Carly’s Into Bach, Week 1: What’s In The Box???

After several off-months during which Bachelor/ette fans get to spend two hours on Monday nights doing whatever the fuck we want… THE “WAIT” IS FINALLY OVER! Chris Harrison ominously warns us to “get ready for a Bachelorette like we’ve never had before!” This season’s victim lead, Hannah Brown (of perfect smile, hair, brows, bod, and spray tan) waxes poetic about how she’s not perfect but is still Searching For Love. I’m already getting strong Not Like Other Girls vibes from Hannah, which makes me feel a lil bit sweaty. Nevertheless, I persist. #brave

The following eight dudes receive bios at the beginning of the show, suggesting (although not guaranteeing, as we’ll see later!) that they may be successful this season:

Tyler C., one of Hannah’s few Floridians, introduces himself with a very Flashdance-esque shirtless routine on a construction site. Points for originality?? He seems like the kind of harmless goof that Hannah might love. Also points for having a very cute dog.
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Peter the pilot, who IMO should be eliminated immediately on grounds of too much alliteration. JK, he seems like a mild/sweet guy. His dad is a pilot and mom is a flight attendant, so he seems to be searching for an equally-twee love story. Also, he looks like if Colton was more into reading than football. Maybe a plus for ol’ HB??
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Mike, a veteran who lives in Dallas and now works in a fancy-finance-sounding job. I’m an absolute sucker for shit like this, so call me biased, but he brings flowers to his grandma and asks for her advice and I’m a MESS. I like Mike.
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Joe, whose name I have repeatedly typed as Joke, and who is referred to in all of my notes as “Grocery Joe Clone.” Like Grocery Joe, he is named Joe, is from Chicago with the accent to prove it, is extremely passionate about his family business, and is my #EyebrowGoals. I’m one episode away from becoming a Chicago Joes Conspiracy Theorist.
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Matt Donald’s opener features footage of him feeding cows and saying “this is as close as I get to taking girls out to dinner!” I’ll be honest—I thought this was cute last night, but seeing it typed out just makes me feel sad in my heart. Matt! You’re a nice looking, regular ol’ dude! Buy a new oxford and take a bitch to Chili’s! I believe in you!!!
matt donald

Connor J. is every bit the car salesman, both professionally and interpersonally. He’s a bit……. smarmy. He seems nice enough and “family-oriented” which is one of Hannah’s favorite buzzwords, but I personally am not feeling it.
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Luke P. currently lives in a small town in Georgia, but my Florida spidey senses were dinging like church bells and it turns out I was correct. Luke uses his bio to brag about how much the ladies loved him and how much ass he was getting—UNTIL!

He had “an encounter with God”—in the shower. I swear to, well, God. Anyway, apparently God told him to stop being such a handsome ladykiller and Settle Down. I believe Luke is 24, so God was clearly just fucking with him, but alas, here we still are.
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LIMOS ARE HEEEYA
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Out of the limos, in consecutive order, are:

Garrett, who is cute and also from Alabama. Possibly Matt Bomer’s smalltown cousin??? (do not fact ever check this blog, thanks)
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Mike (veteran who got a bio)

Jed from Nashville, working a Sexy Megamind vibe
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Tyler C. (Flashdance)

Dylan, wearing a fuckin’ offwhite tux jacket with shiny lapel, as though he came straight to set from his gig as the maître d’ at an upscale restaurant. I’ll have a sparkling water, please!
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-Someone did a “jumping over the fence for you bit”, which is both trite and irrelevant because HANNAH WAS ALREADY GONE WHEN THE FENCE HAPPENED! I was too annoyed to write down Fence Guy’s name. Sorry.

