Hello friends, and welcome to the recap of the worst Bachelorette episode ever— which, ironically, was 50% a recap itself!
I am Big Mad, and if you watched the episode, you already know why. If you didn’t: the episode was maybe one hour of Hannah/dudes/dating content… and an hour of Chris Harrison and Hannah PLAYING CLIPS OF ALREADY-SEEN FOOTAGE AND DISCUSSING THEM!
Why??? We saw Scott get sent home on the first night for having a girlfriend as of the previous Monday! We cringed through Cam gunning for a pity rose by telling Hannah that he had to rehome his puppy because he was having leg surgery! WE WERE THERE! We are halfway through the season and y’all spent FUCKING HALF OF LAST NIGHT on “After the Final Rose”-style bullshit??? AFTR FUCKING SUCKS. HOW DARE YOU!!!
Wow. I’m really mad, and because of how mad I am, I will not acknowledge the existence of the last HALF!!! of the episode, after this paragraph. Here is my recap of last night’s special one-hour episode of The Bachelorette, which ended at 9PM EST.
BACK IN HELL, AKA, LUKE’S DINNER DATE
As we briefly saw at the end of last week’s episode, Hannah uses her Serious Voice to tell Luke: “I can’t give you this rose.” Hannah is full of shit up to her eyeballs, but she does not give him THIS rose, so she is TECHNICALLY not lying.
Luke: “Does that mean I’m going home?”
Hannah: “Yes. And I want you to respect my decision.”
Luke, 20 seconds after leaving the date with no rose: “Nothing will cloud my mind from pursuing Hannah.”
Because boundaries do not exist on this show, Luke makes a U-turn and shows back up to where Hannah is presumably eating her actual dinner, off camera. She’s all, “what are you doing here?” and he’s all, “This is my fault and I’m sorry!!!”, which should be understood to mean “I apologized so now I get whatever I want, right?”
Well, yes! You do! Luke throws Hail Mary after Hail Mary in an attempt to save his own ass, telling Hannah he wants to marry her and he’s so sorry and he’s crazy about her. Back at the mansion, the men are hoping that an assistant will be showing up to grab Luke’s bags, but— of course— it’s Luke.
He didn’t get the date rose, but doesn’t go home. (Serious question— is this allowed???) Hannah is lying to herself like only a 24 year old can.
Once when I was 24, I was sleeping over at my then-boyfriend’s house, and another woman left a 4-page handwritten breakup note under his windshield wiper in the middle of the night, which we found together upon exiting the house in the morning! He told me they hadn’t been involved since we started seeing each other 8 months prior, and had no idea why she would write him a letter like this, but it’s probably because she’s CRAZY, you know how women are CRAZY right? So I murdered him right there in the driveway and now I’m in jail.
Kidding! I bought it, and then I bought him breakfast at the Village Inn, because he was 32 and constantly broke on top of being a pathological liar and career psychopath. Whew! I’m really working through some stuff today! I should share this blog with my therapist!
Anyway, this is all to say that no woman should ever speak to a man before she is at least 30 years old. In the words of the prophet G-Eazy, “it ain’t safe.”
GOING TO THE CHAPEL AND HE’S, GONNA BE DELU-SIO-NAL
Luke shows up at a random chapel somewhere and prays. In the confessional, he tells us that he is excited to continue pursuing his “future wife”.
God, this part was also awful.
Garrett asks Hannah if Luke talked about any of the other men on his 1-1 date with her, which is a bad look. Garrett runs back and tattles, demanding that Luke explain why he was talking about other dudes. Luke says: “Yes, I talked about Mike, Dylan, and Devin, in the course of talking about the day yesterday and working things out.” Because men are SO annoying, the room explodes and everyone is all, “Why were you talking about me?!?! Blah blah blah!! I’m so fragile in my relationship with Hannah that I know all it would take is one bad word from Eventual Winner Luke to topple the whole damn thing to the ground!”
Hannah comes in with the intention of breaking things up, but (surprise!) just ends up defending Luke, saying that he talked about the other guys because she asked him about them. After she leaves, they back to bickering: “You talked about me!” “No I didn’t!” “Yes you did! I know you did!”
Hannah, fuming, chugs champagne in a badly-lit side room with a producer until she can’t take it anymore. She comes back AGAIN and begs the men to focus on themselves and stop focusing on Luke, because she is a grown-ass woman and she can figure it out and it isn’t their business. I will figure this shit out for myself, worry about you. Frustrated, she cries: “This is taking up all my time and not advancing any of my relationships!” That’s just how I feel about this whole fuckin episode, Hannah! Anyway, it’s finally time for the rose ceremony.
Garrett: “I take some of the blame for tonight. I might be in jeopardy.”
Luke: “Tonight was 100% Garrett’s fault.”
SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
Tonight we say goodbye to all of the remaining men whose name end in “evin”: Devin, Kevin, and Grantevin. Sayonara, boys!
For our purposes, the episode is now over! Tune back in next week to find out what Hannah “gave” to “someone she thought was going to be her husband,” and why she now refers to herself as “damaged”! I bet it was, um, a piece of gum. Right?