Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where we broke the sacred amulet and are being eternally punished love everything about the Bachelor franchise!

FIRST GROUP DATE

If you love watching men physically hurt as much as I do, you probably enjoyed last night’s episode! Mike, Jed, Always Be Cam, JPJ, Matteo, Jonathan, Kevin, and Tyler C. roll up to a faux-hospital room, where Jason Biggs is assisting his wife in giving pretend-birth. Bet you never thought you’d read THAT sentence! Anyway, the point of today is that being a woman is hard and complicated. Ya think? To prove that point, the men sit at desks and are asked various questions about the female body.

Y’all, this was a mess. Tyler C. says: “I don’t know much about pregnancy, except that the belly gets bigger and bigger, and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier.” Is he 12?? I CANNOT. Unsurprisingly, Jed is literally the only man out of the group who knows How Babby Is Formed. Some example questions and answers from this portion:

Q: What body part does a woman grow during pregnancy?
A: Uterus; ovary; placenta (correct answer, only Jed got it)

Q: What is a woman’s gestational period?
A: Most of the men correctly answered 9 months, except for Cam, who said TWO WEEKS! Clearly he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “gestational”, but also, what was he thinking of? Gettin’ ya period?? Which also doesn’t happen every two weeks??? Bless! This! Mess! Mike smugly tells the camera: “I’m not surprised that Cam is having trouble with questions about the female anatomy.”

Now it’s time for the labor simulator, which is hilarious. Jed is adorable, incorporating some Lamaze breathing; Tyler poses, grabbing Hannah around the waist with one arm and flexing the bicep of the other; JPJ wriggles and shrieks with his eyes so wide that it looks like they might pop right out. Pretty upsetting!

GROUP DATE COCKTAIL PARTY

Hannah is definitely into Jed (lawful good), which is hilarious because she’s also into Luke P. (chaotic evil) who, IMO, is absolutely going to win. Anyway, she has a really good conversation and a nice rooftop makeout with Jed. Meanwhile downstairs, Cam is telling the other men that ACTUALLY, he has had the LEAST time with Hannah and deserves MORE time (despite crashing a date to which he was not invited and stealing time from men who were specifically there because Hannah wanted them to be there.) Always Be Cam-plaining, amirite??

Mike and Hannah talk about how the date today brought up some feelings for Mike, whose ex had a miscarriage. Hannah can relate, because she also had one before, and it’s a very sweet/sad/vulnerable moment for the two of them… So of course, Cam barges right in, literally in the middle of the two of them TALKING ABOUT PREGNANCY LOSS, and informs Mike that he has to tell Hannah something that’s Very Important. Mike, who just took a DNA test and is 100% Not The One To Fuck With, tells him “I’ll let you know when I’m done, please step outside.” As you can imagine, it’s extremely hard to have any conversation—much less a serious conversation— with some fucking asshole slamming the door back open and standing there looking like he just CANNOT wait to explain how bitcoin works. During his third interruption in as many minutes, Cam says: “Sorry man, I just HAVE to cut in right now, it’s really important”. Naturally, Mike does what only a true petty king could, and gives Hannah a big, sexy kiss while Cam stands in the doorway, color draining from his face.

What could Cam’s Very Important Announcement be? Is he currently bleeding to death and Hannah has the only cell phone on premises with which to call him an ambulance? Does he have three weeks left to live? Unfortunately, neither of the above. Cam’s Very Important Announcement is: he had to quit his job—which he worked very hard to get— to pursue this “journey”. Cam, I’m 0% joking when I say: I hope you get punched right in your face EVERY DAY for the rest of your life, which you will not spend being married to Hannah, or to anyone.

Then Jonathan, a true hero, takes one for the team and interrupts CAM’s time with Hannah, refusing to leave and repeating things like “you had your time”, “it’s my turn”, and “that’s what you get” (lol). I don’t think he’s winning any points with Hannah, but I also don’t think he cares that much, and I love him all the same.

ONE-ON-ONE

Connor received a date card inviting him to go sailing with Hannah, but unfortunately it gets canceled because Hannah is sick. Instead, he’s invited to come over to her hotel suite and just hang out, which is honestly a cute “date” and a good measure of what it would be like to date someone in the real world. They hang out for a bit on her bed and chat until she’s too tired. On his way out, he leaves her a cute little Post-It scavenger hunt of “all the things he loves about her.”

After returning to the mansion and having several boring conversations with the other men, a limo driver shows up looking for Connor. He actually gets invited BACK out of the mansion for a dinner date, which I guess means Hannah’s wellbeing has improved dramatically from earlier in the day and/or she really liked the Post-Its! Connor is cute and nice, despite his extremely-annoying vocal fry, and he gets the rose at dinner.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT TYLER G.

Y’all may have noticed that Tyler G., of last week’s helicopter and mudding date, was mysteriously absent from this week’s episode. You also may not have noticed! I didn’t, until Hannah went on camera before the next group date and said [and I’m paraphrasing] “Yadda yadda, it’s been a tough week, what with me being sick and then Tyler G. having to leave, which was unfortunate, but now it’s time for the next group date with some awesome dudes!”

Bish, whet? Where he go???

The show does not mention Tyler G. a single other time during the whole episode, but per the internet, he was removed from the show by production for being a REAL fucking creep! Here is the hot goss, which includes rumors of him being an “extreme misogynist” and, while on vacation with an ex girlfriend, SPITTING ON HER and leaving her there! Charming!

SECOND GROUP DATE

The second group date is a photoshoot where the men will be styled to match… DIFFERENT LIL ANIMALS!!! I love this. I was so excited by this that I don’t even know who the men are on this date, but I DO know that the animals included: a tiny dog (possibly French bulldog), a mini horse in exercise sweatbands and wristbands, an alpaca, a snake, and one of those naked dogs with no hair. [Ed note: I googled and the participants for this date are: Garrett, Luke P., Devin, Grant, Joey, Pete, Dylan, and Luke S.]

