This December, I’ve been experiencing some pretty serious holiday-related cognitive dissonance. Right now is “the most wonderful time of the year”, but also probably “the last Christmas ever before Dictator Dump blows up the entire planet over a Twitter fight.” 2016 was a goddamn hellscape, and there’s no promise that 2017 will be any better—in fact, it will likely be SO much worse!
So how can we be merry and bright this holiday season, considering all the horrors we’ll likely face in 2017? The answer, my friends, is alcohol. This Christmas, surprise your family by tossing that worn paper bag full of Evan Williams and whipping up a festive cocktail! Here are a few recipes to consider.
1. The Crushing Rye-hilism
4-7 oz rye whiskey
Red plastic cup
Hide in the kitchen with all ingredients until Uncle Bob takes a break from his favorite rant, “Why It Doesn’t Matter That Russia Interfered In An American Presidential Election Because At Least That Bitch Didn’t Win.” Pour whiskey into cup and drink neat in front of small nieces and nephews. Share with them if you want! Nothing matters.
2. Pit of Des-Pear Martini
2 oz pear vodka
1 oz lemon-lime soda
1 oz simple syrup
Break out this simple yet delicious recipe for that Christmas Eve party you’ve been dreading! Combine ingredients in cocktail shaker. Shake vigorously, letting the sounds of clanking ice drown out the humblebragging of old high school acquaintances. “Promotion”? Shake shake. “Engaged”? *Shaking intensifies.* Strain into sugar-rimmed martini glass. Drink with one arm crossed while rolling eyes.
3. “At Least I Still Have My Principles” Popsicle
1 oz grain alcohol
1 oz heavy cream
1 oz sour apple liqueur
1 pinch salt
Rather than settling for a warm beer, pour above ingredients into a Popsicle mold and freeze for 4+ hours. Consume with the nagging realization that something is very, very wrong, but make no real effort to fix it. Complain about indigestion and the two-party system.
4. Schrodinger’s Fireball Shot
1 oz fireball
Pour Fireball into shotglass. Carefully apply Everclear on top. Light on fire. While all climate scientists and people with brains will agree—this shot is on fire!— your Uncle Jerry isn’t having any of it. The shot is not on fire; fire is a hoax perpetuated by the liberal media and busted wide open by Breitbart dot com—read some REAL news for once!
Take your shot quickly, blowing out the flame first if you believe in its existence. Extinguish Uncle Jerry’s MAGA hat before the flames consume him.
5. We’re Totally Screwe(driver)
___ oz vodka (we aren’t here to judge you)
Gallon jug orange juice
Perfect for Christmas morning! Pour vodka into glass of ice, coffee mug, or mouth hole. Follow with OJ (not too much). Repeat. Repeat again.
6. Ban All Men-hattan
2 dashes male tears (Note: if flavor is too unpleasant, try angostura bitters)
1 oz sweet vermouth
3 oz bourbon
1 maraschino cherry
Add tears, vermouth, and bourbon to short glass full of ice. Top with cherry and stir. Throw full glass at nearest white man, while screaming “THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!!!!”
7. The Bernie Would Have One (Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer)
Drink all ingredients in quick succession, and for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it already.
8. LIIT Like A Dumpster Fire
1 liquor cabinet
Combine all ingredients in tall glass of ice. Drink with friends, loved ones, and the knowledge that this particular fire has almost burned itself out. Finish with a trip to Taco Bell and the knowledge that your best efforts may not make a difference in the coming year. Try anyway.
Whatever your drink of choice: Merry Christmas, y’all. Be excellent to each other.