Whaddup, dingdongs?? We’ve finally reached THE LAST WEEK BEFORE HOMETOWNS, and you know what that means: time to prepare the vodka funnel because Luke “5’8 Villain” P. is absolutely not going home yet, and is probably going to win, because God has abandoned us!

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE

We’re in the Netherlands and, as per usual on the foreign country dates, the first one-on-one consists of wandering around a market and taking in the Local Culture. Hannah picks Jed, who, if I have not mentioned this yet, has a girlfriend. Great! They have a pretty standard daytime wandering date; it’s nice and easy and fun, which Hannah has always liked about Jed. Here is the exact dialogue from when they meet up for dinner:

Jed (walking over to Hannah): “Wow! Are you wearing… what color is that??”
Hannah: “I don’t know!”

Simply stunning. The color, by the way, was red.

Dinner itself is pretty boring, except for Hannah’s godawful red pantsuit and spiky pewter necklace:

She looks like she’s going on an interview to manage a struggling New York & Company, which is fitting, because Jed is the struggling New York & Company of dudes. She says she’s falling in love with him—the first time she’s said it to anyone this season! This would be nice to watch if, again, Jed did not HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE

For the second one-on-one, Hannah will be riding Tyl— err, riding horses with Tyler! They have a pair of big, shiny Clydesdales waiting for them, and Tyler is nervous. It’s endearing, but don’t act like you didn’t go to horseback camp growing up in damn Florida, okurr?? The horses basically just waltz all over the place, whenever they want, which is pretty funny. The happy couple barely grabs a pair of ice cream cones before the horses clomp off, then try a “local delicacy”:  pickled herring, which looks like a whole, large, raw fish. TOO MUCH! Hannah manages to get it down, but Tyler is gagging and has to spit it out. Honestly, props to him for not straight-up vomiting—he was very green and I got nervous.

At dinner, Hannah is real accusatory about Tyler “not opening up,” as though he is being any less open than the other dudes?? After some coaxing as to “what has scarred you” (yikes!) Tyler tells Hannah about his parents’ divorce. Hannah, breathing a little easier after getting her Deep Personal Trauma fix, gives him the rose.

Back at the hotel, Mike is awarded the last one-on-one, and Connor is pissed. His only date so far was a huge letdown because Hannah was sick, which is obviously not her fault, but he hasn’t gotten time with her like the remaining guys. Instead of waiting for the likely-inevitable axe to fall, Connor goes to Hannah to check in about where they are. While she likes him, she tells him that they’re too far behind her other relationships (a-doy!!) and sends him home. Sweet Connor. May his searing vocal fry and lovey-dovey Post-Its make someone else the happiest girl on Earth.

LAST ONE-ON-ONE

For her last 1-1, Hannah is going biking with Mike. He is so into her and so sweet!! Ugh. They have a really nice day—like she always does with Mike, because he’s not a manbaby and doesn’t care about garbage bullshit and is actually there for her— and then it’s time for dinner.

When Mike arrives, Hannah is already crying. Great sign! I can’t tell if she’s had too much minibar Chardonnay, or is just super emotional about having to send Mike home because she’s not that into him even though he’s possibly one of the only decent guys to ever come on this show…!… but Hannah launches into an… interesting… speech about how she saw a painting on the way to dinner that “encompassed everything she’s going through”

Really, Hannah? There was a painting at a beautiful Dutch museum of a blonde 23-year-old choosing a Television Husband from a panel of 30 men, 18 of whom have Instagram sponsorships for teeth whitening systems?

Sadly but unsurprisingly, Hannah does not give Mike the rose, although she does cry the whole time. Mike says: “I don’t know what to say, except thank you for being honest.” THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST! Mike! For! Bachelor!

As a tribute, I’ve saved the following picture on my computer as “daddy.jpg”:

OFFICIAL CARLY’S INTO THAT READER POLL

Just for fun, let’s take a few minutes to imagine some of the things Luke P. would have said if it had been HIM sitting across from Hannah and getting dumped the week before hometowns. Which one do you think is most likely? Sound off in the comments!

A. “If you can’t appreciate the best thing that ever happened to you, that’s your problem!!!”
B. *holding breath and slamming head into wall until she promises to change her mind*
C. “Haha, okay. I’ll see ya tomorrow, silly!”
D. “AS IF I EVEN WANTED YOU, YA FAT BITCH!!!”

Per Bachelor custom, a producer comes to the house to remove Mike’s suitcase and Luke’s little gremlin body is positively CONVULSING with glee. Grinning and counting on his fingers, he tells the other men: “He’s gone, so that’s one less of us!” Mama’s Big Smart Boy!

Around this point, Tyler chuckles and says, “The villain is usually a big scary guy. We’ve got ourselves a 5’8 villain!” which causes Luke to retreat back into the only thing he knows:

LAST GROUP DATE

The last group date is Peter, Garrett, and Luke. I don’t even remember what they do, honestly, but Luke immediately pulls Hannah aside and starts listing all of his various grievances about how he’s being treated in the house. This is, truly, some psychotic, lost-grasp-on-reality shit, but Hannah is right there with him! She tells him: “I don’t understand why no one will be kind to you!”

HANNAH! EVERYONE ELSE, CAN BE KIND TO E V E R Y O N E   E L S E! WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN???

You’ll be floored by what happens next: It’s Hannah’s turn to talk with Garrett, and they talk about… yep! Luke!!! Afterward, Garrett smugly tells the camera: “I know for a FACT that I will not go home because of Luke.”

While Hannah is outside talking to Peter, who is neither an assclown nor completely obsessed with the actions of an assclown, Luke and Garrett continue bickering until Luke grabs a handful of cold cuts off the tray and says: “Do you know what this is? This is a pile of baloney. Like you!!!” and dumps fucking lunchmeat in Garrett’s lap. Honestly—I could not be more embarrassed than I already am. Oh wait! Yes I can! When Luke does not go home tonight!!!

Peter gets the date rose, leaving Moe and Curly to keep squabbling with each other and throwing turkey slices. A memorable moment: Luke licks his lips, and Garrett asks: “Are you licking your lips because you’re attracted to me?”

At their last moments before the elimination, Luke pulls a LITERAL Hail Mary by telling Hannah the story of how he used to Get So Much Ass, but then Jesus came to him in the shower and was all, “Luke! Stop putting your dingdong in literally hundreds of women, you absolute playa! It’s fine cause you’re a dude tho. But save el wang-o for marriage, and start slut-shaming adults for consensual sexual activity!!!”

Her talk with Garrett is nice too, but apparently it’s nothing like the scorching passion of being deliberately lied to and made to feel like you’re insane! Hannah “goes with her gut” and Luke lives to scam another day.

Join us next week for hometowns, where we get to go on a boat with Peter, make waves at the beach with Tyler, explore Tennessee with Jed, and meet Luke’s fellow religious cult members family!

Same, Garrett. Very same.