Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where It’s! About! To Go! Down! And by it, I mean hopefully all of Hannah’s suitors except Luke! Heyooooooo!

We’re in Crete, Greece— an absolutely stunning setting for the explosion of fragile masculinity that’s about to take place! Are y’all ready?! You might not be ready.

PETER

Peter is first again, and MAN, this guy is such a cornball. Their date is sailing and, surprise, it’s gorgeous. They make out on the boat while the fisherman adjusts the sails ~5 feet behind them. Peter still cannot and has not told Hannah he loves her, opting instead to tell it to the cameras over and over, while offering Hannah one-word exclamatories like “dang!” At dinner, P tells her that their whole thing has been “a dream” and that they’ve “solidly progressed” throughout the season in their relationship. I don’t disagree! Peter has been solid this whole season and has been demonstrably a good guy. He keeps trying to drop the L bomb, telling Hannah that she pushes him and inspires him because he doesn’t think he needs to be perfect like he did in past relationships.

Finally, at dinner, he spits it out. “It [unclear what “it” is] made me realize how in love with you I am.” Awww! It was sweet. They choose to “stay as a couple” in the Fantasy Suite, which is located in…….. THE INFAMOUS WINDMILLLLLLL!  I really thought it would be Tyler! Dannnnnnng! Upon arrival, Hannah opens up a chest to find snacks and— as she proudly displays for the camera— condoms!

The next morning, Peter talks about the “connection” they built, and literally says “we just came together, so much, it was great” and while I know he didn’t mean it that way, he probably also meant it that way.

TYLER

Finally, a Hannah outfit that doesn’t make me want to drown myself in the harbor! She is wearing a super cute, Greek-inspired top and great shoes. She is also wearing jorts, but as a jorts type of girl myself, I can’t fault her as much as I should. Hannah and Tyler go to a Greek spa for a couples massage and talk about how nice their hometown date was. About 10 minute into the massage, Tyler hops off his massage table, shoos off the masseuses, and takes over Hannah’s massage himself. Unlike the masseuses, Tyler’s massage ends with them hardcore making out while covered in oil and body scrub.

Hannah tells the camera that, while the physical connection is clearly there (ya think??) she wants the emotional connection to be there too. Hannah, if you don’t sleep with this man, I will throw my phone into the ocean.

At dinner, Tyler is wearing the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pink Jacket and (surprise!) looking like a whole-ass meal. Hannah tells him that she doesn’t want to just go into the fantasy suites and have sex, because that’s not what they need; she wants to focus on the emotional connection. Tyler, the only good man in the world, says that of course they don’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to, he just wants to be around her—AND he says her loves her for the first time! Hannah tells the camera that she appreciates Tyler because, quote, “HE CELEBRATES MY BOUNDARIES”. HANNAH. ONE. OF. THE. REMAINING. MEN. IS. LUKE.

In the morning, they have coffee on the dock and Hannah reports that there was no sex, just making out and hanging out, and that—direct quote but emphasis mine— “no man has ever been more respectful of her, in her entire life.” As much as Tyler looks like a ripped, hyper-masculine douchebag who would whine about using a condom and then sneak out of your apartment in the middle of the night, he is EXACTLY the opposite: 100% husband material in a shockingly-hot package. CALL ME!!! Ahem. I mean. Call one of my friends! Who is single and not happily in a relationship! Ha ha!!! *begins sweating furiously*

FUCKING JED

Hannah and Jed “I Was Dating Someone Until The Day I Left To Come Here” Wyatt are having a Wander Date, which begins with Jed complaining to the camera that he’s insulted to even be grouped in the same Top 4 as Luke. Yawn.

Jed asks Hannah: “I need some clarity on Luke because I want to see you be with the best person Luke has been lying and twisting everyone’s words from the beginning.” He also asks how she can be as amazing as she is and still consider someone like Luke. Hannah tries to explain herself to Jed, but here’s the thing—go fuck yourself, dude, it’s not your decision or your business at all!

At dinner, he drones on: “It says a lot about your decisions when you can say that you’re falling in love with me, but also keep around someone who is TOXIC!” and my hatred grows.

Like the professional concern troll he is, Jed also says that he’s worried that Hannah isn’t good at letting go of bad things in her life. Clearly not, since you’re still here! Because Luke is also still here, Jed is “less sure” about Hannah, and for a minute it seems like he’s going to leave?? Hannah finally gets upset, as she should, because fuck this guy, and walks outside. Of course, Jed turns it around and is all, “I just wanted to have this conversation because I love you and I want you to be happy and blah blah blah.”

It gets worse! Hannah buys it and invites him to the fantasy suite, which is like, a full house with multiple rooms AND A HOT TUB! I guess we’re doing this! My condolences to Peter and his lil windmill cave!

