*Flo Rida’s “Welcome To My House” plays aggressively in the background*
It’s time for hometowns, y’all! We’ve come so far. Are you ready to meet some very sweet dads and vaguely concerned moms?! Without further ado…
PETER: WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA
Peter picks Hannah up in his very nice car. She immediately starts rummaging through the glove box and finds, to Peter’s genuine dismay, a condom! Peter! Good for you on practicing safe sex, but latex degrades in heat, so don’t keep those in there!! Also, clean out your car before you drive it on national television!
Unsurprisingly, Peter takes Hannah flying (“our relationship gets to SOAR to the next level”) and points out the Bachelor Mansion as well as his own house from up in the air. At home, Hannah meets his family: former pilot Dad, former flight attendant Mom, and Luke S.-clone little brother. They all seem pleasant, but in the words of BachBrack Commissioner Amy, “This family is one where you find out later they all skinnydip together”; my fellow contestant Lauren predicts that Peter’s mom still gives him baths. It’s also hard to take this interaction seriously, because production is playing the goofiest, circus-esque music over THE WHOLE THING. This doesn’t bode well for Peter. They also show the family tradition of like, a German pre-dinner chant that everyone gets WAY too into.
Hannah first talks to Peter’s little brother, which is nice and largely unremarkable except for the following direct quote: “When he gets all into you, it’s really hard for him to get out.”
Peter’s parents, who met under extremely unrealistic and fairy-tale-like conditions themselves, are maybe a little too excited about this? Peter’s dad is straight up sobbing, which is over the top but I still find it sweet. In a world where toxic masculinity reigns, there’s nothing wrong with being the proud, mustachioed dad who sobs on national TV.
When Peter walks Hannah out, he tells the camera that he really wants to express to Hannah just how strongly he feels about her, but he doesn’t drop the L word, or even the falling-in-L-word. This will likely be his downfall later. That, or the wailing German dinner chant. That was too much.
TYLER: JUPITER, FL
We’re in my home state, y’all! Tyler, looking like a whole-ass meal (just like every other day of his life), meets Hannah in Jupiter, FL and shows her around on a boat. Hannah does a terrible job of applying Tyler’s sunscreen, because she is basically just groping his chest and abs. While I certainly can’t and won’t blame her, homeboy is gonna get burnt. Later, they have margaritas at a cute little beach bar that just sings to my Florida heart. Tyler tells Hannah that his dad recently got sick and he hasn’t been able to see him since he left for the show. He clearly loves his family a lot, and when we meet them, you can see why: they are THE cutest. Tyler and his dad cry when hugging each other. I’m fine! Why wouldn’t I be fine!
Dad calls Hannah “Miss Hannah” for the duration of their visit. Tyler’s mom is also very sweet and has a similar vibe to that of my therapist, with whom I am deeply obsessed. The couple has nice conversations with both parents as well as Tyler’s brothers. I’m 100% in on Tyler. Who wouldn’t want to marry into this family (and that house??!! Hellerrrr!)
Like Peter, Tyler doesn’t use the L-word when walking Hannah out to the Bachmobile, but they do crawl into the backseat and hump for a while, which is maybe good enough for now.
OL’ BALONEY-THROWER: GAINESVILLE, GA
After two completely normal experiences like a plane date and a beach date, Hannah’s third hometown begins at… Sunday School. Luke stands up in front of a bunch of
hired actors teens from the church and, for the third fucking time, tells his weirdly self-congratulatory story about how much ass he was getting before Jesus came and held him in the shower. You can tell that the producers told these teens: “Everyone on this show fucking hates Luke, so we need y’all to be annoyingly repetitive about how everyone here loves him!” The teens oblige, and the weird youth pastors do the same. Then they do the creepy “laying hands on” thing from the previews, and pray over Luke and Hannah. Shockingly, no one asks her to hold a serpent as a test of her worth.
Luke’s eyebrows are so bad. Another thing that’s bad is his dad, who tells him, “If your relationship with her matters the most, then nothing gets in the way of it!” I’m starting to understand who taught Luke the basic fundamentals of boundaries!
A random friend/family member describes Luke as “the most humble guy as soon as he realizes he’s made a mistake,” which is the funniest thing I can imagine until Luke’s dad jumps in with “Yeah, Luke is the guy who will get in the middle of a fight to STOP the fight!”
Serious question: has anyone here ever met Luke?
At their goodbye, Luke tells Hannah: “I feel like I’m looking at my future wife, and I can tell you without a doubt that I do love you.”
JED: NASHVILLE, TN
Last week, Hannah told Jed she was falling in love with him too. He’s the only one she’s said that too, which sucks, because he’s a scammer with a girlfriend AND he literally never stops trying to sing to her! Side note: my friends who live in Nashville have confirmed that every man in the city is like this.
Unsurprisingly, he takes her to a studio and they write a fucking song together, which I have to mute because I’m cringing too hard. They record the song and then make out in the booth, which I’m sure sounds fucking disgusting over the mics they were just singing into. My condolences to whoever had to sit quietly in the next room and listen to the horrible suction-cup noises of someone else making out: WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE AND IT AIN’T FUN.
I don’t remember anything about Jed’s dad. Sahrry! When Hannah tells his mom that she told Jed she was falling in love with him, Mom asked: “Do you say that to all of them?”, which is a valid question. But as we know, Hannah has not. Jed’s sister, a perfect carbon copy of The Preppy Villain from a CW show about high school drama, was weirdly standoffish about the fact that Hannah is still dating three other men. Your brother was bringing another girl home for dinner approximately two months ago, but go off sis!
The first rose goes to Peter and second goes to Tyler. When it comes to the final rose, Hannah walks off set and tells Chris Harrison that she can’t pick between the remaining two men for the final rose.
When she returns, Chris follows and says solemnly: “Hannah, the ROSES you asked for” and sets two roses on the table. Hannah gives roses to both men, telling them that she can’t make a choice and wants to continue on with all of them. This Bachelorette, man! She can’t be controlled! She uses curse words! She’s about to see at least three dongs! Ah, life’s rich tapestry!
Jed—who got the last rose and should maybe just be happy to be here—is mad because it came down to him and Luke, who “has been a complete scumbag for this whole process.” Sir, if I were you, I would be careful throwing around the word “scumbag”!
Of course, we get another preview of Hannah saying “I have had sex and Jesus still loves me”, which is basically this entire season summed up into one sentence. Tune in next week to see whom Hannah, in her own words, “fuck[s] in a windmill! Twice! And she would do it again!” I feel like it has to be Tyler. Peter would still be crying after the first time… Jed would already have the guitar out and be singing a song about “connecting”… and Luke would have thrown himself from the windmill in penance to Jesus. So ya, it’s Tyler. Xoxo!