Carly’s Into Bach, Week 3: Always Be Calling A Lyft

Welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where we broke the sacred amulet and are being eternally punished love everything about the Bachelor franchise!

FIRST GROUP DATE
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If you love watching men physically hurt as much as I do, you probably enjoyed last night’s episode! Mike, Jed, Always Be Cam, JPJ, Matteo, Jonathan, Kevin, and Tyler C. roll up to a faux-hospital room, where Jason Biggs is assisting his wife in giving pretend-birth. Bet you never thought you’d read THAT sentence! Anyway, the point of today is that being a woman is hard and complicated. Ya think? To prove that point, the men sit at desks and are asked various questions about the female body.

Y’all, this was a mess. Tyler C. says: “I don’t know much about pregnancy, except that the belly gets bigger and bigger, and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier.” Is he 12?? I CANNOT. Unsurprisingly, Jed is literally the only man out of the group who knows How Babby Is Formed. Some example questions and answers from this portion:

Q: What body part does a woman grow during pregnancy?
A: Uterus; ovary; placenta (correct answer, only Jed got it)

Q: What is a woman’s gestational period?
A: Most of the men correctly answered 9 months, except for Cam, who said TWO WEEKS! Clearly he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “gestational”, but also, what was he thinking of? Gettin’ ya period?? Which also doesn’t happen every two weeks??? Bless! This! Mess! Mike smugly tells the camera: “I’m not surprised that Cam is having trouble with questions about the female anatomy.”

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Now it’s time for the labor simulator, which is hilarious. Jed is adorable, incorporating some Lamaze breathing; Tyler poses, grabbing Hannah around the waist with one arm and flexing the bicep of the other; JPJ wriggles and shrieks with his eyes so wide that it looks like they might pop right out. Pretty upsetting!

GROUP DATE COCKTAIL PARTY
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Hannah is definitely into Jed (lawful good), which is hilarious because she’s also into Luke P. (chaotic evil) who, IMO, is absolutely going to win. Anyway, she has a really good conversation and a nice rooftop makeout with Jed. Meanwhile downstairs, Cam is telling the other men that ACTUALLY, he has had the LEAST time with Hannah and deserves MORE time (despite crashing a date to which he was not invited and stealing time from men who were specifically there because Hannah wanted them to be there.) Always Be Cam-plaining, amirite??

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Mike and Hannah talk about how the date today brought up some feelings for Mike, whose ex had a miscarriage. Hannah can relate, because she also had one before, and it’s a very sweet/sad/vulnerable moment for the two of them… So of course, Cam barges right in, literally in the middle of the two of them TALKING ABOUT PREGNANCY LOSS, and informs Mike that he has to tell Hannah something that’s Very Important. Mike, who just took a DNA test and is 100% Not The One To Fuck With, tells him “I’ll let you know when I’m done, please step outside.” As you can imagine, it’s extremely hard to have any conversation—much less a serious conversation— with some fucking asshole slamming the door back open and standing there looking like he just CANNOT wait to explain how bitcoin works. During his third interruption in as many minutes, Cam says: “Sorry man, I just HAVE to cut in right now, it’s really important”. Naturally, Mike does what only a true petty king could, and gives Hannah a big, sexy kiss while Cam stands in the doorway, color draining from his face.

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What could Cam’s Very Important Announcement be? Is he currently bleeding to death and Hannah has the only cell phone on premises with which to call him an ambulance? Does he have three weeks left to live? Unfortunately, neither of the above. Cam’s Very Important Announcement is: he had to quit his job—which he worked very hard to get— to pursue this “journey”. Cam, I’m 0% joking when I say: I hope you get punched right in your face EVERY DAY for the rest of your life, which you will not spend being married to Hannah, or to anyone.

Then Jonathan, a true hero, takes one for the team and interrupts CAM’s time with Hannah, refusing to leave and repeating things like “you had your time”, “it’s my turn”, and “that’s what you get” (lol). I don’t think he’s winning any points with Hannah, but I also don’t think he cares that much, and I love him all the same.

ONE-ON-ONE
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Connor received a date card inviting him to go sailing with Hannah, but unfortunately it gets canceled because Hannah is sick. Instead, he’s invited to come over to her hotel suite and just hang out, which is honestly a cute “date” and a good measure of what it would be like to date someone in the real world. They hang out for a bit on her bed and chat until she’s too tired. On his way out, he leaves her a cute little Post-It scavenger hunt of “all the things he loves about her.”

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After returning to the mansion and having several boring conversations with the other men, a limo driver shows up looking for Connor. He actually gets invited BACK out of the mansion for a dinner date, which I guess means Hannah’s wellbeing has improved dramatically from earlier in the day and/or she really liked the Post-Its! Connor is cute and nice, despite his extremely-annoying vocal fry, and he gets the rose at dinner.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT TYLER G.
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Y’all may have noticed that Tyler G., of last week’s helicopter and mudding date, was mysteriously absent from this week’s episode. You also may not have noticed! I didn’t, until Hannah went on camera before the next group date and said [and I’m paraphrasing] “Yadda yadda, it’s been a tough week, what with me being sick and then Tyler G. having to leave, which was unfortunate, but now it’s time for the next group date with some awesome dudes!”