In the morning, Jed says “we didn’t sleep a wink” and that he’s “so happy but also tired.” Congrats, again, on the sex, but WHY THIS GUY AND NOT TYLER? I’m mad.

VAGUELY-HUMAN FORM CREATED ENTIRELY FROM TATTERED RED FLAGS

Luke, who is the absolute worst, gets the best date: a helicopter trip to Santorini, probably the most beautiful place in the whole world. He’s all, “I can absolutely see myself proposing to Hannah next week!!! Hannah knows I’m the one!” You are the one— the one who’s going to become a cult leader within the next five years! The day date is boring, because we’re all just waiting for the fight that we saw in the previews.

[Please note that all emphasis for the rest of the blog post is mine, but the quotes should be mostly direct, as I was furiously typing along to get all the terrible words just right.]

They sit down to dinner and Luke, who is physically incapable of going 10 minutes without saying something alarmingly problematic, says “Let’s talk about marriage! I want things the way I want them!”

Wearing his best Cool Youth Pastor Affect, Luke then says: “So let’s talk about sex!”

“Sex is an incredible thing and it’s beautiful… but only when it’s within a marriage. The marriage bed should be kept pure.” He’s been abstinent for 3-4 years and is now saving himself for marriage. Per Luke, he is “very confident that we are on the same page with morals”—but in the next breath: “I just want to make sure you’re not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here. If you told me you had sex with one or multiple other guys, I would want to go home.”

I feel like probably many of us have had men say problematic things to us before, and either ignored them, glossed them over, or laughed them off because it’s easier than starting a fight… however…

HANNAH JUST TOOK A DNA TEST, TURNS OUT SHE’S 100% NOT THAT BITCH!
Here’s the rest of the conversation, in snippets:

-Hannah: “Some of the things you said I don’t agree with at all—you’re not my husband – you’re judging me and you don’t have the right to.”
-Luke asks her if he can cut her off and she says no and continues talking. [Ed. Note: YAAAAAAAAAS QUEEN YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS]
-Hannah: “Sex might be a sin out of marriage but so is pride and I think this is a pride thing.”

Shocked that he’s being called out, Luke returns to his tried-and-true tactic of pretending like Hannah misunderstood him, even though what he was was, uh, extremely clear. “If you slept with one or multiple other guys, I would want to go home.” Those were your exact words! There’s nothing to misunderstand here, my dude!

He says: “I’m willing to work through everything if you slept with other people, I just want to know—if you had a slip up, we can work through it!”

Hannah is not backing down. She tells Luke that, guess what? He has a lot of qualities that SHE doesn’t want in a husband, but she forgave him those, and for him to now look at her like she’s lesser because on ONE thing—that she’s had sex— is extremely unfair.

Even now, knowing that he is in BIG trouble, Luke isn’t able to overcome his deeply-pathological views of human relationships and sexuality. He repeatedly tries to reassure Hannah that it’s “okay if she slipped up.” So, it’s okay that she slept with someone else, as long as it was on accident and she now feels bad about it and bad about herself?? FUCK! OFF!

After so many weeks of being blinded by her chemistry with Luke, Hannah is finally seeing the light. Angrily, she tells Luke: “I’ve finally gotten clarity on you, and I do not want you to be my husband.”

Luke, who’s been trying to interrupt the whole time, asks her if he can speak. She’s all, “I’m good luv, enjoy”, hits him with an ice-cold “CAN I WALK YOU OUT?”, and begins walking over to where the limo is.

Like the large, angry baby that he is and will always be, Luke literally sits in his chair and will not get up because “she owes it to him to let him speak.” Hannah, still taking no shit, says “I owe you nothing, please get up!” Honestly—every shred of respect that I lost for Hannah for Luke-based reasons, I regained in this episode.

By the car, Luke deploys a Hail Mary by trying to tell Hannah that, while SHE thinks she has clarity, HE actually thinks she does NOT have clarity. It’s a smart move, because the one thing women love more than being shamed for perfectly normal adult behaviors, is being told that they don’t know how they feel!

It’s time for Hannah’s Line of the Season, which we’ve already seen a million times: “I have had sex and Jesus still loves me.” She tells him that she fucked in a windmill (A LEGEND) and that her husband would never say the things that he has said to her. As the limo drives away, SHE FLIPS HIM OFF.

MY QUEEN! Let me reiterated how proud I am of Hannah for breaking free from the mind control of a horrible, powerful narcissist. It’s a very tough thing to do and even though it took a while, she still did it, and that’s what counts!

Tune back in next week to see what happens when, as we all saw in the preview, Luke shows back up and probably challenges someone to a duel for Hannah’s Honor.