John Paul Jones tells Hannah, “I’m John Paul Jones, but my friends call me John Paul Jones.” UGHHHHH GO FUCK YOURSELF! JPJ looks and sounds like a combination of Buffalo Bill, and an 80s teen movie villain. Go back to pushing nerds down the ski slope and laughing at them in front of the cheerleaders, my dude.
john paul jones

Brian: Cute, but SO awkward!
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Scott, who was unmemorable (FOR NOW! Insert ominous cackle)
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-Entrances from Matteo, Daron, Thomas, and Matthew are nice and tame…
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-Then, of course, here comes Box Guy Joe, who has literally packaged himself into a giant box—complete with packing peanuts—and had himself delivered on a forklift. What’s in the box???? Well. It’s, um, Joe. I stan an Entrance Kween, until he bursts out, makes a joke about packages, and introduces himself to Hannah as “Joe the Box King.
That’s over, that’s canceled.

oh no baby

-Someone fucking brought Hannah a BABY CARRIER WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN IT. Per Google, that someone was Joey. What an absolute rollercoaster of emotions I felt during those 45 seconds! Bringing a lady a baby carrier on your first meeting: creepy. Bringing a lady a bottle of champagne, in a baby carrier, as a joke: I LOVE IT!
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I also love watching a bunch of dudes make fun of the other dudes’ entrances, especially Mike, who is a perfect combo of amused/annoyed/in disbelief at the foolery taking place at the gates.

Perfect example: Grant laments the fact that tonight is such a “sausage party”, approaching Hannah while eating a hotdog and carrying mustard. This is rude, but only because he didn’t bring Hannah her own hotdog. Can you imagine how starving that poor girl must be, standing there in skintight sequins and heels for like 6 fucking hours? INCONSIDERATE! Side note: Grant’s entire demeanor tonight is that of someone using large quantities of—how should I say this?—cocaine. Maybe share some of that too! It’s gonna be a long night!!
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-Next comes Luke “Showering With Jesus” P., and Hannah is, predictably, bout it.

Cam (for reasons that do not become apparent tonight) received a rose on After The Final Rose and is thus immune from elimination tonight. This is unfortunate, because he comes out of the limo trying desperately to, um, rap. Cam, please do not do that ever again. I know you’re going to. But please. Think of the children.
cam

Old Matt Donald also provides us with a cringeworthy musical experience, performing his namesake hit song for children, but with the lyrics changed to “with a bro-bro here, and a bro-bro there” and something about how he hopes Hannah will notice him amongst all the bro-bros. Truly furious that the producers have chosen not to share Mike’s reaction to this entrance, I chug warm Pinot Grigio out of the bottle.

-I was so impressed by the calm, quiet hotness of Chasen that I have named my Bachelorette fantasy team Chasen That Ass in his honor. Chasen is also a pilot, and generously goes along with the hilarious joke that there might be a Pilot Competition between him and Peter Pilot, who looks 12.
chasen

MY BOYFRIEND OF 4 YEARS, DO NOT READ THIS:
Chasen, call me!!!!!!!!

-Of course Peter Pilot comes in next, wearing like, the entire fuckin pilot outfit that he wears to fly planes. Trying too hard, my sweet! Dial it back! Be like Chasen! God, can every man be like Chasen?

That’s all 642 of the men, so we head inside to the…

COCKTAIL PARTY!
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Hannah gives the men her standard speech about how she’s Not Perfect But She Is Real, and she wants them to also be Real. The sentence is barely out of her mouth when Luke grabs her and takes her aside first. Everyone is upset, as though this is not how all previous 22 seasons have also begun.

Hannah rotates through the men, sharing her first kiss of the season with Cam, who has the overconfidence of a much hotter and more interesting man.

fix it jesus

Back inside, the guys (with OF COURSE no nudging from the producers) have a discussion about how “if you’re trying to hide something during this process… it will come out!!!”  Outside, a white van pulls up.

*extremely Brad Pitt voice* WHAT’S IN THE VAN???
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It’s Hannah’s Bachelor friends Demi and Katie, who are here to perform recon because one of the guys allegedly has a girlfriend and is on the show for The Wrong Reasons (drink!)

Someone on the premises, Hannah is talking to Box King Joe, who literally says: “I can make any type of box!” I’m crying. Sweet Joe. On a related note, Hannah’s own personal box is permanently sealing itself shut. Then it’s time for the big reveal: who could the Asshole-With-Girlfriend be?!? Luke “Showering With Jesus” P.? Hot Pilot Chasen? Box King Joe????

