who could the Asshole-With-Girlfriend be?!? Luke “Showering With Jesus” P.? Hot Pilot Chasen? Box King Joe????
Wrong. It’s Scott, to whom she has barely spoken. She pulls him outside and is all, “why are you here if you had a girlfriend on Monday??” and he’s all “sure, I was talking to a girl on Monday, but it wasn’t serious, and if you want to be this mad at me, I guess that’s fine—“
EXCUSE ME, SIR! “IF SHE WANTS TO BE THIS MAD AT YOU?”
God help the woman Scott was planning to crawl back to after being eliminated. He is unceremoniously booted, as he deserves.
Hannah is pissed and tells the men she needs a minute. Of course, Luke follows her out to the pool EVEN THOUGH SHE ASKED FOR A MINUTE, but she seems to like it, because what are boundaries anyway?? Later in the evening, she will give him the first impression rose as a reward for not listening to her. They make out and he looks like he’s trying to eat her.
Budding Serial Killer John Paul Jones tells the camera: “My palms are sweaty.” Sir, if I may be so bold as to inquire— are your knees weak? Arms heavy? Any vomit lingering on your sweater, possibly with notes of an Italian dish prepared by a family member?
He was right to be nervous, because he gets the last rose over MANY better husband prospects, INCLUDING HOT PILOT/MY FUTURE HUSBAND CHASEN!! I am OVERCOME WITH EMOTION!!! Also, pissed because my Fantasy team is definitely fucking doomed to be haunted by a Hot Pilot Ghost!!!!! It’s gonna be an interesting season.
SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
Box King Joe; Old Matt Donald; Brian; Chasen (AGAIN, PLEASE CALL ME); Hunter; Ryan; and Thomas. We hardly knew ye, some less than others (who is Ryan?)
Lest we forget: it is literally the morning when our losers are ushered out of the mansion. Not like 5am morning either, like, 9am, with birds chirping and FULL sun. ABSOLUTE HELL!
HEY REAL QUICK, WHAT HAS THE KID FROM LOVE ACTUALLY WHO ALSO PLAYED JOJEN REED IN GAME OF THRONES BEEN UP TO??
So glad you asked!
NEXT WEEK ON
Will Luke go full Florida Man? Will someone fart in the hot tub? Will Chasen finally DM me back on Twitter and stop responding with coded messages like “How did you find my house?”; “Please stop texting my mother”; “You’re scaring me”?? Find out next Tuesday on Carly’s Into That— the only Bachelorette recap blog in the entire world™!