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Bish, whet? Where he go???

The show does not mention Tyler G. a single other time during the whole episode, but per the internet, he was removed from the show by production for being a REAL fucking creep! Here is the hot goss, which includes rumors of him being an “extreme misogynist” and, while on vacation with an ex girlfriend, SPITTING ON HER and leaving her there! Charming!

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SECOND GROUP DATE
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The second group date is a photoshoot where the men will be styled to match… DIFFERENT LIL ANIMALS!!! I love this. I was so excited by this that I don’t even know who the men are on this date, but I DO know that the animals included: a tiny dog (possibly French bulldog), a mini horse in exercise sweatbands and wristbands, an alpaca, a snake, and one of those naked dogs with no hair. [Ed note: I googled and the participants for this date are: Garrett, Luke P., Devin, Grant, Joey, Pete, Dylan, and Luke S.]

Since The Bachelor is ABE (Always Being Extra), Demi is here again and is spying on the men through hidden cameras while the cute makeup artist hits on them. Love it! Of course, most of the men are not idiots and see right through this, as their every move/shower/shit/shave has been videotaped for two entire weeks now, and none of them fall for it. The photoshoots are very cute, except that Luke P. is following Hannah around like the cloud in the Zoloft commercial, constantly pestering her for more time/attention/topless massages. Hannah is starting to get it, but she’s not 100% there. Probably not even 20% there. I JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, GOD DAMNIT.

POST-DATE COCKTAIL PARTY
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At the post-date hangout, Hannah actually takes Luke aside and calls him out for being cocky and not respecting her other relationships. Per usual, he looks angry and interrupts her the entire time, and she’s all “I like you, but you have to stop doing that” [“that” presumably meaning “literally everything you have done except making out with me”.]

Well, y’all know Luke P., that sweet lil whippersnapper. He’s very perceptive and truly upset that he’s hurt Hannah this way. He backs way off, going upstairs and taking some time to himself to really reflect on how his behavior have affected Hannah. He also calls his therapist for some help in making a concrete plan of action, to help him be more positive and supportive to Hannah’s journey moving forward.

SIKE!

Luke, a dumb asshole with the emotional intelligence of Swiss cheese, returns to the group, relays what Hannah said, and then says… and I quote… that he “doesn’t see her seeing him that way” and “is going to pretend like the conversation didn’t happen.”

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Oops! You said the quiet part out loud! He, of course, tries to interrupt Hannah during a conversation with someone else and she tells him to go away.

Q: Luke, baby, what is you doing?!
A:
spiraling

TAILGATE PARTY
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In lieu of a pre-ceremony cocktail party this week, Hannah has requested a tailgate party because she wants to keep things light and just have some fun. Also, in lieu of continuing to work on my anger issues with my therapist, I am going to put Always Be Cam’s head through a window. He gathers all of the men pre-tailgate and basically requests that no one talk to Hannah until he has time to talk to Hannah, because he really has to tell her something SOOOooOoOOoOoOo important— “something that’s probably even too much for her to handle, and she’s probably going to send me home from it, but she deserves to know.”

The men pause for a moment, then all laugh as Mike says, “Uh… no.”

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Official Carly’s Into That Poll: What is Cam’s Second Very Big And Dramatic Announcement, since apparently “having to quit his job to come here” (just like 90% of all contestants ever) wasn’t enough to earn Hannah’s sympathy???

A. Has filled Mother’s entire basement with toenail clippings he stole from the neighborhood salon’s dumpster
B. Celebrity crush is the purple Teletubby (Tinky Winky)
C. Can only achieve an erection by listening to “In The Arms Of The Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
D. Had to have surgery a few years ago

If you picked D—why?? The other options were so much more fun!! But alas, you’re correct. Cam has prepared his very own Series of Unfortunate Events, which he recounts to Hannah while desperately trying to cry. First—he hurt his leg and “almost had to have an amputation” (but ultimately didn’t.) Then, his grandma died. Then, he had to have leg surgery, which meant he had to REHOME HIS 10-MONTH OLD PUPPY. If you look closely, you can see the desperate look in his eyes that says, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????” as well as the hostage-esque look in Hannah’s that says, “Jesus Christ, I just want to go play cornhole and drink a Mich Ultra, can someone please save me??”

Luckily, Mike does, and also tells her that Cam confessed to the guys that he was going to tell her a sad story in hopes of getting a “pity rose”. Hannah is all, “the fuck?” and while we didn’t see Cam say that on camera, I 100% believe Mike because Cam is just enough of a shady psycho to try some shit like that. Hannah, ever the mediator, fact checks this information with Cam, who tries his best to look offended and shocked. It’s a swing and a miss for me, dawg.

Before the group date rose, Hannah pulls Luke P. aside AGAIN, and warns him that he needs to really fix himself and stop metaphorically peeing all over her leg in front of the other men, because she really likes him, but this behavior is unacceptable. She tells the camera—“I’m starting to see some small red flags.”

SMALL????????

While good in theory, in practice Hannah’s speech has all the gravitas of when I tell my dog that if she eats ONE MORE LIZARD, so help me god!— I will take her RIGHT back to the shelter, because that is SEW GROSS!!—and then I kiss her little head and floof her ears and help her get her blankie situated just how she likes it because she’s a good girl. Luke P. is not going anywhere and we all know it.