Wrong. It’s Scott, to whom she has barely spoken. She pulls him outside and is all, “why are you here if you had a girlfriend on Monday??” and he’s all “sure, I was talking to a girl on Monday, but it wasn’t serious, and if you want to be this mad at me, I guess that’s fine—“

EXCUSE ME, SIR! “IF SHE WANTS TO BE THIS MAD AT YOU?” eye-roll

God help the woman Scott was planning to crawl back to after being eliminated. He is unceremoniously booted, as he deserves.

Hannah is pissed and tells the men she needs a minute. Of course, Luke follows her out to the pool EVEN THOUGH SHE ASKED FOR A MINUTE, but she seems to like it, because what are boundaries anyway?? Later in the evening, she will give him the first impression rose as a reward for not listening to her. They make out and he looks like he’s trying to eat her.

ROSE CEREMONY
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Budding Serial Killer John Paul Jones tells the camera: “My palms are sweaty.” Sir, if I may be so bold as to inquire— are your knees weak? Arms heavy? Any vomit lingering on your sweater, possibly with notes of an Italian dish prepared by a family member?

He was right to be nervous, because he gets the last rose over MANY better husband prospects, INCLUDING HOT PILOT/MY FUTURE HUSBAND CHASEN!! I am OVERCOME WITH EMOTION!!! Also, pissed because my Fantasy team is definitely fucking doomed to be haunted by a Hot Pilot Ghost!!!!! It’s gonna be an interesting season.

SO LONG, FAREWELL, A GERMAN WORD, GOODBYE

Box King Joe; Old Matt Donald; Brian; Chasen (AGAIN, PLEASE CALL ME); Hunter; Ryan; and Thomas. We hardly knew ye, some less than others (who is Ryan?)

Lest we forget: it is literally the morning when our losers are ushered out of the mansion. Not like 5am morning either, like, 9am, with birds chirping and FULL sun. ABSOLUTE HELL!

HEY REAL QUICK, WHAT HAS THE KID FROM LOVE ACTUALLY WHO ALSO PLAYED JOJEN REED IN GAME OF THRONES BEEN UP TO??
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So glad you asked!

 

NEXT WEEK ON
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Will Luke go full Florida Man? Will someone fart in the hot tub? Will Chasen finally DM me back on Twitter and stop responding with coded messages like  “How did you find my house?”; “Please stop texting my mother”; “You’re scaring me”?? Find out next Tuesday on Carly’s Into That— the only Bachelorette recap blog in the entire world™!

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Carly’s Into Bach, Finale Pt. 2: A Virgin Forever??

Hello friends, and welcome to Part 2 of Colton’s Season Finale, which begins with Chris Harrison dramatically asking… “Will Colton win Cassie back, or be a virgin forever?” Because those are definitely the only two options!

As predicted, Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel and asks her to come outside to talk. She’s wearing great boyfriend jeans and GREAT cheetah mules that I will be purchasing at my earliest paycheck. Here’s where everything gets real fucked. Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Finale Pt. 1: “Done-Done”

Well, folks… here we are. After 10 weeks of suffering, we have finally arrived at Night One of the LIVE Two-Night Four Hour Finale of Colton “Permavirgin” Underwood’s season. It begins with a montage of all the various women telling Colton to be careful, because some of the women in the house Are Not Ready to be engaged after 11 weeks.

wasn't ready

obligatory

Predictably, we’re forced to revisit a bunch of footage from last week’s breakup with Cassie, as well as his relationships with the top few candidates over the season. I’d like to note that I did not believe that Colton was a virgin until I saw him interact with a woman for the first time, but after that, I believed (and still do believe) it 100%.

(Can I just say that I’m so mad at the show for doing this to me?? I have GOOD TV that I could be watching for four hours this week, instead of FOUR LIVE HOURS OF THE BACHELOR FINALE, which apparently is the new status quo for the franchise and will happen every goddamn season.)

angry

Anyway, back to the disaster at hand. The only hint that Colton was (is?? who knows) some type of athlete, is how quickly he was GONE after he hopped that fence. By the time Chris figured out the gate remote, ya boy was OUTTA THERE. The crew and Chris drive around aimlessly and finally find him walking in the street. He completely ignores everyone with a thousand-yard stare.

Colton: “I’m done.”
Chris: “Do you wanna be done with the whole thing?”
Colton (an adult man): “Yeah. Done-done.”

