Good morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathizers, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where this week’s post title is not only a pun about Thailand, but a joke about boats! Because both of the dates take place on boats! Get it??? Thank you.

By way of apology, I will tell you right here at the beginning: there is no rose ceremony tonight! What a fuckin’ drag! However, with the departures of Tracey and Courtney, the girls seem to be getting along much better in the house, which is refreshing. The episode begins without much fanfare as Heather is awarded the one-on-one date card, which reads “Heather— let’s experience something new.” Read More

Goooooood morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathetic bystanders! Last night’s episode had everything: community theater pirates, surprise children, a “wardrobe stylist” wearing pinstriped fucking overalls, a beauty queen hissing like a velociraptor, and even some light BDSM! Without further ado…

GROUP DATE

Our first group date includes Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. The perma-feud between Yung Demi and Tracy burns quietly in the background, but the producers are really hyping the beauty queen beef (BQB) this week.

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Hello, fellow masochists and welcome to Week 2, where we are treated to our first one-on-one date, two group dates, and even more crying than Week 1! I have to warn you: this episode was so bad that it gave my dog diarrhea, every two hours, for the whole night! I look and feel like the undead, so let’s jump right in and get this over with!

FIRST GROUP DATE

Demi, Catherine, Hannah G., Elyse, Onyeka, Tracy, Bri, and Nicole are selected for the first group date. They head to a theater where they’re greeted by Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally (please adopt me) and informed that today’s date involves… writing and telling stories of their “firsts” to a live studio audience of 200 people. Personally, I would rather die, but these girls are already in heavy competition for the coveted post-Bachelor Fit Tea Instagram sponsorship, so what’s a little public embarrassment??
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HELLO, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! It’s been quite a while since our last venture into Scripted Love, and I’m sure we’re all straining against the handcuffs that fasten us to our couches very excited to be here.

In Recap City, it’s 8:01—the first minute of the THREE HOUR LIVE PREMIERE! What a gift!— and we already have our first reference to “going all the way”. Moments later, Christ Harrison winkily proclaims that Colton really has “something to lose”. Anyone who is drinking this month is legally required to finish their beverage whenever someone makes a virgin reference. Read More