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Supreme Lizard Murderer

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
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“Who the fuck was that?” – me during this entire ceremony

Hannah’s dress tonight isn’t bad— a sparkly garnet number— but she matched her lipstick to it, and paired it with an awful necklace that looks like it’s made from hematite (#90sBaby) for an overall look of Freshman Invited To Senior Prom.

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Please join me in saying goodbye to:
-Joey (who??)
-Jonathan, the hero we deserved
annnnnnd
-ALWAYS BE CAM!

More like ALWAYS BE CALLING A LYFT, amirite, my good binch??? Haha, I’m just kidding… you can walk home, you rude little douchebag. Truly couldn’t be more excited to see a mediocre man discover that, sometimes, being yourself is just not enough! Always Be Crying About How Life Isn’t Fair! Always Be Condescending! Always Be Cocky For No Reason Because She Didn’t Even Like You And You’re Lucky The Producers Made Her Keep You Around For Three Whole Weeks Before They Got Bored!

Ahem.

Tune back in next week to see remaining villain Luke P. completely Lose His Shit and start threatening other contestants, gesticulating wildly, and generally spraying toxic masculinity like a broken fire hydrant! #FLORIDA!

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 2: Drag Queens and Dramz

Hello friends, and welcome to Week 2 of my eternal punishment for my behavior in college Hannah Brown as The Bachelorette! Let’s jump right in as Hannah chooses the men for the first group date, which was undoubtedly designed by some of the most vindictive sadists on the face of the earth.

GROUP DATE #1
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Today’s victims will be Grant, both Lukes, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, JPJ, and Dylan. The date card reads: “I’m looking for my Mr. Right.” Is it just me or is everything HEAVILY ominous this season??

The men show up at an auditorium, where they’re greeted by Miss Jay of ANTM fame (yaaaaaaaaaaas!) and two lovely drag queens. It’s abundantly clear that Luke has never seen a drag queen before, and you can just see him adding this to the agenda for his next Shower Chat with Jesus:

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Unsurprisingly, the group date challenge is a “Mr. Right” pageant! Get it? Because Hannah is a pageant girl? Our three experts help the men pick their talents for the talent portion and give them tips on how to work the runway.

And work the runway they do—in Speedos! The guys are clearly having fun with it, which is nice. Jed was hiding an extremely jacked bod under that suit jacket last week; Luke P. looks like an actual fitness model; and Mike and his thighs do a lil twerk move at the end of the runway, almost sending me into cardiac arrest. 

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Next up is the talent portion! JPJ (who washed his fucking hair this week, thank god) rides a unicycle with surprising success; Mike wears a clown outfit and perilously high heels. Jed, who is quickly becoming my fave, wrote Hannah a cute-ass lil song, which both she and the audience LOVE.

Then… it’s Luke’s turn. Apparently Luke’s talent is being a living organism comprised entirely of red flags, because rather than attempting a clown act, or singing, or dancing… he uses his time to tell her that he is “starting to fall in love with her.” Literally just that! After 2 days! He then walks down the runway and kisses her in front of the whole audience and all the other dudes. It’s a power move, but it’s………. upsetting.

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At the post-date party, Mike is masterfully shady in a way that I treasure: he makes a toast to “real love that’s forever, not just for 15 minutes.” Luke, of course, steals Hannah away, where she asks him “um, how could you know already that you’re falling in love with me??” to which he starts spouting a bunch of alarming bullshit about how he ALREADY HAD FEELINGS FOR HER BEFORE THEY MET.

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Hannah, unfortunately, is eating right out of his hand. Luke P. is going to win and I’m going to eat my couch in despair. She does make one good decision though, which is to give the group date rose to Jed, who put on a truly sweet/sexy combo display of pecs/songwriting at the pageant. Luke is visibly furious. I need a drink!!

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
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Our first one-on-one date of the season also features the first helicopter ride of the season (major points for me in the Bach Bracket!!!) Hannah selects Tyler G. and they hop into the helicopter, landing at a date where they will go mudding. TG is from Florida (represent!) and HB is, obviously, from Alabama, so they should both be at home here.

Side note—Tyler got one of the worst and most misleading bio pics I’ve ever seen. Does he not look like he walks around in his spare time looking for a nerd to put in a headlock?? IRL (or at least on video) Tyler has a completely normal head-neck ratio and is a sweetheart.

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Hannah tells Tyler G. about how horribly nervous and awkward she was on her first date with Colton (the worst date I’ve ever seen) and how she “didn’t know how much Hannah to share with him” or something like that. What a terrible way to feel! I’m glad she is, like, at least to the point where she can…….. have a conversation with a man, where she talks about herself and maybe even…….. her interests……..??? Dinner is standard and he gets the rose. Seems like a nice guy!

SECOND GROUP DATE
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Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter Pan Pilot, and Garrett are invited on the second group date. This means that Connor S., Cam, and… someone else who I can’t remember… did not get a date this week.