Colton cries some more and says that, for his whole life, he’s had to deal with “not being enough”, which is admittedly a very sad way to feel. Chris Harrison asks helpfully: “Which part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?” Um—may I hazard a guess at THE WHOLE THING?

The next morning, Chris and Colton are discussing what happened with Cassie. Colton thinks she is “scared”; Chris asks: “What if the bottom line is she’s just not that in to you?”

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… to which Colton responds: “I think I have a pretty good gut instinct about that. And… she loves me.”

………. Do you really? Good god. This is depressing.

Cut to Colton, in a van on the way to somewhere, telling us that he wants to be with Cassie and knows what he needs to do, which sounds… ominous. Of course, he pops out the van at poor Tayshia’s Airbnb, where she welcomes him with a glowing smile. 😦

COLTON DOES THE DUMPING, PART 1:
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It quickly becomes clear that this conversation is not what Tayshia was expecting. She looks… not happy, but not devastated, but then asks if they can talk inside without all the cameras, and Colton agrees. Last night a friend pointed out to me that THIS WAS FOR COLTON’S BENEFIT, BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO START CRYING AGAIN, AND SHE WANTED TO HELP HIM SAVE FACE!! Women literally never stop doing emotional work for men EVEN WHILE THEY’RE LITERALLY BREAKING UP WITH US!!!! It’s time to throw men in the garbage.

trash man

Back in real time, Tayshia is brought out on the live show. She is stunning, as always, and her conversation with Colton is polite and standard. BABY GIRL, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS POTATO MAN AND I HOPE YOU’VE ALREADY FOUND IT!!

COLTON DOES THE DUMPING, PART 2: THE TRAGEDY OF HANNAH G.
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When Colton shows up at Hannah G.’s Airbnb, she is journaling. She tells the camera: “iiiiiii love Colton! iiii love him!!!” with some bashful hand motions for good measure.

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Unlike Tayshia, Hannah G. is completely blindsided by the talk that she gets here. Having been a CLEAR frontrunner since literally the first night, she thought it was going to be her. Well! Guess what! Colton tells her, that he ALSO thought it was going to be her, and that he “doesn’t have an answer” for why it no longer is. Sir—what the fuck is your damage??

Colton also tells her: “You still remind me of home.”
So… you love home less than everywhere else? You dislike home? You would pick a teenager who doesn’t even like you and was only here for Instagram followers, over HOME???

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There’s a lot of crying; Colton says “I’m doing my best” [Ed note: He is not!]; HG definitely thought it was going to be her—and who could blame her???—and she is both sad and pissed off.

Outside, still crying, Colton says: “I don’t know if I’m giving up a sure thing for something that is impossible.” That’s a good way to pick someone to spend the entire rest of your life with: by who is a “sure thing”!

Back at the Four Hour Live Season Finale (Part 1), Hannah G. comes out on stage looking extremely beautiful (surprise!) They go through the normal stuff, how are you, how did you feel watching that, etc. etc. etc.

Chris: “Are you still in love with Colton?”
HG: “No, love has to be a two way street.”

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*pointed stare at Colton*

Chris again brings out our Large Son, who has unfortunately adopted the signature haircut of men’s rights activists everywhere:

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HG gets a few minutes to take him to task for, essentially, leading her on for THE ENTIRE SEASON, and then yanking the proverbial carrot away at the last minute. She still seems pretty pissed off, and again, who could blame her at all. I wish the best for America’s enchanted Skipper doll, and hope she is happily with someone who isn’t a dipshit.

CASSIE: YOU’RE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING AMERICA’S NEXT TOP VIRGINITY-TAKER
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Back at her own Airbnb, Cassie—who is frantically throwing her shit into suitcases as though she knows Colton is about to show up and try to convince her to Marriage Him— tells the camera: “ I can’t wait to be home with my friends and put this all behind me!!!”

Colton: “I just want to be with Cassie. I want to be loved back the way I love someone.”

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN, IF YOU PICKED SOMEONE WHO GAVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU! So… LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE? Deep sigh. I can’t help men anymore, I honestly can’t.

