So, Chris Harrison has figured out that many people do not watch the Men Tell All episode. This is unfortunate, because then he figured out that if he weaves new #content into what used to be 2 hours of men yelling at each other, he can trick us into watching at least part of it. CURSE YOUUUUU, CHRIS HARRISON!

As we all knew was going to happen from last week’s teaser, Luke was allowed to return to the show, AFTER BEING EXPRESSLY AND VEHEMENTLY ASKED TO LEAVE BY THE LEAD! Not only that, but he returned WITH A RING IN HIS POCKET, saying ominously “Hannah thought that by breaking up with me, we wouldn’t be together anymore.”

DINGDINGDING! THAT’S CORRECT, you fucking bag of assholes! That’s how breakups work! If a person breaks up with you, you leave them alone! You do not show up at their next date with someone else (or three someone elses, if you are perchance on The Bachelorette) and say “I could stand here all day”!!!

This was not okay and I’m pissed that it was allowed, much less encouraged. This was horribly abusive and shouldn’t have been shown on national television. Hannah asks him to leave multiple times, soon joined by the three dudes that she has not broken up with. He completely ignores her. He does not move from the spot that he’s standing in, to the point that Hannah grabs the rose ceremony podium, places it it between him and the other dudes, and attempts to go on with the ceremony.

Finally, Chris Harrison steps in and asks Luke what he is looking for by coming back. He says: “For someone to kick my dumb ass and show me the true meaning of pain, because my life has been too easy thus far, and that’s why I’m a piece of shit!”

Jk. He’s all, “I want clarity/closure/for Hannah to look me in the eye and tell me we’re done here”, and she’s all– “SURE! DONE! HERE I AM! I AM LOOKING YOU IN THE EYE! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE!”

He finally leaves.

OH WAIT, I GUESS WE’RE ALSO LETTING HIM COME TO THE “MEN TELL ALL”

Cool cool cool.

I’m not going to rehash Luke’s entire appearance, which was almost half of the episode. Basically, he says he would do everything exactly the same; he denies saying things that he said on camera, which were then aired on national television; he waits at least 45 seconds to answer each of Chris Harrison’s questions, because that’s how long it takes him to figure out how to phrase each like so that, 15 seconds later, he can claim he was “misunderstood”.

It is, as always, terrifying to watch.

BALONEY IN THE MIDDLE

Per usual, a group of the other men are brought out to take turns airing their grievances to/at Luke.

-Devin accuses Luke of saying he wants a strong woman, when actually he wants to control women so he feels better about himself (100% correct.) Luke says, no way Jose, he LOVES strong women!– and in the same breath, moves on to say that “A man is supposed to lead and guide a woman in a relationship.”

Luke, I will both “lead and guide” 6,048 Flaming Cheetos into your ass.

-Connor (sweet Connor!) gives Luke “the only compliment he will get today” and says he is brave to show up, then tells him to, and I quote, “go fuck [him]self.”

-I wrote down the following exquisite quote excerpts from Mike: “You say you have a target on your back, but you put it there […] you haven’t learned at all […] you’re a narcissistic, cantankerous misogynist and your future wife is going to be a prisoner of you if you don’t change.”

The segment basically ends with Luke trying to apologize for acting “out of character”, which is hilarious, because how can you act in a way that is not yourself for an entire 12 weeks with no break? That is your character, my dude. NOW WILL YOU FINALLY LEAVE? At this point I feel like we’re going to be at the final rose ceremony of Season fucking 57 and Luke is going to come stumbling out of some off-set shrubbery like “I JUSS WANT.. HANNAH………. TO LOOK ME IN MY EYES…. N TELL ME………. SHE DOESSSN’T LOVE *hiccup* ME!!!!!!!!”

Anyway, I turned the episode off here, but I heard via DM that the bloopers were funny; Mike is going to be on Paradise, which does not mean he can’t also be The Bachelor and then my husband; and that this season, Demi kisses a girl (and– she likes it!)

See you next week for a) the Final Rose; b) whatever interim episode is before the Final Rose; or c) 2 hours of security cam footage showing Luke on a drunken rampage at Beef’o’Brady’s!