The date is: Roller Derby, hosted by second-longest-running Bachelor franchise cast member, Fred Willard! Listen, I’m certainly in no place to judge here, because the last time I put on skates I fell directly onto my assbone and I still can’t sit comfortably on a spin bike. The only way I know how to stop on skates is by running into a wall as gently as possible. But… this is an absolutely hilarious date because only one of the men (Daron) can skate at all! The rest of them are gingerly clomping around in their little shorts, repeatedly busting ass. It’s like watching a baby giraffe walk for the first time. I love it! Anyway, Daron’s team wins because he’s literally the only person who I think made it around the ring even once. Go Daron!

At the post-date party she talks with Devin and Daron, and kisses Dustin (the guy with the nose ring). I’ll admit it— prior to this occurrence, I would have bet my dog that Hannah would go her entire life without kissing any person of any gender with a nose ring! Proud of u, babe.

As you may remember, Cam was not invited on this date— or, in fact, on ANY date this week! But, in true mediocre white man fashion, he doesn’t let that stop him! Cam proudly tells the camera, for the 7,412th time tonight, that he has to follow his life motto to “ABC, Always Be Cam”.

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SAY IT ONE MORE TIME, CAM.

Tonight, ABC means rolling up via Producer Van with a large tacky bouquet, and barging in on Hannah’s conversation with (if I recall correctly) Devin. Hannah is mortified and apologizes profusely to The Interrupted, which should have been a sign for ol’ ABC, but he ignores it and charges on. “Be Bold!”, he tells himself, as she grimaces and barely hugs him. On his way out, several of the men WHO WERE INVITED ON THIS DATE TO SPEND TIME WITH HANNAH individually catch him outside (how bout dat?) to tell him that this was a dick move and annoying and also, nobody likes him. He tries to act like he doesn’t care, but you can tell he’s gearing up for a Big Cry later.

Cam, if you want to be the Big Asshole Villain a la Chad, you have to have THE most aggravatingly inflated ego on the planet like Chad. You can’t pull that shit off just because you’re tall; you have to OWN being a fucking psychopath. I enjoy a good villain, but ABCam just makes me feel emotionally flaccid. You know what? NO ONE ELSE try to be Chad, ever again, because it’s not possible. Thanks!!!

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PRE-ROSES COCKTAIL PARTY
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Hannah shows up in the Tuscaloosa version of a Becca dress: a clingy, red, floor-length number with FUCKING CUTOUTS ALL UP THE ENTIRE FUCKING RIGHT SIDE! That’s right, folks! From THIGH LEVEL, ALL THE WAY UP: cutouts. Even on the long sleeve. Even where undergarments would be. I don’t hate this dress because I’m a prude, I hate this dress because it was forged at the intersection of HELL AND A BELK OUTLET! FIX, IT, JESUS!

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Anyway, Hannah enters the cocktail party and immediately bursts into tears because she is so grateful for the men, or something. Can’t relate! She thanks them for being “real”, a word which has officially lost all meaning, and Connor S. kicks off the night by pulling her aside. She assures him that he wasn’t selected for a date because she already knew she felt good about their relationship. Good for you, Connor S.! After Connor, poor Kevin—one of the primary victims of Always Be Cam’s smash-n-grab at the group date—finally gets a chance to talk with her.

I can’t believe I have to even type this, but: Cam fucking shows up again, and says that he has something planned for… all three of them. Kevin looks like he is about to shoot lasers out of his eyes. I have a feeling that, outside of the show, Cam spends A LOT of time getting his fucking ass kicked. Anyway, the “something” is chicken nuggets, because—OF COURSE!—Cam thinks he is special for being an adult man that doesn’t eat vegetables. [Side note: Luke P. is REAL FUCKING LUCKY that this walking pickup artist class is on the show, because it’s saving him a lot of grief as Biggest Douchebag.] The three of them all sit outside on a blanket. Cam offers Kevin some nuggets, then opens a ring box with… a honey mustard in it.

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Hannah pretends like she doesn’t want to absolutely just die from the awkwardness, and Kevin— a man with MUCH more restraint than I personally have—takes the fancy silver thing that originally covered the chicken nuggets and smashes it directly into Cam’s face walks inside. Even when Cam mockingly calls after him “Thank you, garçon!” Kevin somehow squashes the urge to return to the blanket and administer a lethal dose of Those Fists. A gentleman and a scholar.

When Cam comes back inside, though, Kevin tosses the nuggets at him and tells him to go fuck himself. Which is, honestly, cathartic. Everyone should be telling Always Be Cam to Always Go Fuck Himself, at all times.

2 HORNY 4 WORDS
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I’m giving this its own section because I’ve never seen anything quite like this in my several years with the franchise. Luke has set up a massage stand for him and Hannah. Okay, sure, that’s fun and flirty, right? Wrong! He starts to give her a neck rub and makes a joke about being good with his hands (how original!) 5 seconds later and they’re frantically making out and Hannah is removing his shirt?? Girl! I know you liked what you saw in the Speedo, but do you remember there are cameras here???

Clearly, she does! Flushed and bright-eyed, Hannah tells the camera that there’s “just something about Luke” and that she’s “always so excited to see him”. Girl, we get it! You’re absolutely FLOODING your dungarees right now, but you need to take a step back! What if one of the other guys came over right now and saw this? Would you have liked to see Colton shirtless and dry-humping Caelynn on a massage table?? I don’t think you would have!