Colton gets back in the van to go—I WONDER WHERE? Just kidding, he’s obviously going to Cassie’s Airbnb to try and convince her to love him, which always works well and has never ended in a hostage situation!

Did all that “NFL training” make him quick enough to catch her before she escaped?? Find out… TONIGHT ON THE BACHELOR!

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Carly’s Into Bach: Week 9 / Fantasy Suites/ FENCE NIIIIIIGHT!

HELLO, FRIENDS, AND WELCOME TO THE EPISODE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

IT’S   M O T H E R F U C K I N   F E N C E   N I G H T!

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be a particularly nauseating evening, especially if Colton continues predicting that losing his virginity will be “caring and passionate” and possibly “tender”. Cassie is still wearing her fucking beach outfit as Colton tells the women that this season’s Fuck Rooms will be located in… Portugal! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 8/Hometowns: “He Seems Like A Guy”

Good morning, Bachelor Nation, and welcome to pulls out bullhorn HOOOOOOOMETOOOOOOOOWNS, aka The “WILL THE DADS APPROVE OF COLTON????” Episode. As with at least three other episodes this season, we start off watching Colton in the shower. Do we usually see the bachelor shower this much?!? I feel like we NEVER saw Ben in the shower. Did he not shower, or was he just allowed to shower in peace instead of doing this bobo Playgirl schtick because he’s a software salesman and not a “pro” athlete? Smells like LOOKS-BASED DISCRIMINATION to me!!

Anyway, let’s settle in and get ready to watch one man tell four women’s families, in a span of about two weeks, that their daughter is special, and he is falling in love with her, and he can see a future with her! Now imagine everyone watching this as the episodes come out, many months later!

jay z

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 7: I Colora-do

Goooooood morning, friends, and welcome to our last episode before hometowns! This week’s episode begins with Colton’s vlog again, which I couldn’t possibly hate any more than I already do. He’s feeling frustrated after all three women last week left him with mysterious messages regarding “people in the house who aren’t ready.” He clearly thought it was Demi (and it was) but when Demi ALSO gave the same warning, he seemed very confused. And who better to counsel him than Ben Higgins, who INARGUABLY picked the wrong girl and has already broken his engagement! Just kidding, Ben, I love you, please DM me.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 6: Vietnamaste, Bitches!

Good morning, friends, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach! As you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended on a pointless and annoying dramatic cliffhanger, with Colton politely excusing himself from Onyeka/Nicole and going for a walk down the beach. The girls continue chattering nervously about how upset he looks, but to me he just looks like a white dude, walking in the ocean wearing a full suit, including shoes. Annnnd now it’s time for our rose ceremony! Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 5: Thai’d Up In Knots

Good morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathizers, and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where this week’s post title is not only a pun about Thailand, but a joke about boats! Because both of the dates take place on boats! Get it??? Thank you.

By way of apology, I will tell you right here at the beginning: there is no rose ceremony tonight! What a fuckin’ drag! However, with the departures of Tracey and Courtney, the girls seem to be getting along much better in the house, which is refreshing. The episode begins without much fanfare as Heather is awarded the one-on-one date card, which reads “Heather— let’s experience something new.” Read More

Carly’s Into Bach, Week 4: Gettin’ Steamy in Singapore

Helloooooooooo and welcome back to Carly’s Into Bach, where we deeply apologize for this week’s post title!

It’s Week 4, and the gang is traveling to Singapore. From the episode teaser, it immediately becomes clear that Demi gon Demi REAL hard this week—but she’s not the only one throwing shade: During the announcement of the Singapore trip, Chris Harrison calls Hannah B “Caelynn”. Brutal! I’m here for it.

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Carly’s Into Bach, Week 3: Bachelorettes of the Caribbean

Goooooood morning, Bachelor Nation and sympathetic bystanders! Last night’s episode had everything: community theater pirates, surprise children, a “wardrobe stylist” wearing pinstriped fucking overalls, a beauty queen hissing like a velociraptor, and even some light BDSM! Without further ado…

GROUP DATE
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Our first group date includes Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. The perma-feud between Yung Demi and Tracy burns quietly in the background, but the producers are really hyping the beauty queen beef (BQB) this week.

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