Since The Bachelor is ABE (Always Being Extra), Demi is here again and is spying on the men through hidden cameras while the cute makeup artist hits on them. Love it! Of course, most of the men are not idiots and see right through this, as their every move/shower/shit/shave has been videotaped for two entire weeks now, and none of them fall for it. The photoshoots are very cute, except that Luke P. is following Hannah around like the cloud in the Zoloft commercial, constantly pestering her for more time/attention/topless massages. Hannah is starting to get it, but she’s not 100% there. Probably not even 20% there. I JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, GOD DAMNIT.

POST-DATE COCKTAIL PARTY

At the post-date hangout, Hannah actually takes Luke aside and calls him out for being cocky and not respecting her other relationships. Per usual, he looks angry and interrupts her the entire time, and she’s all “I like you, but you have to stop doing that” [“that” presumably meaning “literally everything you have done except making out with me”.]

Well, y’all know Luke P., that sweet lil whippersnapper. He’s very perceptive and truly upset that he’s hurt Hannah this way. He backs way off, going upstairs and taking some time to himself to really reflect on how his behavior have affected Hannah. He also calls his therapist for some help in making a concrete plan of action, to help him be more positive and supportive to Hannah’s journey moving forward.

SIKE!

Luke, a dumb asshole with the emotional intelligence of Swiss cheese, returns to the group, relays what Hannah said, and then says… and I quote… that he “doesn’t see her seeing him that way” and “is going to pretend like the conversation didn’t happen.”

Oops! You said the quiet part out loud! He, of course, tries to interrupt Hannah during a conversation with someone else and she tells him to go away.

Q: Luke, baby, what is you doing?!
A:

TAILGATE PARTY

In lieu of a pre-ceremony cocktail party this week, Hannah has requested a tailgate party because she wants to keep things light and just have some fun. Also, in lieu of continuing to work on my anger issues with my therapist, I am going to put Always Be Cam’s head through a window. He gathers all of the men pre-tailgate and basically requests that no one talk to Hannah until he has time to talk to Hannah, because he really has to tell her something SOOOooOoOOoOoOo important— “something that’s probably even too much for her to handle, and she’s probably going to send me home from it, but she deserves to know.”

The men pause for a moment, then all laugh as Mike says, “Uh… no.”

Official Carly’s Into That Poll: What is Cam’s Second Very Big And Dramatic Announcement, since apparently “having to quit his job to come here” (just like 90% of all contestants ever) wasn’t enough to earn Hannah’s sympathy???

A. Has filled Mother’s entire basement with toenail clippings he stole from the neighborhood salon’s dumpster
B. Celebrity crush is the purple Teletubby (Tinky Winky)
C. Can only achieve an erection by listening to “In The Arms Of The Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
D. Had to have surgery a few years ago

If you picked D—why?? The other options were so much more fun!! But alas, you’re correct. Cam has prepared his very own Series of Unfortunate Events, which he recounts to Hannah while desperately trying to cry. First—he hurt his leg and “almost had to have an amputation” (but ultimately didn’t.) Then, his grandma died. Then, he had to have leg surgery, which meant he had to REHOME HIS 10-MONTH OLD PUPPY. If you look closely, you can see the desperate look in his eyes that says, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????” as well as the hostage-esque look in Hannah’s that says, “Jesus Christ, I just want to go play cornhole and drink a Mich Ultra, can someone please save me??”

Luckily, Mike does, and also tells her that Cam confessed to the guys that he was going to tell her a sad story in hopes of getting a “pity rose”. Hannah is all, “the fuck?” and while we didn’t see Cam say that on camera, I 100% believe Mike because Cam is just enough of a shady psycho to try some shit like that. Hannah, ever the mediator, fact checks this information with Cam, who tries his best to look offended and shocked. It’s a swing and a miss for me, dawg.

Before the group date rose, Hannah pulls Luke P. aside AGAIN, and warns him that he needs to really fix himself and stop metaphorically peeing all over her leg in front of the other men, because she really likes him, but this behavior is unacceptable. She tells the camera—“I’m starting to see some small red flags.”

SMALL????????

While good in theory, in practice Hannah’s speech has all the gravitas of when I tell my dog that if she eats ONE MORE LIZARD, so help me god!— I will take her RIGHT back to the shelter, because that is SEW GROSS!!—and then I kiss her little head and floof her ears and help her get her blankie situated just how she likes it because she’s a good girl. Luke P. is not going anywhere and we all know it.

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE

“Who the fuck was that?” – me during this entire ceremony

Hannah’s dress tonight isn’t bad— a sparkly garnet number— but she matched her lipstick to it, and paired it with an awful necklace that looks like it’s made from hematite (#90sBaby) for an overall look of Freshman Invited To Senior Prom.

Please join me in saying goodbye to:
-Joey (who??)
-Jonathan, the hero we deserved
annnnnnd
-ALWAYS BE CAM!

More like ALWAYS BE CALLING A LYFT, amirite, my good binch??? Haha, I’m just kidding… you can walk home, you rude little douchebag. Truly couldn’t be more excited to see a mediocre man discover that, sometimes, being yourself is just not enough! Always Be Crying About How Life Isn’t Fair! Always Be Condescending! Always Be Cocky For No Reason Because She Didn’t Even Like You And You’re Lucky The Producers Made Her Keep You Around For Three Whole Weeks Before They Got Bored!

Ahem.

Tune back in next week to see remaining villain Luke P. completely Lose His Shit and start threatening other contestants, gesticulating wildly, and generally spraying toxic masculinity like a broken fire hydrant! #FLORIDA!