True to form, darling Jed rounds the corner, hoping to have a few minutes to talk with Hannah. He’s, rightfully, taken aback by the softcore porn set onto which the producers have nudged him, while Hannah and Luke both stammer “Oh! Um! It’s not as much as it looks like! Ha ha!!!!!” See below:

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Jed politely excuses himself and Hannah follows him out. Jed is very cool about it, like, obviously other dudes are also into her and she’s kissing them too and etc. etc., but the shirtless grinding was Too Much for the fuckin’ cocktail party, girl.

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SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE
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We say goodbye to Connor J., Daron, and Matthew tonight. We hardly knew ye! The group toasts with champagne after they leave, as always, with Cam offering up: “To the future Mrs. Hannah Ayala! …That’s my last name.” Everyone boos and says, dude, we’re not going to fucking cheers to that! I couldn’t be awaiting this man’s downfall any more than I already am. Cam’s ex girlfriends, if you’re reading this, please DM me. Is he this weird in person? Does he yell “ALWAYS BE CAM!” in the bedroom?? We need to talk!!!

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 1: What’s In The Box???

After several off-months during which Bachelor/ette fans get to spend two hours on Monday nights doing whatever the fuck we want… THE “WAIT” IS FINALLY OVER! Chris Harrison ominously warns us to “get ready for a Bachelorette like we’ve never had before!” This season’s victim lead, Hannah Brown (of perfect smile, hair, brows, bod, and spray tan) waxes poetic about how she’s not perfect but is still Searching For Love. I’m already getting strong Not Like Other Girls vibes from Hannah, which makes me feel a lil bit sweaty. Nevertheless, I persist. #brave

The following eight dudes receive bios at the beginning of the show, suggesting (although not guaranteeing, as we’ll see later!) that they may be successful this season:

Tyler C., one of Hannah’s few Floridians, introduces himself with a very Flashdance-esque shirtless routine on a construction site. Points for originality?? He seems like the kind of harmless goof that Hannah might love. Also points for having a very cute dog.
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Peter the pilot, who IMO should be eliminated immediately on grounds of too much alliteration. JK, he seems like a mild/sweet guy. His dad is a pilot and mom is a flight attendant, so he seems to be searching for an equally-twee love story. Also, he looks like if Colton was more into reading than football. Maybe a plus for ol’ HB??
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Mike, a veteran who lives in Dallas and now works in a fancy-finance-sounding job. I’m an absolute sucker for shit like this, so call me biased, but he brings flowers to his grandma and asks for her advice and I’m a MESS. I like Mike.
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Joe, whose name I have repeatedly typed as Joke, and who is referred to in all of my notes as “Grocery Joe Clone.” Like Grocery Joe, he is named Joe, is from Chicago with the accent to prove it, is extremely passionate about his family business, and is my #EyebrowGoals. I’m one episode away from becoming a Chicago Joes Conspiracy Theorist.
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Matt Donald’s opener features footage of him feeding cows and saying “this is as close as I get to taking girls out to dinner!” I’ll be honest—I thought this was cute last night, but seeing it typed out just makes me feel sad in my heart. Matt! You’re a nice looking, regular ol’ dude! Buy a new oxford and take a bitch to Chili’s! I believe in you!!!
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Connor J. is every bit the car salesman, both professionally and interpersonally. He’s a bit……. smarmy. He seems nice enough and “family-oriented” which is one of Hannah’s favorite buzzwords, but I personally am not feeling it.
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Luke P. currently lives in a small town in Georgia, but my Florida spidey senses were dinging like church bells and it turns out I was correct. Luke uses his bio to brag about how much the ladies loved him and how much ass he was getting—UNTIL!

He had “an encounter with God”—in the shower. I swear to, well, God. Anyway, apparently God told him to stop being such a handsome ladykiller and Settle Down. I believe Luke is 24, so God was clearly just fucking with him, but alas, here we still are.
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LIMOS ARE HEEEYA
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Out of the limos, in consecutive order, are:

Garrett, who is cute and also from Alabama. Possibly Matt Bomer’s smalltown cousin??? (do not fact ever check this blog, thanks)
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Mike (veteran who got a bio)

Jed from Nashville, working a Sexy Megamind vibe
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Tyler C. (Flashdance)

Dylan, wearing a fuckin’ offwhite tux jacket with shiny lapel, as though he came straight to set from his gig as the maître d’ at an upscale restaurant. I’ll have a sparkling water, please!
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-Someone did a “jumping over the fence for you bit”, which is both trite and irrelevant because HANNAH WAS ALREADY GONE WHEN THE FENCE HAPPENED! I was too annoyed to write down Fence Guy’s name. Sorry.

