Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: The Luke Ness Monster

hello

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where our true joy is watching grown men squabble like toddlers in a sandbox! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended with no rose ceremony, so we’re picking up right where we left off: at the extremely uncomfortable cocktail party.

Hannah pulls the Lukes aside and tells them to talk to each other. She sits between them for ~3 minutes, watching them bicker and making this face:

hannah face

…Then gets up and walks away, as she should, because this is soooooooo tired.

ROSE CEREMONY
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Hannah does a lil speech about how she is a strong woman and ready to make the choices she needs to make. She picks up a rose and—oop! Luke S., clearly knowing that he is about to get the ol’ snip-snop, asks if he can talk to her real quick first. He tells her—blah blah blah, Luke P. bad, please make good choices, me good, but also me leaving—and sends himself home. The first good thing he’s done all season! Au revoir, Luke S.! Send me a bottle of that tequila!

Lest we think that a self-elimination means one fewer man will have to leave, Chris Harrison shows up and takes away a rose, so she still has to send home the same number of people.

one lesss

Thank you, JPJ, and god bless Bachelorette Twitter. Y’all keep me sane.

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
rose

Twitter mourned the loss of JPJ and his flowing locks; Matteo is also sent home, to which most of us said: “Who?”

After the departures, Luke P. (now the Singular Luke) makes a toast that’s basically “Here’s to everyone, but actually only to Hannah, because that’s why we’re all here and also I hated all of you first”.

All the guys:
ok rapper gif

Anyway, the remaining men are heading to Inverness, Scotland. JPJ and Matteo must be PISSED— how much would it suck to get cut right before everyone else gets to go to fucking Scotland?!?

*AGGRESSIVE BAGPIPE MUSIC*
rose

The men, magically in Scotland, show up at a bar to meet with Hannah. Luke says something like “I’d rather be with Hannah than with all these dudes”, which, no fucking duh, but at least the rest of the dudes are basically cool with one another and can hang out. You can’t! Because you suck and everyone hates you and thinks you’re a clown!

Hannah shows up and selects MIKE for a one-on-one! Finally!

ONE-ON-ONE WITH DARLING MIKE
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These two are so frickin cute together. They go wandering around Inverness, try a super sour local candy, go to a whiskey tasting, and— upon a super-misleading recommendation from an old English guy at a pub— eat haggis. Hannah is desperately trying to focus her eyes after drinking the same amount of whiskey as Mike, a man twice her weight, and a Scottish bartender. I’m sure the whiskey didn’t hurt here, but the two of them can’t stop smiling when they’re together.

Dinner is nice too, and they talk about how they both spent a lot of time focusing on relationships instead of self-fulfillment/happiness. Mike tells her that it took him a long time to get over his ex but how he is ready and can see himself proposing to her (!!!) I know Mike is not going to win, but CAN WE PLEASE HAVE MIKE FOR BACHELOR???? He is a dear darling and I would protect him with my life. He gets the date rose.

GROUP DATE
rose

Back at the hotel, Luke takes a somber walk around the mansion while all the other dudes sit in a circle and wax poetic about how much he sucks. Listen, I know this is what y’all are supposed to do, and the producers wouldn’t let you NOT do this, but what Luke would hate THE MOST is if you just ignored him??

Anyway, the group date card arrives and includes Peter, Jed, Devin, Garret, Dustin, Kevin, Tyler, and Dylan… that’s right, everyone except Luke! I’m so done with Hannah at this point. She’s like “UgGgGhHhHh I’m So Tired Of Luke’s Crap!” and then gives him one of the two most coveted dates of the week!?! You’re teaching him that his bullshit is okay, every single day.

cat no

At the group date, the men compete in the Highland Games, which includes such competitions as milk carrying, axe throwing, and, um, wrestling while wearing kilts with no underwear??? There were a LOT of censor boxes in this episode. Dylan: “My mom is going to be upset that so many people saw my butt!” Really, Dylan? The butt is what you’re worried about here? In a power move that makes everyone else mad, Jed asks if he can wrestle with Hannah instead, and lets her pin him down for a kiss. Peter shone during the yak milk carrying; Tyler was the only one to land an axe; but Jed won the competition overall, and receives the deed for 1sf of Scottish land, which he shares with Hannah. Mazel to the happy couple.

