Welcome back to Week 6 of Carly’s Into Bach, which is really Week 7 because Week 5 had two separate parts, so we’re only on the 6th rose ceremony, and this whole thing is really becoming far too complicated for a weekly blog feature!!

Hannah and the men are in Riga, Latvia, which Hannah—god bless her— must be contractually obligated to mention every 30 seconds. “Here we are in LAWT-VEE-UH!”

ONE-ON-ONE

Hannah selects Garrett for her first one-on-one (“I never thought I would be here, with Garrett, in LAWTVEEUH!!”) and their activity is—get ready—naked bungee jumping! Yes, you read that right. Bungee jumping, from a cable car over a river, while fully naked and HUGGING! I joked that “they could actually have some accidental penetration here” and Jeff immediately corrected me that it’s freezing outside and also, Garrett is probably terrified. Valid point.

Anyway, this whole date is surprisingly charming. Garrett is a total cutie and very wholesome, so it’s funny that he’s on the Naked Date, but I’m glad he was. Because it will become relevant later, I’ll mention that Hannah is still wearing her bra while they’re being hooked up to the bungee jump system, but decides to “be bold” and takes it off before jumping. Love it! Bras are the worst. I’m wearing a new one today and am considering throwing it into a bonfire.

So they bungee, it’s very thrilling, they’re glad they did it, and they get to snuggle by a bonfire in some robes with some champagne afterward. Sounds good to me!!! At dinner, they joke about “the views” from the day and Hannah is all, “ya, I have nice boobs!” Again—love this, go girl! Rub yr boobs on whoever you want!! Unfortunately, she is wearing an awful light-pink jumpsuit with almost-matching faux fur jacket, and 48 different pieces of jewelry in various shades of Pewter. I feel ill. Garrett gets the rose, which he deserved, as he jumped 40 meters or something with his frickin ding-dong flapping in the LAWTVEEUN winter winds.

Back at the house, the guys ask about the date and Garrett tells them, including the nudity— which was a big part of the date, not really an overshare or a brag.

The rest of the guys are like, wow, that’s wild, and of course Luke is all:

GROUP DATE

Hannah takes the remaining dudes, minus Peter Pilot who is getting the last 1-1, wandering around a market. They do lots of fun stuff, including moonshine shots, cheese tasting, Hannah eating a pickle like she is about to deepthroat it, Dustin biting into the head off a whole-ass fish. Jed, who we just found out had a girlfriend until the day before he came on the show, is majorly sucking up to Hannah and being kind of gross. Yawn.

Luke asks her about the bungee jumping and she’s all, yeah, I did it, and I had so much fun, and I’d do it again— which was clearly the wrong answer for Luke “It’s Fine For Men To Fuck Whoever They Want As Much As They Want, As Long As They Talk To Jesus About It Afterward And Pretend To Feel Bad” Pell! In the confessional, Luke sputters to the camera about how Hannah’s “body is a temple,” and something about how the temple is for her husband, and she “crossed a line,” and somehow the date was Personally Disrespectful To Him. By the way, let’s remember that Luke literally set up A MASSAGE STATION and was shirtless, covered in oil, and dryhumping Hannah 10 feet away from the other dudes ~ 3 weeks ago. But go off about disrespect I guess!

Meanwhile, Tyler (a paragon of healthy masculinity as per usual) is all, “I’m glad Hannah is living it up to the fullest, it doesn’t bother me at all”.

Luke pulls her aside and asks her if she’s ever been cheated on, clearly inferring that her bungee jumping was her CHEATING ON HIM and VIOLATING HER TEMPLE, etc etc etc. He then tells her, “hey girl— don’t worry—even if you make a “BONEHEADED MISTAKE” [direct quote]—we can work through it together!”

I! CAN’T!

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE

Hannah and her shy teenage son Peter are going to do something called “pirts”, which is a time-honored Latvian ritual to remove bad vibes, or something. It looks a lot like a spa day, which is nice. I have to wonder if the middle-school style Bathing Suit Sauna Humping Sesh is part of the bad-vibe-removing tradition, or if that part was ad-libbed.

I truly cannot understand Hannah’s attraction to Peter any less than I do. In the sauna, as soon as the Spa Attendants leave, Peter places his entire palm on Hannah’s chest, pushes her onto her back, and initiates a makeout that reads as THE MOST AWKWARD THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED, but about which Hannah tells the camera: “Our chemistry is 10/10.”

After the date, the guys ask Peter how it was, what they did, etc. Jed, man with a girlfriend/rebel without a cause, Doesn’t Have Time For This because he’s Here For Hannah and Not To Make Friends. So, he leaves mid-date-recap and shows up outside Hannah’s hotel window with his FUCKING guitar and starts singing that dumb “Mr. Right” song from the pageant, except this time ending it by singing—and I quote— “I wanna come inside!” Bold ask, sir, but we are NOT at the fantasy suites yet!

Hannah humors him and brings him up to her room, where he won’t fucking stop singing. This makes sense, given that he is only here to advance his music career! He sings a song about, um, how it’s not bad to want to undress her (?? At least he’s sex positive??) and then they make out. Whomp whomp. Here is an exclusive sneak peek of the Bach Brack DM during this scene. I (blue) was too ill to even type “ill”.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Finally, Hannah pulls Luke aside to ask him about his terrible reaction to her date with Garrett. Specifically she asks about the “boneheaded mistakes” comment, and how he said something to the effect of, he wouldn’t feel confident about her meeting his family now?? She tells him: “You aren’t my husband, you don’t own me or my body.” Hannah, that’s good and true, but you have to act like that as well as believing it in your heart. You are still letting him to do this to you, all the time!

As always, Luke knows exactly how much to walk things back, what to lie about, and how to expertly deny saying things that he literally said with his own mouth earlier in that same day, to confuse and manipulate and gaslight. He uses passive language to shift blame, e.g., “I’m sorry I was misunderstood or if you thought I was being disrespectful; I’m going to be more careful with my words because I don’t want to be misunderstood again.”

You WEREN’T misunderstood! You WERE being disrespectful! She understood exactly what you were saying, which is that she shouldn’t have taken off her clothes in a non-sexual context in front of another man; that she was personally and purposefully DISRESPECTING you by doing so; and that you think less of her now. Fuck you, Luke, you’re a dangerous and gross excuse for a man, AND you have bad eyebrows.

Your weekly reminder: if there is anyone in your life– romantic partner, friend, family member– who speaks to you like this, STOP TALKING TO THEM TODAY AND FOREVER!

Me: “Are we getting a rose ceremony? It’s only 9:40.”
Jeff: “Technically it’s only 9:40, but in a sense, I feel like I’ve been here for my entire life.”

Spoiler alert: we ARE getting a rose ceremony! While waiting for the cocktail party to begin, all the dudes systematically gather round and, as a group, describe to Luke all of the various and sundry ways that he is The Worst.

Hannah, after a long night of dealing with Luke’s bullshit (a hell world that she is creating and perpetuating 100% for herself), cancels the cocktail party because she knows what she wants to do. Is  it “drink a whole bottle of chardonnay without coming up for air, until tears are streaming from the sides of your eyes, but still you persist”? If so, same.

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE

Dustin and Dylan, only the former of whom has ever kissed or likely spoken to Hannah, are unsurprisingly sent home. We’re down to the final SIX MEN! (I think. I can’t go look, I don’t have it in me.)

Tune back in next time for, god, I don’t know, maybe Luke gets pushed off a cliff in Romania?? But probably more of this.