John Paul Jones tells Hannah, “I’m John Paul Jones, but my friends call me John Paul Jones.” UGHHHHH GO FUCK YOURSELF! JPJ looks and sounds like a combination of Buffalo Bill, and an 80s teen movie villain. Go back to pushing nerds down the ski slope and laughing at them in front of the cheerleaders, my dude.
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Brian: Cute, but SO awkward!
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Scott, who was unmemorable (FOR NOW! Insert ominous cackle)
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-Entrances from Matteo, Daron, Thomas, and Matthew are nice and tame…
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-Then, of course, here comes Box Guy Joe, who has literally packaged himself into a giant box—complete with packing peanuts—and had himself delivered on a forklift. What’s in the box???? Well. It’s, um, Joe. I stan an Entrance Kween, until he bursts out, makes a joke about packages, and introduces himself to Hannah as “Joe the Box King.
That’s over, that’s canceled.

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-Someone fucking brought Hannah a BABY CARRIER WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN IT. Per Google, that someone was Joey. What an absolute rollercoaster of emotions I felt during those 45 seconds! Bringing a lady a baby carrier on your first meeting: creepy. Bringing a lady a bottle of champagne, in a baby carrier, as a joke: I LOVE IT!
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I also love watching a bunch of dudes make fun of the other dudes’ entrances, especially Mike, who is a perfect combo of amused/annoyed/in disbelief at the foolery taking place at the gates.

Perfect example: Grant laments the fact that tonight is such a “sausage party”, approaching Hannah while eating a hotdog and carrying mustard. This is rude, but only because he didn’t bring Hannah her own hotdog. Can you imagine how starving that poor girl must be, standing there in skintight sequins and heels for like 6 fucking hours? INCONSIDERATE! Side note: Grant’s entire demeanor tonight is that of someone using large quantities of—how should I say this?—cocaine. Maybe share some of that too! It’s gonna be a long night!!
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-Next comes Luke “Showering With Jesus” P., and Hannah is, predictably, bout it.

Cam (for reasons that do not become apparent tonight) received a rose on After The Final Rose and is thus immune from elimination tonight. This is unfortunate, because he comes out of the limo trying desperately to, um, rap. Cam, please do not do that ever again. I know you’re going to. But please. Think of the children.
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Old Matt Donald also provides us with a cringeworthy musical experience, performing his namesake hit song for children, but with the lyrics changed to “with a bro-bro here, and a bro-bro there” and something about how he hopes Hannah will notice him amongst all the bro-bros. Truly furious that the producers have chosen not to share Mike’s reaction to this entrance, I chug warm Pinot Grigio out of the bottle.

-I was so impressed by the calm, quiet hotness of Chasen that I have named my Bachelorette fantasy team Chasen That Ass in his honor. Chasen is also a pilot, and generously goes along with the hilarious joke that there might be a Pilot Competition between him and Peter Pilot, who looks 12.
chasen

MY BOYFRIEND OF 4 YEARS, DO NOT READ THIS:
Chasen, call me!!!!!!!!

-Of course Peter Pilot comes in next, wearing like, the entire fuckin pilot outfit that he wears to fly planes. Trying too hard, my sweet! Dial it back! Be like Chasen! God, can every man be like Chasen?

That’s all 642 of the men, so we head inside to the…

COCKTAIL PARTY!
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Hannah gives the men her standard speech about how she’s Not Perfect But She Is Real, and she wants them to also be Real. The sentence is barely out of her mouth when Luke grabs her and takes her aside first. Everyone is upset, as though this is not how all previous 22 seasons have also begun.

Hannah rotates through the men, sharing her first kiss of the season with Cam, who has the overconfidence of a much hotter and more interesting man.

fix it jesus

Back inside, the guys (with OF COURSE no nudging from the producers) have a discussion about how “if you’re trying to hide something during this process… it will come out!!!”  Outside, a white van pulls up.

*extremely Brad Pitt voice* WHAT’S IN THE VAN???
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It’s Hannah’s Bachelor friends Demi and Katie, who are here to perform recon because one of the guys allegedly has a girlfriend and is on the show for The Wrong Reasons (drink!)

Someone on the premises, Hannah is talking to Box King Joe, who literally says: “I can make any type of box!” I’m crying. Sweet Joe. On a related note, Hannah’s own personal box is permanently sealing itself shut. Then it’s time for the big reveal: who could the Asshole-With-Girlfriend be?!? Luke “Showering With Jesus” P.? Hot Pilot Chasen? Box King Joe????

Wrong. It’s Scott, to whom she has barely spoken. She pulls him outside and is all, “why are you here if you had a girlfriend on Monday??” and he’s all “sure, I was talking to a girl on Monday, but it wasn’t serious, and if you want to be this mad at me, I guess that’s fine—“

EXCUSE ME, SIR! “IF SHE WANTS TO BE THIS MAD AT YOU?” eye-roll

God help the woman Scott was planning to crawl back to after being eliminated. He is unceremoniously booted, as he deserves.

Hannah is pissed and tells the men she needs a minute. Of course, Luke follows her out to the pool EVEN THOUGH SHE ASKED FOR A MINUTE, but she seems to like it, because what are boundaries anyway?? Later in the evening, she will give him the first impression rose as a reward for not listening to her. They make out and he looks like he’s trying to eat her.

ROSE CEREMONY
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Budding Serial Killer John Paul Jones tells the camera: “My palms are sweaty.” Sir, if I may be so bold as to inquire— are your knees weak? Arms heavy? Any vomit lingering on your sweater, possibly with notes of an Italian dish prepared by a family member?