COCKTAIL PARTY
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Jed and Hannah are upstairs talking about their newfound land ownership, which quickly turns into a serious makeout. Kevin, hoping against hope that perhaps it might be HIS turn to get climbed like a tree, slowly makes his way up the stairs. He sees them going at it, and is basically trapped mid-stair, not sure of whether to continue on or give up. Very relatable, Kevs.

kevin

Next, Hannah plays a round of pool with Peter Pilot, who sweeps all the balls to one side and, um, lifts her up onto the pool table to—you guessed it!—make out. Unfortunately, he is extremely awkward and grinning like a 12yo who’s about to see his first boob for the duration of the makeout, including when he bonks her damn head on the pool table’s overhead light.

Afterwards, Peter tells the camera: “It was so hot and sexy and all the things I want!” and god bless him, I think he really MIGHT have been about to see his first boob??

Lest we think that Hannah is going to end the group date without jumping on the Tyler Train, she pulls him aside last. They talk for a bit, then she says: “I have something for you!”
-It’s a bed
-It’s dry humping on the bed

Surprise!

Let me be clear real quick that I’m 100% in support of Hannah making out with literally every dude on the show, should that be what her little heart desires. It’s exhausting to see male leads continually get hot and heavy with almost every contestant, while female leads generally do pop-kisses with everyone except like, 2 dudes. I’m all about EQUALITY in the Bachelor Nation.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE WITH FUCKING LUKE
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Luke joins the rest of the guys in the living room to accept his date card. You ever walk into a room where you know everyone was just talking shit about you? Exactly that. He scoffs, “I heard you guys had to wear kilts.” Luke’s date card says: “Let’s figure this out one way or another.” Romance!

I’m going to present this date to you in highlight form, because otherwise my head will explode, but the gist is: Hannah is flat-out begging Luke to give her a reason to keep him around, and he’s playing stupid and gaslighting her. Fantastic!

  • Hannah: “I don’t get why the other guys don’t like you!” Babe, it’s because they aren’t so deeply sexually attracted to him that they’re willing to overlook HIS ENTIRE PERSONALITY. Next question! Per Luke, though, it’s because of the Luke S. thing, which is hilarious because everyone hated him by like, midway through week 2??
  • Luke: “I don’t get it either! I’m not saying this to brag, but… everywhere I’ve ever been, every school, whatever, everyone has always loved me!” Ohhh okay, so it’s just a coincidence that everyone here, in this place, thinks you’re the Antichrist? Got it, cool cool.
  • Hannah gets so frustrated that she leaves the cliff area (PUSH HIM OFF! PUSH HIM OFF!) and goes to talk to the producers, asking THEM if they can get Luke to tell her how he feels. Babe! This is a sinking ship! Find a lifeboat in Tyler’s kilt, and jump on it!
  • Hannah: “I want to know the real stuff about you! Do you like spaghetti or mac and cheese more???”

nick young

  • After trying and failing to squeeze even one feeling out of Luke, Hannah gives up and just keeps repeating “Okay, let’s just go look at this castle now.”
  • At dinner they talk about how today was, um, not great! And Luke finally says—well, it’s because he’s been trying to be too perfect—BECAUSE HANNAH HASN’T BEEN THE SAME AS SHE WAS IN THE BEGINNING! Because—you guessed it—the other guys are so awful and stressing her out and now she’s “different”. I AM GOING TO EAT A HOLE IN MY COUCH.

big bird gif

  • They spout a bunch of doodoo at each other about “being real” (this season’s Buzzword) and who is “being real” and not “being real”. Hannah finally says: “You just aren’t really saying anything when you talk.”
  • Luke, with dead shark eyes per usual, says: “I love everything about you, even your flaws”, like some horrible pickup-artist Real Doll, and Hannah laughs in his face.

The episode ends with Hannah saying “I can’t give you this rose,” but she doesn’t ACTUALLY not give him the rose, and I think we all know that she is going to give him the damn rose.

tantrum

I’ll see y’all back here in one week, to find out how Crazy Luke weasles his way back into Hannah’s heart, and probably into hometowns, and into fantasy suits, and then wins. Luke is going to win! I am going to eat a wine glass!

rose

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