He was right to be nervous, because he gets the last rose over MANY better husband prospects, INCLUDING HOT PILOT/MY FUTURE HUSBAND CHASEN!! I am OVERCOME WITH EMOTION!!! Also, pissed because my Fantasy team is definitely fucking doomed to be haunted by a Hot Pilot Ghost!!!!! It’s gonna be an interesting season.

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE

Box King Joe; Old Matt Donald; Brian; Chasen (AGAIN, PLEASE CALL ME); Hunter; Ryan; and Thomas. We hardly knew ye, some less than others (who is Ryan?)

Lest we forget: it is literally the morning when our losers are ushered out of the mansion. Not like 5am morning either, like, 9am, with birds chirping and FULL sun. ABSOLUTE HELL!

HEY REAL QUICK, WHAT HAS THE KID FROM LOVE ACTUALLY WHO ALSO PLAYED JOJEN REED IN GAME OF THRONES BEEN UP TO??
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So glad you asked!

 

NEXT WEEK ON
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Will Luke go full Florida Man? Will someone fart in the hot tub? Will Chasen finally DM me back on Twitter and stop responding with coded messages like  “How did you find my house?”; “Please stop texting my mother”; “You’re scaring me”?? Find out next Tuesday on Carly’s Into That— the only Bachelorette recap blog in the entire world™!

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Carly’s Into Bach, Finale Pt. 2: A Virgin Forever??

Hello friends, and welcome to Part 2 of Colton’s Season Finale, which begins with Chris Harrison dramatically asking… “Will Colton win Cassie back, or be a virgin forever?” Because those are definitely the only two options!

As predicted, Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel and asks her to come outside to talk. She’s wearing great boyfriend jeans and GREAT cheetah mules that I will be purchasing at my earliest paycheck. Here’s where everything gets real fucked. Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Finale Pt. 1: “Done-Done”

Well, folks… here we are. After 10 weeks of suffering, we have finally arrived at Night One of the LIVE Two-Night Four Hour Finale of Colton “Permavirgin” Underwood’s season. It begins with a montage of all the various women telling Colton to be careful, because some of the women in the house Are Not Ready to be engaged after 11 weeks.

wasn't ready

obligatory

Predictably, we’re forced to revisit a bunch of footage from last week’s breakup with Cassie, as well as his relationships with the top few candidates over the season. I’d like to note that I did not believe that Colton was a virgin until I saw him interact with a woman for the first time, but after that, I believed (and still do believe) it 100%.

(Can I just say that I’m so mad at the show for doing this to me?? I have GOOD TV that I could be watching for four hours this week, instead of FOUR LIVE HOURS OF THE BACHELOR FINALE, which apparently is the new status quo for the franchise and will happen every goddamn season.)

angry

Anyway, back to the disaster at hand. The only hint that Colton was (is?? who knows) some type of athlete, is how quickly he was GONE after he hopped that fence. By the time Chris figured out the gate remote, ya boy was OUTTA THERE. The crew and Chris drive around aimlessly and finally find him walking in the street. He completely ignores everyone with a thousand-yard stare.

Colton: “I’m done.”
Chris: “Do you wanna be done with the whole thing?”
Colton (an adult man): “Yeah. Done-done.”

Colton cries some more and says that, for his whole life, he’s had to deal with “not being enough”, which is admittedly a very sad way to feel. Chris Harrison asks helpfully: “Which part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?” Um—may I hazard a guess at THE WHOLE THING?

The next morning, Chris and Colton are discussing what happened with Cassie. Colton thinks she is “scared”; Chris asks: “What if the bottom line is she’s just not that in to you?”

correct

… to which Colton responds: “I think I have a pretty good gut instinct about that. And… she loves me.”

………. Do you really? Good god. This is depressing.

Cut to Colton, in a van on the way to somewhere, telling us that he wants to be with Cassie and knows what he needs to do, which sounds… ominous. Of course, he pops out the van at poor Tayshia’s Airbnb, where she welcomes him with a glowing smile. 😦

COLTON DOES THE DUMPING, PART 1:
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It quickly becomes clear that this conversation is not what Tayshia was expecting. She looks… not happy, but not devastated, but then asks if they can talk inside without all the cameras, and Colton agrees. Last night a friend pointed out to me that THIS WAS FOR COLTON’S BENEFIT, BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO START CRYING AGAIN, AND SHE WANTED TO HELP HIM SAVE FACE!! Women literally never stop doing emotional work for men EVEN WHILE THEY’RE LITERALLY BREAKING UP WITH US!!!! It’s time to throw men in the garbage.

trash man

Back in real time, Tayshia is brought out on the live show. She is stunning, as always, and her conversation with Colton is polite and standard. BABY GIRL, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS POTATO MAN AND I HOPE YOU’VE ALREADY FOUND IT!!

COLTON DOES THE DUMPING, PART 2: THE TRAGEDY OF HANNAH G.
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When Colton shows up at Hannah G.’s Airbnb, she is journaling. She tells the camera: “iiiiiii love Colton! iiii love him!!!” with some bashful hand motions for good measure.

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Unlike Tayshia, Hannah G. is completely blindsided by the talk that she gets here. Having been a CLEAR frontrunner since literally the first night, she thought it was going to be her. Well! Guess what! Colton tells her, that he ALSO thought it was going to be her, and that he “doesn’t have an answer” for why it no longer is. Sir—what the fuck is your damage??

Colton also tells her: “You still remind me of home.”
So… you love home less than everywhere else? You dislike home? You would pick a teenager who doesn’t even like you and was only here for Instagram followers, over HOME???

l-8628-me-vs-men-who-need-therapists

There’s a lot of crying; Colton says “I’m doing my best” [Ed note: He is not!]; HG definitely thought it was going to be her—and who could blame her???—and she is both sad and pissed off.

Outside, still crying, Colton says: “I don’t know if I’m giving up a sure thing for something that is impossible.” That’s a good way to pick someone to spend the entire rest of your life with: by who is a “sure thing”!

Back at the Four Hour Live Season Finale (Part 1), Hannah G. comes out on stage looking extremely beautiful (surprise!) They go through the normal stuff, how are you, how did you feel watching that, etc. etc. etc.

Chris: “Are you still in love with Colton?”
HG: “No, love has to be a two way street.”

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*pointed stare at Colton*

Chris again brings out our Large Son, who has unfortunately adopted the signature haircut of men’s rights activists everywhere:

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HG gets a few minutes to take him to task for, essentially, leading her on for THE ENTIRE SEASON, and then yanking the proverbial carrot away at the last minute. She still seems pretty pissed off, and again, who could blame her at all. I wish the best for America’s enchanted Skipper doll, and hope she is happily with someone who isn’t a dipshit.

CASSIE: YOU’RE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING AMERICA’S NEXT TOP VIRGINITY-TAKER
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Back at her own Airbnb, Cassie—who is frantically throwing her shit into suitcases as though she knows Colton is about to show up and try to convince her to Marriage Him— tells the camera: “ I can’t wait to be home with my friends and put this all behind me!!!”

Colton: “I just want to be with Cassie. I want to be loved back the way I love someone.”

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN, IF YOU PICKED SOMEONE WHO GAVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU! So… LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE? Deep sigh. I can’t help men anymore, I honestly can’t.

Colton gets back in the van to go—I WONDER WHERE? Just kidding, he’s obviously going to Cassie’s Airbnb to try and convince her to love him, which always works well and has never ended in a hostage situation!

Did all that “NFL training” make him quick enough to catch her before she escaped?? Find out… TONIGHT ON THE BACHELOR!

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 9 / Fantasy Suites/ FENCE NIIIIIIGHT!

HELLO, FRIENDS, AND WELCOME TO THE EPISODE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

IT’S   M O T H E R F U C K I N   F E N C E   N I G H T!

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be a particularly nauseating evening, especially if Colton continues predicting that losing his virginity will be “caring and passionate” and possibly “tender”. Cassie is still wearing her fucking beach outfit as Colton tells the women that this season’s Fuck Rooms will be located in… Portugal! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 8/Hometowns: “He Seems Like A Guy”

Good morning, Bachelor Nation, and welcome to pulls out bullhorn HOOOOOOOMETOOOOOOOOWNS, aka The “WILL THE DADS APPROVE OF COLTON????” Episode. As with at least three other episodes this season, we start off watching Colton in the shower. Do we usually see the bachelor shower this much?!? I feel like we NEVER saw Ben in the shower. Did he not shower, or was he just allowed to shower in peace instead of doing this bobo Playgirl schtick because he’s a software salesman and not a “pro” athlete? Smells like LOOKS-BASED DISCRIMINATION to me!!

Anyway, let’s settle in and get ready to watch one man tell four women’s families, in a span of about two weeks, that their daughter is special, and he is falling in love with her, and he can see a future with her! Now imagine everyone watching this as the episodes come out, many months later!

jay z

Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 7: I Colora-do

Goooooood morning, friends, and welcome to our last episode before hometowns! This week’s episode begins with Colton’s vlog again, which I couldn’t possibly hate any more than I already do. He’s feeling frustrated after all three women last week left him with mysterious messages regarding “people in the house who aren’t ready.” He clearly thought it was Demi (and it was) but when Demi ALSO gave the same warning, he seemed very confused. And who better to counsel him than Ben Higgins, who INARGUABLY picked the wrong girl and has already broken his engagement! Just kidding, Ben, I love you, please DM me.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Vietnamaste, Bitches!

Good morning, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended on a pointless and annoying dramatic cliffhanger, with Colton politely excusing himself from Onyeka/Nicole and going for a walk down the beach. The girls continue chattering nervously about how upset he looks, but to me he just looks like a white dude, walking in the ocean wearing a full suit, including shoes. Annnnd now it’s time for our rose ceremony! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: Thai’d Up In Knots

Good morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathizers, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where this week’s post title is not only a pun about Thailand, but a joke about boats! Because both of the dates take place on boats! Get it??? Thank you.

By way of apology, I will tell you right here at the beginning: there is no rose ceremony tonight! What a fuckin’ drag! However, with the departures of Tracey and Courtney, the girls seem to be getting along much better in the house, which is refreshing. The episode begins without much fanfare as Heather is awarded the one-on-one date card, which reads “Heather— let’s experience something new.” Read More